DH stopped sex saying "tired" then went to the bathroom and wanked to porn

[LatteFlatte]

Not quite sure what to think or feel. We were having sex, I was on top for some of it, trying to be engaged and asking what he wanted (he is very vanilla, won't ever share any fantasies, claiming not to have them). He stopped, which was fine saying he was tired. Went to bathroom and shower was on so I assumed he was in it. I was suddenly desperate for a pee so knocked and ran in whilst apologising, he was in there with his phone wanking to porn.
I've recently lost a considerable amount of weight (4.5 stone but slowly over 10 months) and am a bit conscious of slightly droopier breasts (but not dreadful). Is this normal? Has he just gone off me?

Don’t think I’d enter an occupied bathroom without a yes.
Maybe being too familiar with each other is the problem?
Sure, sex, being naked, comfortable. But private space…

This kind of thing has happened in my marriage more than I'd care to admit.

If this is a one off, I wouldnt be overly concerned as it could just be that we wasn't overly in the mood for sex, but tried anyway and it wasnt doing for him in the moment. But as you'd already started he needed a quick release so to speak.

However, if this happens more regularly, I would address it together properly.

Communication is key here. I would tell him it surprised you as he was tired and ask if all is okay. You say from your post that you were "trying" to engage with him. Have a look at your sex life in general. Maybe a break from penetrative sex and more work on intimacy e.g. sensual touching, cuddles, dates, passionate kissing is needed and the sex may follow.

Whatever the issue turns out to be, know its not you and that you can't do all the work. Good luck OP x

I accept I interrupted his privacy, but I did knock, I also think I made a fair assumption that he was simply showering as it was on. I was also absolutely desperate and to be honest even if had said hang on a minute I genuinely don't think I'd have been able to. I also apologised as I went in. I always give him space and am fine with him masturbating (obviously) but he stopped the sex we were having saying he was tired and then wanked to porn instead.

Wow Gowlett you think the problem here is that she went into the bathroom when she needed a wee??

OP, it sounds like he’s just got used to/addicted to wanking to porn. It’s easier, more predictable, less performance anxiety than actual sex with an actual woman. This happens in quite a few couples unfortunately, it isn’t because of your weight or looks.

I’d be having a blunt discussion with him and saying does he want a sex life with an actual woman or a virtual sex life based on porn.

I’d say he just wasn’t feeling it and rather than just bang away to get it over with

had a wank because he was all fired up needed to cum to settle down

Firstly this is a him problem. Nothing to do with your body or you as a person I am sure you're wonderful and clearly sound very open to sexual intimacy and wanting his ideas and involvement. All very healthy.

However it does ring alarm bells for porn addiction. To stop sex with a wonderful real woman to lie about being tired but then seek sexual gratification from porn and try to hide that. All signs of addiction.

It won't be about other women's bodies it's about chemicals in the brain it's about novelty it's about ease of no pressure for him to have to worry about another human in which he cares for. It's a very selfish immature addiction.

For now I'd have a conversation about your feelings and what was going on for him. I'd lay out that you need honesty above all else. He may not have the skills for these. Addictions at the heart are coping mechanisms for avoiding anything difficult in life particularly difficult emotions. He may not have the skills to honestly communicate what's going on for him.

Here come the resources

Your brain on porn book and website is great for information and the science of how the brain is rewired by porn.
The porn paradox
Pbse podcast is a good starting point
Laurel centre for therapy

Betrayal trauma for you
Choose to be podcast
Helping couples heal podcast
Omar minwalla
Secret sexual basement
Reddit love after porn - lots of support and resources there.

No one can diagnose him over the Internet obviously but looks into some of these and see if it fits. There will be other signs.

I'll also add that my DP claims not to have fantasies and also enjoys porn. I think sometimes that they aren't fantasising that we would in the traditional sense as the porn is doing the work for them iyswim, so he may not have a self assured answer when put on the spot.

In my experience, my DH watching (what I deem) too much porn has had an effect on our sex life, and its not gone well when I've voiced this bluntly as it made him defensive. So maybe don't make it too much of an issue or else he may get defensive straight away and shut down all lines of communication on the subject (talking from experience). Try and keep an open line of communication on the subject and sound non-judgemental so hopefully he'll feel he can open up to you about it x

Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss, thats pretty impressive!

There will be some instantly slamming him saying porn addiction, but let's keep an open mind.

Some possibilities:

Maybe the 'motion of the ocean' wasn't getting him there, he was tired, but actually wanted to cum (ran off for a quick relief). There was a recent post in here where women were slamming a guy who didn't ejaculate (eye roll).

Maybe just stress/pressure?

Maybe since losing weight, less sensation? (Sorry)

Maybe porn addiction?

Maybe medication?

...truth be told, this is an easy one. Ask him!

How did he react when you saw him? There's a part of me that would be curious about what he was watching because it might give you insight into what he likes (as you say he doesn't tell you). It might be something you can indulge to get him excited?

It maybe this. I have learnt from the DH that if he is worked up and then cannot finish, the next morning he aches. There have been a few times when the kids have woken and I have had to go settle them and by the time I have come back, we are both too tired to finish 😂

Ah, no I can see the actual problem as well.
Was just thinking, entering the bathroom…
Bit you did think he was in the shower TBH.
Will say though, that often men don’t finish the job.
And women, although not with the help of porn as much…
Have a moment of self-service once he’s snoring!

If I am in the wrong headspace it’s very hard for me to get excited and I think that can be normal for women but we just expect men to always be there! He already said he was tired! Anything could be wrong mentally with him that meant he was struggling. That alone would cause anxiety and he may have gone to the bathroom to see if he could get going another way?
you both need to talk about your feelings openly.

Lovely.