Wedding this year to (26M) Fiancé

[Heygorl]

Hello so my fiancé and I have been together 7 years and we have a baby together and live together. Our wedding is this year .We both love each other but there’s some things that make me question everything. When we argue my fiance says things like “I’m only with you for our son” and then says he says it in the heat of the moment to hurt me but he has said it that many times during minor arguments that it’s starting to concern me and I’ve spoken to him about it and even though he says he did not mean it I would never say something like that.
But on top of that I really wanted for us to be excited coming up to our wedding all year planning it together and he has shown no excitement really about it and I can’t even remember him telling me he was ever excited to marry me now and maybe I’m overthinking this a bit? But he says I just start all the arguments as well and I feel like they happen because he doesn’t like talking about them and I think he has trouble understanding how I feel which makes me annoyed and then I still have the feelings that never got addressed.
But I’ve tried to speak to him about this and he says I can’t make him be like me when it comes to being excited about things and he said the comment in the heat of the moment. It’s just that I always imagined we’d be having the happiest time of our entire lives this year and it’s not like that yet and I have told him maybe we should put the wedding off but he’s in denial about me suggesting that I think and still hasn’t really spoken about it at all - but I feel like if we can’t be excited and I can’t feel like my fiance is genuinely so excited about making me his wife then maybe this isn’t a good idea right now

Would appreciate any advice xxx

You say excited a lot. I can’t honestly say that I ever told my husband that I was excited to marry him either, I don’t think I would have described my feelings that way either. It’s just not my language.

But I think there is a much greater red flag here and that is that he keeps telling you that he is only with you because you have a child together. That is very concerning. Believe him.

When we argue my fiance says things like “I’m only with you for our son” and then says he says it in the heat of the moment to hurt me

This is what you need to be concerned about. There’s not a chance I’d be thinking of marrying somebody who took pleasure in saying awful things just to hurt me when he was angry. I’d be reevaluating the entire relationship. You get one life. Why waste it with somebody who either a) actually likes to hurt you or b) can’t control his anger enough to stop himself from saying things he doesn’t mean?

On the excitement for the wedding, I agree with Muchof. I wouldn’t have put “excited” at the top of the list of demonstrable emotions I showed towards my own wedding. But I don’t think that’s what you need to be focussing on. Marriage is about being a team and being able to rely on each other not just when life is easy but when life is hard. You can’t rely on somebody who is spiteful, unkind, has anger problems and has shown that he’s willing to trample all over your feelings to get his own back.

Thanks for the responses I think you’re both right

You sound very young and you are romanticising the wedding rather than thinking about your life together.

You met as teenagers. This is your first and only adult relationship. You basically grew up together, and most likely changed a lot in the time. It is possible that as adults you are not as well suited as you were when you were children. It is also possible that if you didn’t have your child that you’d go on to have relationships with other people. Most adults are not with partners they met at 19, and for a good reason.

He may not be saying what he says to hurt you. Maybe it’s the truth you are both too afraid to face.

Think really hard about what you really want in life - you have a lot of it still in front of you.
Often - people who got/stayed together as teens make it to about late 30/40s and then go their separate ways.

He sounds spiteful and immature. Might be best to postpone the wedding whilst this is sorted out.

I think @MMmomDD makes a lot of sense

I dunno.... I think weddings are less exciting when you're already living together with a child. It's not as if there will be a dramatic change in lifestyle afterwards which there would be if you were living apart without a child. My DH was never excited about the wedding and that's us living separately beforehand

I'd agree with all of this - none of us are the same in our late 20s as we were as teenagers, and none of the couples I know who have stayed together through all that period have what I would consider to be healthy or happy relationships. More a sense of dependence and a fear of how to do life without each other.

When you say he is not excited. I assume you are not talking about the fact he isn't jumping up and down with glee every 5 minutes, but instead just seems fairly indifferent to it all?

Like, he isn't really interested? Or seems to care that much?
If thats the case then you have a reason to feel worried like you do. There should be an element of 'looking forward' to this happening! It doesn't have to be outright obvious display of enthusiasm, but you know when someone is really looking forward to something by the way they talk about it, or light up when its mentioned or just general small mannerisms around it. . If he just seems non fussed either way, thats a bit shit.

The saying things to intentionally hurt you is a HUGE red flag. of course people can sometimes say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret - but this isn't a one off over the top mistake he regrets is it? He keeps doing it.
And not only keeps doing it, but justifies it every time as him just being angry and 'not meaning it'. Yet repeats it the next time.
So he either a) likes intentionally hurting you to make you feel as awful as he can, or b) He means it. Neither option is good!

I would seriously consider what your options are and if you feel at all apprehensive and like it may not be the right thing, then postpone. You don't have to cancel, but give yourself the time to really be sure about this.

Make sure YOU are 100% happy going forward.

"When we argue my fiance says things like “I’m only with you for our son” and then says he says it in the heat of the moment to hurt me"

This would worry me.

he says it in the heat of the moment to hurt me

So he is definitely doing it on purpose then, and in order to win. Do you really want to marry someone who deliberately goes out of his way to upset you?

The last thing he wants to do is hurt you…. But it is still on the list!

In my opinion (as a 47 year old divorced mum of one, company director, who is considering remarrying) you shouldn’t marry someone who chooses to do or say things just to hurt you. It should be completely off the table of a person who loves you. Sometimes we accidentally hurt the person we love but not on purpose. If I was you I’d leave your boyfriend now whilst it’s legally easy to do so and find someone who doesn’t have hurting you on the list.

Take what he is telling you as truth. .

Perhaps you two have outgrown each other and are truly incompatible.

It would be best to call off the wedding and go your separate ways. Strictly co parent.

Some relationships no matter the longevity, aren't meant to last the remainder of life.
Both of you are perhaps best suited for other people. The relationship the two of you have seems unhealthy.

Don't marry nor stay with a person who repeatedly and intentionally says these things to you. Dont stay with a person that you're rowing with often. Nothing will change if married.

Thanks everyone really appreciate all of the responses and advice

His statement of why he's with you is concerning but I've never met a man excited about weddings yet!