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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship ending

26 replies

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 10:35

Hi everyone,

Been in this relationship for two years now (both 36) and things were great until last June when my SO was promoted. Since then, slowly stress took over her. First we delayed permanently our desire to move in together, then she slowly became distant when it comes to intimacy. She reached a level close to burnout.
During this period I was trying my best to be supportive, but without any luck, she couldn't see I was there for her. I didn't try to fix things, just been there.
Sure, there was a frustration building in me also because of that, because we reached a level where she couldn't stay 1 minute hugged in bed with me.
After yesterday being awful, I confronted her, told her some things like she needs to understand she is not alone in this and I have feelings too and this is not doing any good. We've been talking about this since Christmas because we failed to enjoy our vacation.
So, after a talk, she said: She needs to get better on her own, as much as it hurts.
My heart sank. I left her appartment with my things and she didn't try to stop me. So here I am, crying my eyes out.

A little background: there isn't someone else and never was. She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago. I am saying some sort of depression because she doesn't have a proper diagnostic or she never told me. She is doing therapy, but I don't know if it helps her, I've never seen any type of progress since we've been together, so either she is not taking the advices or the therapist is not helping her that much. She is not taking any pills from my knowledge.

I understand what she told me, I really do, but she let me go, she didn't put up a fight and it hurts.

OP posts:
JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 11:30

Anyone?
I feel I want to reach out and ask why did you let me go?

OP posts:
samestyle · 21/01/2024 11:51

It does hurt when you don't want the relationship to end but reaching out to her isn't going to help, in fact she will resent it more, there's nothing you can do.
whether is really is her mental health or not, it's up to her to seek help. Besides being in a relationship when they are disinterested is no good for you.

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 12:02

I did reach out, asked her why did she let me leave? Why when it means I am not coming back.
her response: you know why, I don't understand why are you asking me this, to feel guiltier that I feel or to make myself doubt my decision

OP posts:
Didimum · 21/01/2024 12:50

It’s not in her interests to ‘fight’ to be in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in. I’m not sure anyone needs to ‘fight’ to be in any relationship quite frankly.

I understand you’re in pain, but you’ve broken up. It’s time to take the steps to accept that and move on with your life.

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 13:03

@Didimum I absolutely agree, when it comes to "fight".
I am just overwhelmed at the moment. I swear I would be ok if **ed up somehow, if it was my fault that lead to this. But it wasn't and I feel completely hopeless and sad.
Surely, it will be better soon, but what will I do next? What if she calls me in 3 days? One week? One month?

OP posts:
ManHereSorry · 21/01/2024 13:24

All you can do is move on. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more and there's nothing you can do to change it. Sounds like it hasn't been enjoyable for a while anyway so you're better off out of it.

Get yourself on Tinder and have some fun.

Didimum · 21/01/2024 13:47

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 13:03

@Didimum I absolutely agree, when it comes to "fight".
I am just overwhelmed at the moment. I swear I would be ok if **ed up somehow, if it was my fault that lead to this. But it wasn't and I feel completely hopeless and sad.
Surely, it will be better soon, but what will I do next? What if she calls me in 3 days? One week? One month?

A break up always has to be on one person’s terms. It’s unlikely yep people breaking up come to a completely mutual understanding. And being on the side of not wanting to break up of course hurts the most.

If she calls you, whenever that is, I would tell her it was not a healthy relationship for either of you and you should stay on separate paths.

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 15:37

@Didimum
I've been there, both sides of the fences. But now it feel different because I don't understand how it happened. How did we end up here?
I was full with work this week and we saw each other on Thursday (so tuesday and wednesday not) and when we saw each other she was all over me. Then today I was listening to her asking me if I saw her "ok" lately and I noticed she was annoyed I told her I think she is not trying to help herself get better.

At the moment I can't make sense of all of this. It didn't came out of nowhere, that I can agree on.

OP posts:
JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 16:13

I don't have self-esteem issues, but I feel hopeless, like I am too old to find love and there is no one out there. When I ws younger I did not have this issue to go out, meet new people, Tinder etc. Now I don't feel that. I feel hopeless because I gave it my best. I really did.

OP posts:
Rosiem2808 · 21/01/2024 16:17

Is this a real person posting or some sort of computer generated thing?

Didimum · 21/01/2024 17:53

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 15:37

@Didimum
I've been there, both sides of the fences. But now it feel different because I don't understand how it happened. How did we end up here?
I was full with work this week and we saw each other on Thursday (so tuesday and wednesday not) and when we saw each other she was all over me. Then today I was listening to her asking me if I saw her "ok" lately and I noticed she was annoyed I told her I think she is not trying to help herself get better.

At the moment I can't make sense of all of this. It didn't came out of nowhere, that I can agree on.

She is not in the right place for a relationship. That’s all you really need to know.

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 18:00

Didimum · 21/01/2024 17:53

She is not in the right place for a relationship. That’s all you really need to know.

Sadly I got that.
But I can't switch off my love for her just like that.

OP posts:
Didimum · 21/01/2024 18:04

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 18:00

Sadly I got that.
But I can't switch off my love for her just like that.

No one would expect that. That’s why it’s called ‘taking the time to move on’. Cutting contact will help.

JohnRingo · 21/01/2024 18:17

Just one more thing, because clearly I am not seeing things right now and have the right state of mind, but I need an outside opinion to understand If I pushed things in this direction:

Since NYE we had every weekend discussions about this.
Yesterday in the afternoon we had a disagreement because I told her I am tired to be rejected by the woman I love. She went in the bedroom, stayed there for two hours, came back, then in the evening, when she was getting undressed I was saying she is sexy and she replied "I think you are lying to yourself and see me that way when I am fat and ugly" (she is quite fit). She came in the bed and I got annoyed she was rejecting me (I was caressing her, no sexual intention whasoever) and I told her I am begining to think you are doing this on purpose to annoy me. I can't understand how the person you are saying you love is telling what he wants/needs and you refuse to do even a small effort for it.
Then morning came and she didn't want to stay in bed with me. So again we talked about what is going on and she said: As painfull as it is, I think I need to do this alone.

So I left. Reached out in two hours like a fool asking how could you let me leave? And she replied: are you trying to make me feel guiltier that I feel or make me think again about what I've said? I replied: I wanted you to realize I am going and I feel like you let me go. She didn't reply anymore, just seen.

So I was boiling from the inside, I had to tell her. And we had repeatead conversations because I failed to see any steps ahead from her part.

OP posts:
ManHereSorry · 21/01/2024 19:44

Let it go and stop feeling sorry for yourself. By the way you’re not too old to find love at 36, my marriage ended when I was 42 and I had a great time, now five years later I’m with someone far more suited to me than my ex was, I just couldn’t see at the time that the relationship was all wrong for both of us.

Lukedenuke · 22/01/2024 07:24

I've been following this forum for a while and comments like @Rosiem2808 is what is making men reluctant to post.
The guy is clearly broken after his whole world shifted and he is trying to find answers. We are all clearly strangers and can't give him that, but we can share some inputs from the outside, from our experiences with people that suffer from depression.

@JohnRingo seek therapy, mate. That is the best thing I can tell you. I don't think it was your fault, but you never had a chance. You can't fix somebody who doesn't want to be fixed.

Dery · 22/01/2024 08:08

@JohnRingo - I’m very sorry you’re in this situation. It’s extremely painful when you love someone who no longer wants to be with you. And relationships in our 30s often feel particularly serious because many people start planning to settle down then, if they haven’t already. Like you, most of us have been on both sides of that divide - it’s rare for a breakup to be completely mutual.

It’s a cliche but time and keeping busy are the best healers. Feel your feelings - don’t bury them - but make sure you have lots of distractions also. Therapy would help also as a place to talk your feelings through and do you have friends/family you can talk to?

36 is no age. My mum and stepdad, who were both divorced, met in their late 50s and had a very happy 2nd marriage. It’s natural to feel a bit hopeless about relationships now and you shouldn’t rush into a new one but you will be able to love again. I know lots of people who have been in your shoes and after a while have gone on to find better and happier relationships with new partners. Just be gentle with yourself and give it time.

JohnRingo · 22/01/2024 15:06

@Dery
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, I know I am not the only one and my problems are the center of the univers, like no one else had them.
But like many others before me, I feel hopeless because I can't understand things and it feels very frustrating and sad.

At the moment I am doing the first step: searching a therapist to book a session.

OP posts:
Lukedenuke · 23/01/2024 07:18

Anyone else been with people who suffer from depression?

Waterfallsandrainbows · 23/01/2024 07:25

I feel for your therapist.

If I don’t want to be cuddled by my husband I tell him he accepts it and doesn’t then try and guilt trip me in the guise of explaining how it makes him feel. This works two ways too as I accept when he says he doesn’t want to be caressed or cuddled or whatever.

Start with respecting boundaries that may help.

Lukedenuke · 23/01/2024 10:11

@Waterfallsandrainbows

That's BS. I understand it once, but when it happens 90% of the times like he is saying it does, than that is not "not respecting boundaries and guilt trip".

I wouldn't like to go to my SO every single day for 6 months to hug or caress and be rejected. That's not a relationship.

JohnRingo · 23/01/2024 21:22

I think I want to write her an email. Not beg, don't want to gain anything from that, I just want to speak my mind and heart. Don't want to ask her to come back, but I think this might help my closure.

Is that a mistake?

OP posts:
Chinupandtitsout · 23/01/2024 22:00

Yes. A mistake. I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
If she has checked out of the relationship, nothing repeat nothing will make any difference to her feelings.
I get it. It hurts like crazy.
Your best course of action is to GAL (get a life). Maybe if she sees you are doing OK without her she may wonder what she has lost. YOU are the prize.

B1rd · 24/01/2024 00:39

Your lady hasn't got the balls to say your relationship is over. She is being difficult and is expecting you to end it, so she doesnt have to.
Goodness, Ive been where you are a couple of times. But grab your dignity and your self worth and leave her.
You will find someone who adores you. NEVER go back and beg, this relationship is over. Take care of yourself. Grieve, never beg.

RantyAnty · 24/01/2024 03:48

Waterfallsandrainbows · 23/01/2024 07:25

I feel for your therapist.

If I don’t want to be cuddled by my husband I tell him he accepts it and doesn’t then try and guilt trip me in the guise of explaining how it makes him feel. This works two ways too as I accept when he says he doesn’t want to be caressed or cuddled or whatever.

Start with respecting boundaries that may help.

Edited

Sex pest comes to mind.

She had enough and put an end to it and now he wants to keep pestering her