Lost interest in myself/dating - how to get it back?

[Bellagi]

Mid 40s, great job, wonderful kids, single parent. Abusive ex. I've tried online dating for 6 years and just met people who are very blah/with issues. Ultimately I think that's knocked me down a bit and I've lost interest in myself somewhat/lost hope. I used to be so excited to want to meet someone. Now after all this disappointment, I just work/parent and see friends. I'm known for being happy/friendly/warm but I think deep down I've lost seeing myself as a good catch. I feel invisible on apps too. I barely glance at myself in the mirror each day.

Anyone else with advice to give me that oomph again?

Switch off your dating apps and do something less boring instead

Would be my advice.

(You're mid 40s so hopefully you understand the reference and what I'm getting at! 😅)

I love the reference above! I'm even saying it the way they did!

I'm the same age as you mid-40s, I stopped doing apps a couple of years ago. It did nothing for me and made me feel inadequate. You'll get people come on and say keep at it, it's a numbers game etc. but for me it just fed my insecurities.

I'm taking my chances in attempting to meet someone in real life, it much more fun.

@SideshowAuntSallyx i remember you from the dating thread! Online dating seems to be so much harder once you have decent standards. I certainly was more accepting about things like separated/not divorced, secret alcohol issues, weed issues, still into exes. In real life, i dont meet any single men really though have lots of friends - mostly female.

@Bellagi so was I but the hurt I caused myself in doing so. Part of the reason I stepped back from it. I deserve more than scraps and crumbs.

I've learnt to be happy on my own, the right man will come along probably when I least expect it. For now I have hobbies (the gym can bring me into contact with some rather nice men🙈😂) and after changing companies and sectors I have a job that I'm doing well at and enjoy.

Taking a break is always good, doing other things and enjoying life is the best therapy.

As Grey Carpet said, switch off the apps.

I feel the same, OP
im online dating (see my thread about struggling to date) but im also going to join groups where i can try to meet more people
best of luck to you

tbh I think there is to much emphasis on being a couple - let it go and go and have fun instead

@Datingquez I think im starting to wonder why not me though by now.

It's not just you @Bellagi. I am early 50's and finding similar and after 7 years I'm fed up with online dating. It is important to feel good about yourself, even if that means you manicure and paint your own toe nails and take time to do your hair and makeup each day. There are a lot of crumbs out there and a lot of players and that's the reason your still single, because you have standards and not because of any issues with yourself as a person.

I was single for about 2.5 years, enjoying single life, very social, comfortable in my own skin and decided a year ago maybe the time was right to try OLD

Quite honestly I hated it. It really wasn’t an enjoyable experience for me at all. I had a handful of mediocre dates with pleasant men but no spark, I had far too many men just wanting to sext after a couple of messages)all deleted) plus unsolicited semi naked photos. After the last guy I met told me after the second date he had ED, that was me done. As someone said, sticking to your standards and boundaries is essential but makes the pickings very slim indeed.

In there months since I came off the apps, I’m far happier again and I don’t miss it at all.

Im very social but just don’t meet anyone put and about. If I did meet someone organically then all well and good but otherwise I’ll continue to be happy in my own peace.

This is what I did: Made a list of everything I could think of that people have done that make me really really respect them. Even just starting to make the list made me feel better about myself, because I was doing something about my problem. I still make the list today. Every now and again, if I feel a bit low, I pick something from the list that I feel I could do myself, and take the first step. Gradually my life is changing. I donate blood. I'm a musician. I'm a marathon runner.

Take your focus off dating, and earn yourself some self respect. It's your new project: YOU.

Hi OP,

Can't really top what PPs have said. Only thing I'd add was that I experienced a similar phase and it was actually a really useful time to process everything I'd gone through. It's through that time (not worrying about how I looked / what others thought of me) that I really started to love myself and realised I'm my own best friend. I spent a lot of time re-connecting with the curious happy little girl I was before I became noticed by boys/men and everything changed. I invested in myself, worked out what my goals were and made progress on them (got an allotment and did up my garden and house) spent time with family and friends. I'd say this phase you're in is a gift and a real opportunity to work out what you want from life. It's not even a selfish thing either; you can't pour from an empty cup. Much love and power to you OP xx

I spent a lot of time re-connecting with the curious happy little girl I was before I became noticed by boys/men

I read somewhere one, and it's always stuck with me, to think about what you used to like doing when you were 11. Specifically, 11. You're old enough to know what interests you, but not old enough to have been warped by adult life. When I thought about that, I started drawing and eating M&Ms. It makes me happy, as does exploring the woods.

Learn to flourish without relationships. For the most part all agony and compromise. Ain't worth the bother and stress!

Mine were Square crisps or the Chipsticks (and nerds), and Guns n Roses, I also loved designing dresses and shops signs for shops that I was going to own when I grew up.

I feel like I want to visit poundland now and by a few packs of crisps then listen to some Guns n Roses.

I'm so glad we've gone there. Thought it might seem weird to admit what mine were! One time, I took great delight in packing myself a rucksack with books and a packed lunch (including sandwiches, Monster Munch, a Breakaway bar and a yoghurt) and going into the city on a solo day trip to a museum to learn some stuff. Small things... but it was like hanging out with my younger self. She was awesome 😍