Do I have a right to feel hurt and rejected?

[Flyn032]

My wife has not initiated or shown any sexual advances towards me in thirteen years. We still have sex but I am am the gatekeeper, the owner of the flame. This disparity has never been discussed from her perspective, she has never raised a problem or said that things are not working. I have raised it many times, to the point where I will not raise it again. I have asked her to tell me if there is a problem, to tell me if she is not getting what she wants, if she doesn’t want me, to explore any medical or psychological issues she/we may have. All she says is sorry and that she will try. She has never tried in 13 years. I have left it, and we went 6 months without any intimacy. The thing that hurts most now is how she knows it affects things, yet still won’t make the effort. She has ignored my pleas to try and put
her half of effort into things. I understand the challenge of having children and how it can affect things, I understand the lack of confidence that can sometimes come when getting older, and I get that we are tired. However I never agreed to this halting of our sex life, I didn’t sign up for that, and it’s not been discussed from her initiating the discussion. If I didn’t initiate things we would never be intimate again. Her lack of listening or if there is an issue wanting to address
things is what is jarring. I’m at my wits end and feel very resentful towards her now. I feel I have tried to work this out and had to bring up this difficult subject at least twice a year every year, but now I have had enough of feeling like I’m the only one that cares.

Not going to make any comment but just two observations.
OP has no posting history or has name changed.
No mention of whether this is a M/F marriage or F/F. Not that it should matter in the responses.

I'm assuming that you're male? I was very similar to your wife. I'm afraid for me I had lost any attraction to my husband and had been just going along with sex for the sake of the marriage. I dreaded it and didn't enjoy it. Eventually I ended the marriage, not only for that reason- there were other problems too- but I realised I had sexual desire,.just not for my husband. Yes you have the right to feel hurt and rejected. You can tell her that this is a deal breaker for you. Give her the option to try and make it better - relationship counselling for example. If she's not willing to try knowing that for you it's a deal breaker then there is a good chance the marriage can't survive. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am male. It has crossed my mind (of course) that she no longer is attracted to me. If someone else had posed this situation to me I would think the same. She denys that and says she is attracted to me, but it is hard to actually believe that even though she seems to enjoy our intimacy. Thanks for the comment. If we didn’t have kids I would have left years ago if I am honest, a year of trying to rectify things (to no avail) would have been enough. I have found a relationship counsellor, so that could be the next step.

Has your sex life ever been good? For me and my soon to be ex DH we can both see now that we never really had a healthy sexual relationship. We were never really compatible with our sex drives and we just sort of limped along, neither of us being fulfilled. We have children too so ending things wasn't a decision I took lightly, but as I said there were other issues too for us. My biggest regret is not talking about how unhappy I was earlier in the relationship. If she's willing to try the counselling then there is still some hope for you guys and I really hope you can make it work. You do deserve to feel desired and wanted though - I can see how damaging it was to My STBXDH to always be the one to instigate it, and to have to deal with the perceived rejection when I frequently said no or was disengaged during it.

A friend of mine had a very similar situation, even down to not initiating for 6 months and zero sex.

They ended up having a crisis meeting. The upshot was his wife was very happy in the relationship, still fancied and loved him but just wasn't that fussed about sex although she usually enjoyed it when it happened.

They decided to create a family contract with twice weekly sex written in with rain check options. There was also other points that the wife felt they needed.

A few years later and seems to be working just fine. Might be an option for you?

Does your partner actually enjoy sex with you? Do they get pleasure and do you prioritise this? Have you asked them what they like and made that central? Do you know if they are even sexually aroused and whether they get anything from it? You need to be able to answer these questions. Do you know about her cycle and when she’s most likely to be in the mood for your advances? If you cannot answer these questions there’s a lot of work to be done. HTH.

Yes, it could be that this is the situation. I have suggested such an arrangement, but she never held up her end of the bargain. I was the one driving the solution, when in reality perhaps I could expect some effort from her. I have made it
clear that this is really hurtful many times but even though she apologises she never picks up the baton.

Yes, it could be that this is the situation. I have suggested such an arrangement, but she never held up her end of the bargain. I was the one driving the solution, when in reality perhaps I could expect some effort from her. I have made it
clear that this is really hurtful many times but even though she apologises she never picks up the baton.

Yes, to all of this and if she doesn’t enjoy sex, if I am misinterpreting, then maybe communicate this so we can work it out. It needs to start and end with communication to my mind.

I think @Babymamamama has given some really good advice.

I would also say that feeling like you have to make yourself want to have sex is the least sexually arousing thing in the world so it starts to be an impossible bind. This could very easily result in resentment from her as well as your resentment and resentment isn't sexy either is it.

You might need to rethink the goal. You can masturbate for sexual release so what is it you want from your wife? Intimacy? Closeness? Start by making that the priority rather than shagging.

I don't think you're wrong to want to have a good sex life with your wife but I don't think getting annoyed and peevish about it is going to achieve what you want. If you think she's deliberately 'withholding' you have to ask why.

Does she orgasm when you have sex?

Are you pulling your weight with the kids and around the house? Being a competent, caring partner who shares the load proactively makes you much more attractive and means you lighten the physical and mental load on your wife, giving her more energy to think about enjoying a sex life.

Do you have plenty of other physical intimacy without the expectation it will lead to sex? She could maybe relax into getting back in touch with her desire without the pressure on.

Ask yourself honestly? Why would someone make an effort with something they get nothing out of? You need to reverse your thinking and start understanding your partner.

All this talk of her end of the bargain and driving solutions is disturbing and unpleasant. Listen to yourself OP!