breaking up from a long relationship. this is a really long post, but if you could take the time to read i’d greatly appreciate it x

[grcxo]

im really, really sorry but this is quite a long post, i’m hoping that at least someone would take a bit of time to read this🥺🥺

i’m in an 8 year relationship, we have a 3 year old boy who is an absolute treasure and quite literally the light of my life.

my entire life i’ve suffered with my mental health, from depression to panic attacks. in the last 5 or so years i’ve felt my depression stoop lower and lower, to the point where i really feel like im at an all time low. i’ve lost my get up and go, my own motivation, i see it at home and i see it at work, there was a point in my life recently where i could just about find the motivation to shower once a week where i was so physically and mentally drained.
im a full time working mum, with a partner who works atleast 50 hours a week. he focuses on the diy while im expected to focus on housework, our boy, my work, the dogs, food shop and all the other little errands that come along with adulthood.
dont get me wrong im fully aware im slacking in the jobs that i know i should be more than capable of doing, but i found myself struggling so much that the simplest of tasks feel like they’ve become a chore. im currently received intensive cbt on behalf of the nhs to try pull me out of this steep ditch, ive only had a couple of sessions so far.

earlier last year i felt myself stepping out of my depressive state and spent 2 hours scrubbing down the bathroom from the walls to the floor, every nook & cranny i could possibly see or do. i was absolutely beaming with myself seeing how i had done something so productive and i went running down to my other half with a bounce in my step. while cleaning a bathroom might sound a bit petty to be excited over, when you struggle to even get out of the bed in the morning it felt like almost a leap to the moon for me, (even though it’s only really a slight step through the door), i told my partner and he shut it down like it was nothing, told me it’s stuff that should be done anyway, something that should not have taken me as long as it did.
this conversation is a common occurrence when i feel like ive accomplished something. he has a very narrow perspective and just sees it as stuff that should be done, rather than supporting me or allowing me to feel proud of myself. at this point it feels like 1 step forward and 5 steps back, i think why bother? if i do right im wronged for it, id i dont bother i still have the same reaction.
overtime it’s just gotten worse and worse, to the point where i feel i need to get out.

my partner owns everything, from the house to the cars, even the phone that i’m currently typing on. all i have to my name is 25% of the mortgage.
he earns 5 times my annual salary and there’s no way id be able to afford this home alone, let alone a 73 plate car. he’s made it very clear that if i were to try live a life of my own, i wouldn’t get far, id be homeless, id have a shitbox car that would be in the garage every other week, and as much as it pains me to say it, i honestly think he is right.

we had an argument friday night, and i asked him if he noticed how much more i had done this week compared to last and he answered ‘no’. he’s only focus is ever on the stuff that’s not completed, or the stuff yet to do. never the stuff i’ve progressed in, or the stuff i have done.
climbing out of depression is not easy, and im seeing how important it is to have someone by your side to support you. not a critic that will force you to focus on the bad rather than good.

my doctors perscribed me antidepressants, the most common side affect for the first few weeks is tiredness and lack of get up and go. when i told my partner this, he said and i quote ‘if this medication will make you worse even if it’s only temporarily, i will not be able to support you at all’.

im thinking of finding a solicitor and walking away, but he is extremely clever in twisting and ‘manipulating’ people, he’s implied before that he would have our boy. and i fear that if we split, i literally will lose absolutely everything.
has anyone had a similar situation or any advice they can give? i feel like im stuck in the middle of a tunnel with no light in sight.

if you have taken the time to read this then honestly, thank you so so much ❤️

he earns 5 times my annual salary and there’s no way id be able to afford this home alone, let alone a 73 plate car. he’s made it very clear that if i were to try live a life of my own, i wouldn’t get far, id be homeless, id have a shitbox car that would be in the garage every other week, and as much as it pains me to say it, i honestly think he is right

Just this highlights that he is an abusive a/h (sorry!).

He never wants you to feel positive about yourself, that's why he will only mention what you haven't done, never what you've achieved.

He delights in telling you you'd be nothing without him.

please try to get out of this relationship with such a cruel man. Don't doubt your intuition, it's speaking to you loud and clear that you will be happier when you get rid of him.

Firstly…you are doing amazingly well. You are battling the odds, picking yourself up time and again, acknowledging your issues and working to change the status quo. You need to own that and take pride in it as it takes strength and courage to make those steps forward.

Your ex may be an emotionally abusive prick, he may just have no capacity to understand mental health issues, either way, it’s him that needs to buck his ideas up, not you.

Assuming he won’t, you need to be somewhere you can focus on yourself without his negativity and lack of support dragging you down.

If you’re unmarried, you are somewhat more vulnerable as you know, but make that solicitors appt. What you do know is:

• you are holding down a full time job
• you own 25% of the equity in your home
• you have an amazing little boy who deserves his mum to be happy

Get the paperwork together, see the solicitor and get a handle on the legal implications of legal.

Head over to www.entitledto.com and see what benefits you would be entitled to. At a minimum I imagine child benefit, possible universal credit on top, and if your share of the house equity and job aren’t enough for you to buy you may be able get help with rental costs.

Eight years ago my ex husband told me he would never let me walk away with our child and would rather burn the house down than see me get me get a penny.

I’m typing this from the comfort of my sofa, in my cosy little terrace (purchased with the equity I got from the sale of the marital home) with my cats snoozing nearby. I’ve just had a lovely chat with my well adjusted DD who started uni last year and went back last week. I could count on the fingers of one hand the nights she’s spent with her dad since we split, although they have a largely positive relationship.

It’s hard to make big changes, you’re allowed to be scared and it won’t all be plain sailing, but you’ve got this. Your mental health is worth so much more than a big house a new car.

One day you’ll look back on this time and be so glad you didn’t stay. Good luck.

Op the biggest virtual hug for you. He sounds like a manipulative horrible horrible man. Try citizens advice bureau for free legal advice. You are doing fantastic x i have bad days where I can't get going so I just set myself a small task. Little steps. Your other half needs to realize that you are trying your best x big virtual hugs lovely lady x stay strong x

Walk away OP. Wish you all the best. Losing this manipulative selfish partner will bring you a new lightness, and you will be fine.

just realised i forgot to add this to the original post, i spoke to citizens advice last year and it took a lot of convincing from their part, but they did advise me that a lot of things flag as abuse, i did try to brush that off as he has never laid a finger on me, i wasn’t aware that this would be classed as mental abuse, and that mental abuse itself is now classed as domestic. in which case they did advise me that with evidence (which id like to think my memos and screenshots would do) would entitle me to a free solicitor.

on a side note to everyone that has replied, from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for taking the time to reply. as i was typing it out i figured it’d be too long and a lot of people probably wouldn’t bother read past the first line. so to have this many responses already has brought a little tear to my eye. honestly, thank you ❤️

OP you are doing your best but your best will never be good enough for this cruel and abusive man.
Please read and reread @MintyCedric 's inspirational post.This can be you too if you stay strong and plan for a happier future with your little boy.
Please follow the advice that you got from Citizens advice and seek out a solicitor to begin your exit plan. If you need further information you could contact Womens Aid for advice and support. You can do this and l'm sure once free of him your depression will disappear! Wishing you all the best.

Op I second @MintyCedric says it all! You do deserve better. My dh doesn't understand my ocd and things I've been going through lately (won't go into on your thread) but he still supports me. You'll never be happy with a partner that's mentally abusing you x

Find a solicitor and walk away, I reckon you're right. I feel you'd find yourself feeling much better and stronger without him, and he's actually the source of a lot of your woes, rather than what he would like you to believe. Any man that says you would be nothing without him is a coward and a bully and is scared that one day you will wake up and realise what a shit he is and leave him.

Seek more support, it's out there, keep going.

This is a hard one , mental health has a ripple effect as you probably know , have you been low for the 8 years or just the last 5 ? Im not excusing his behaviour whatsoever ( and im probably gonna get shot down for this ) but im on the other side and i have very little patience or sympathy now and truth be told very little time to support him , prehaps that may be part of his behaviour towards you . That said i am kind and respectful and we still have a genuine friendship as i know its not his fault and shouldnt feel blame.

The fact you are so aware and open about your struggles is the most important thing , and im sure you have periods of being well and been on medication / talking therapies or whatever helps you. I agree its so important to have support but why is it his role to be that support ? especially if its been going on a while and most likely continue , please dont take that to be harsh honestly , its just being on the other side its not fun and you do get resentful and tired and think oh god is this my life my role ? i joke to him im not your mental health nurse or your therapist but im not joking. Have you had a open and honest conversation with him and really understand how he's been feeling ? That in no way excuses his behaviour and nasty threats thats just wrong but i wonder if hes just frustrated ? We all say things we dont mean , Has he been supportive for the last 5 years ? or always been like this ?

Not everyone can be in a relationship with someone struggling with mental health , its nothing to do with love , i love the bones of my man and cant imagine a life without him and i admire people with endless patience and support who do this XXXX sending love to you and your little one

Oh love. I want to give you a hug.

Ignore what he says. When you get into the legalities the law decides who gets what and you will have a place to live and money.

It is hard to live with someone with depression, I know as I have had depression a lot in my marriage, but everyone has choices and he has chosen not to leave.

You are right to leave and from experience, it will be hard, scary, unsettling and worrying but you will feel so much better once you are away from the person who is at best making your depression worse, but at worst causing it..

FWIW I also feel happy when I have managed to clean the bathroom/kitchen/ got chores done.

You'd probably feel your mood lift considerably were you to get the hell away from this abusive prick.

Op I have been in a similar situation no well paid Job just average wage no cars no mortgage as we was renting. But your doing brilliant don't put yourself down like this your seeking help and I know its hard but leave him your mental health will never get better with him

You've had depression for 5 years and have only recently started therapy and got antidepressants from your GP?

I agree this relationship is probably done.

He sounds at the end of his tether, resentful and all out of patience, and I don't think he has it in him to offer you the support you need.

ive only recently gotten help because he always put down my depression to laziness. and also because i never wanted to bother the nhs with my ‘mental health’, while that might sound silly, i know that mental health is often pushed aside as it’s not visible. i was always told by him that it weren’t depression, and just something to snap out of, don’t get me wrong ive felt this way for a while yes, but only after the last year or two has it gotten worse, from day one of our relationship threats have been given about taking my car away and leaving me no option to get to work because a suitcase was left on the spare bed while i was packing for our holiday. or the constant argument whenever i try to leave ‘you’ll struggle to live a life without me’

while i completely understand he could be fustrated, i would have more of an understanding if support was given in the first place.

i no money to treat myself once in a while. i only pocket £10-£15 a week while he’s swimming in £300-£400 a week, he can happily pick up coffee everyday and spend £25 a day on food, but can’t cover my bills when i need to take a day off to look after our boy because he has been sick. this then comes out of my money for the car insurance, leaving me short when my car insurance comes around. which then causes another argument.

i want to sympathise and i know where my problems are, im not at all in denial about that. and our house is definitely not a mess, but it is not of a showhome standard, which is what he expects.

i would and probably should have left sooner, but i think when you’re in this position you struggle to see the red flags at the start. you focus more on the good and forget about the bad. it’s only that times moved forward i’ve noticed the red flags that were there at the start and that i ignored.

every evening he lays on the sofa after a bit of diy and in bed between 8-9, and im the one cooking, cleaning, bathing our son, feeding the dogs, doing the housework. i wouldn’t mind, but we both work full time, so if the support was there to start with, id be more inclined to understand the frustration.

i used to be extremely motivated, i could do anything and everything with not a single complaint, but the last 2 years is where it has honestly really hit me.

Sweetheart the more you describe the more financially and emotionally abusive it is clear he is.
I bet you would not have such acute depression if you were free of him. Please make little steps towards this every day.

You know you can do this because look at everything you are already achieving every day - you're already battling depression to take care of your son while living on a tight and inflexible budget, and doing chores like cleaning the bathroom in the face of a barrage of criticism.

OP this man is making you I’ll!
He is gaslighting financially and psychologically abusing you .

Despite this you work full time
and are raising a wonderful child
You are amazing.

Things can’t go on like this.
Please follow the advice you’ve been given by Citizens Advice .
See a Solicitor and seek legal advice.
Then file for Divorce .
You have equity in the house, he will have to pay CMS.
Start talking to friends and family about the abuse and ask for help.
x