Peri-menopause or crap relationship

[StarDolphins]

i broke up with my Ex 2.5years ago after being unhappy the previous 5 years (which coincided with the start of peri & giving birth to my DD).

He’s still wanting to get back together citing a realisation that he didn’t support me well & was a pain in the arse.

I just can’t decide if my reasons for splitting are valid or if peri has caused/changed my feelings. If peri menopause hadn’t happened, I’d be confident with my decision but I’m wondering if I just don’t like everyone because of my hormones!

In short, I couldn’t deal with constant moaning, negativity, lack of support/selfishness, awful
conflict resolution, conspiracy theories, sweating the small stuff, Ocd type behaviour & wanting to be top dog in everything. There are other things where he didn’t support me.

Dayto day, I like his company but these issues with him only surface when he’s comfy. He’s very nice to strangers etc & me currently (wants reconciliation). I work for the same company & the bosses have exactly the same issues I have I have with him.

has anyone been in this position & what did you do? I’ve made a life for me & my DD but it’s either him or alone for me asi won’t bring an unrelated male into her life.

I’m questioning it all because my feelings changed when I entered peri & had my dd. That could just be coincidence as he is a tricky person but also I did develop a low tolerance too.

Any experience/advice welcome!

It could be both. What you list don't sound minor to me, and the bottom line is that if he had excellent qualities that counterbalanced those, maybe you'd want to stay....but you don't?

He sounds like he's an anxious type, always fretting, a bit neurotic. Often anxiety, competitiveness, or control cluster together as qualities. It might have just ground you down over time, and probably makes raising a child and difficult situations more stressful than they need to be.

I think peri lays bare any undercurrents that you could previously turn a blind eye to so yes, it may have been peri that caused you to make the decision you did - but only because you had finally reached that "right, that's it" stage and peri gave you the courage to act on it.

Unless he really has changed permanently, I'll wager he would slip back into his old ways, end up pissing you off, and you'd be calling it a day again. For the same reasons.

Loneliness and familiarity is not a reason to go back to something that wasn't working the first time round.

You’re spot on, that’s exactly his personality. Having a child & my attention being taken away along with peri causing me to take less crap killed it I think. Thank you, makes sense.

Thank you. Peri giving me the courage is what it is! He hasn’t changed, he would be able to mask it for a short period to get back in but likely comfort would bring it all back.

If he wasn’t persistent, I think I’d be fine but after all this time & my peri improving, I think I just had a wobble!

I just couldn’t risk the stability of my DD on his say so when my gut is telling me that normal behaviour would resume!

OP - just wanted to say - hope you get your peri under control, so that you don't continue to not like anybody.

And - you don't need to "bring an unrelated male" into your DD's life - but it doesn't mean you have to live like a nun. You can keep your dating life separate from your daughter, for a long time.

Your list alone says it all. He won't change. Seeing him everyday is different to living with him. He'll revert to type and you'll regret getting back with him. Your judgement isn't lacking. He's just using the charm he used when you first him I'll bet. Be glad if the escape. Only forwards now.

Thanks all & just what I needed! He is being charming as he wants to come back but my gut is saying his neurotic & difficult personality will still be there. I think as time passes, I’ve forgotten all the frustrations, upset & irritations.

I have great friends but no family. I’m very independent & fine single really. Think I was just having a wobble but I’ve had great and true advice, thank you!

You’ve managed to do 2.5 years apart, you can keep going and sounds like you don’t miss him one bit!