Partner, cocaine binges, can you help me I have had no experience with addiction before

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I have a partner of a couple of years who I am in love with. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he "used" to have a drug problem. I have (perhaps naively and fortunately) not had much experience with drugs or drug addicts, neither myself or my friends and family over the years, so I do not understand substance addiction and its effects on relationships.

As the relationship has gone on there have been a few instances where he has binged on cocaine and a multitude of other drugs and ended up hospitalised. Same thing happened again last night. I feel completely naive to it all. I want to be able to process this and the psychological effect it is having on me and our relationship and understand what I can control and help with, and what is just enabling him. Please bear with me..

Please could you tell me if this is a common feeling when in a relationship with a drug addict:

• I had a constant feeling in my stomach and low level anxiety that he was not okay. It was nothing that he said or did to me (in fact, he was a very good boyfriend, good to be in a relationship with, consistent with contact, kind etc) but I always felt like something could happen to him any moment, or something unpredictable might happen, or he was unsafe or his health might take a turn. It was the equivalent of waking up in the night and feeling like someone you love is dead or has been hit by a car ALL the time. I ha a big instinct to coddle him and nurture him and I had never been like this before. This was even before the first binge when I had no evidence.
• Sometimes when I am with him I feel this feeling of constant low boil emotional instability coming off of him. It gives me real cognitive dissonance, because on the surface, all our interactions, meetings, even spending long periods of time together, he appears happy, content, in love. He never displayed emotional instability with me, but I'd feel it within him like an electric current. This causes me to jump into a full on "pleasing" mode to try and get it to go away, even though what I am dealing with or trying to solve is obviously intangible. Or I take on the responsibility to make him happy in that moment and it feels like a huge burden. I just keep wanting to do more and I can't. It feels like a giant hole.
• I can't find a pattern as to why he does it. Like I can't see what the triggers are, he can't articulate what it is. Conversations about it are hard to fathom, he's fatalistic drug taking.
• I feel helpless, like there is nothing I can say or do to help him or change anything. Like last night he binged on cocaine, alcohol and sleeping pills and is now in a terrible condition. I feel like I am just hanging round the edges. Telling him I love him, looking after him, going out of my way to make stuff better for him day to day, in the end makes no difference.
• I feel pressure to be a replacement for the addiction. Like if I am not around or I have to leave or have other commitments, or I don't spend as much time with him as he needs, I feel like he will binge on drugs.

^^ all this is unconscious, he never says anything, he is always very nice and lovely to me, I just FEEL it and react to it.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Am I being co-dependent?

Why is it up to you to change your behaviour and not him?

The only thing you should be changing are your low standards...

This won't get any better, there's nothing you can do unless he decides that he genuinely wants to try and get clean; even then it's not an easy road and often not linear. This isn't to say at all I am suggesting addicts are lost causes or whatever else, but honestly there will always be a big emotional toll on you by being in a relationship with one. Only you know whether it's worth it, but honestly I'd just assume this was going to be how it will always be and there won't necessarily be a happy ending where you don't worry and he's clean.

You are not ableto change his behaviour whatever you do will not help.He needs to want help with professionals and engage with them.Please walk away you will become extremely ill mentally living with this stress.I wish you strength.

You are in a world of trouble and heartbreak here. He isn't going to change. He seemingly doesn't want to. Protect yourself and endure a couple of months of pain following the break up as opposed to a lifetime of it. I really wish you well.

The best advice I can give you, from experience, is WALK AWAY.

It's definitely easier said than done when you love someone but ultimately, you will be better off in the long run. You get one life, don't live it like this. You can't change him, he has to do that himself (and has to want to).

Look at the amount you have written here. This is not in your control and TBH I would walk away from this person.

Get out now, honestly. This won't end well for you I'm sorry.
You need to be aware of The 3 C's for families/ loved ones of addicts.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You might find the book co-dependant no more helpful.
Best of luck x

You can’t save him. Google codependent relationships because this is a textbook example, especially your desire to nurture him. If you do decide to stay with him, decide how many years you are happy to waste before moving on. 2 years? 5 years? 10? Some people waste decades.

Please leave him. He is not going to change no matter what you do or how much you try to understand or help him. Protect yourself and walk away from what will only be pain and heartbreak for you. The only one who can change is him, nothing you do or say will make a difference.

You’re wasting your time.

I'm an ex cocaine addict. I am the only one I know of out of my group of friends who hasn't relapsed in the last decade. Off the petite I used to hang around don't drugs with -

• one has lost all of his his teeth, bigger drinks when he can't afford coke, lost his family and now lives alone in poverty after exploiting his entire family and stealing from them. Two of hiis children refuse to speak to him. Male, age 48.

*one woman lost custody of her kids as SS said she couldn't safeguard them after the toddler escaped into a main road while she was sleeping off a session. The kids live with her mother now and she still does drugs everyday but is now much less picky and has started on heroin. It's well known that she will swap sex for drugs or £3-4 and is often outside the local shop begging for cigarettes. Age 44

• one man, age 33 didn't made it any further. When his habit spiralled into any drugs he could get, he started huffing and died.

Another 5-6 of them still taste Coke regularly and try to persuade themselves that they are ok and doing fine but all of them have horrific debts, 2 have been previously bankrupt ( as have I) and all of them go through new partners at the speed of light as they treat people so badly. Occasionally one desperate poor mug will do what you are doing and try to "save" them. Cos if they only know love they could get in the right path, yeah? It's all bollocks, nobody can save them apart from themselves. And the simple truth is that THEY DON'T WANT TO. All as they will do is drag you ask the way down with them.

You aren't saving them. You are sacrificing yourself.

Run for the hills. Honestly.

• I feel helpless, like there is nothing I can say or do to help him or change anything. Like last night he binged on cocaine, alcohol and sleeping pills and is now in a terrible condition. I feel like I am just hanging round the edges. Telling him I love him, looking after him, going out of my way to make stuff better for him day to day, in the end makes no difference.

This is not a 'feeling' that you have, it is an accurate assesment of your situation.
It is sad but the longer this guy is in your life the worse the consequences might be. This is not someone that you can continue a relationship with and build a future together.

To answer your question, yes, a great deal of what you're feeling is normal for loved ones of drug addicts.

DH was suspicious at least a year before it was widely acknowledged that BIL was using again. Sometimes when I am with him I feel this feeling of constant low boil emotional instability coming off of him. this is something that I think would hugely resonate with DH. I remember he came back from a meal with his brother once and said to me that there was nothing specific but the hairs on the back of his neck were just standing up the entire evening.

And yes, the constant low level anxiety is becuase you are fully aware that he could go off the rails any minute and that the potential consequences of that are extremely hardcore.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to fix or manage this. Only HE can. And if he's not willing to do so, then sadly the best thing you can do is walk away. Unfortunately, many addicts use their loved ones as crutches and as a way to avoid realising how bad things are. They never quite hit rock bottom because someone is there to bail them out - whether that's to collect them at 3 in the morning, lend them money, ensure they're getting food etc etc etc.

Yes unfortunately it is very common feelings -
for being in a relationship with any addict.

Only he can decide whether or not to take
cocaine. Unless you can step back and basically shrug your shoulders & not care at all as to whether he uses the anxiety will eat away at you and get worse.

It would be wise not to have kids with him while he is still using because that just adds a whole other level of anxiety.

I’m sorry OP, I wish it was easier.

Just get out.

Oh jeez, I'd highly recommend you walk away from this relationship now before you have any commitments together, I.e., kids, as if his drug taking has literally landed him in hospital then this is bad.

Smoking the odd joint is completely different to snorting coke.

As others have said, leave now. I know you love him but this is a painful road for you and will get worse, the deeper you go. Do yourself, and everyone who cares about you, a favour and leave now. It will be upsetting but you will thank yourself in the long run.

If you do stay, use belt and braces contraception. Do not introduce children or the possibility of a pregnancy into this.

you don't love him. you have become attached to him. Two different things. I also guarantee he does not give two fucks about you. for addicts, their substance of preference is king. nothing else, no one else matters. its not their fault, I am not judging them as they are severely unwell- but these are the facts. you will never ever have a normal life with this man and he will ruin your life.

your 'partner' needs professional help and tbh addicts who are so unwell rarely get better

you've already wasted two years. you need to leave. and you need therapy to find out what made you stay with someone like this and how to prevent such toxic attachments in the future

Leave him, he doesn't deserve you or make you happy. Life's too short to put up with this crap.

You can’t help him by staying in a relationship with him…addicts have to choose to stop using. Being with you so far has not enabled him to stop . Why do you wish to continue the relationship,what is in it for you ? ( what in your childhood predisposed you to falling in a love with an addict?)

Addicts are generally pathological liar. There is NOTHING that you can to do stop him pursuing his addiction.

You’re wasting your time if you think he’ll change. Drugs will always be more important than you. I’d run in the opposite direction as fast as I could.

Women are not rehab centres for men.
I hope you don't live together and you don't get talked into lending him money for drugs.

Choose to leave now or be dragged down to hell with him later. I'm sorry this is true but it really is. I know it will hurt but it is doing what is best for you both. Maybe it'll be the kick in the bum he needs to get himself straight (separately from you; you should leave forever. Sorry).

You should run for the hills, but that’s easier said than done. I would start by joining a support group for families impacted by addiction, to get a network and wider understanding. You will see the patterns and the risks of staying. You can’t change him. You will ruin your life if you stay.