Potential right guy, but wrong time?!

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I don't know what to do.

I'm late forties and currently going through a separation from DH. We've been married for over 20 years and have two teen dc.

The marriage has ended due to us growing apart and years of DH being depressed, anxious and emotionally abusive. He was also kind at times but basically for the last few years he has been totally emotionally shut off to me - he's even told me that he doesn't love me any more and was staying for the kids! So I've instigated the separation and he has agreed to move out in a few weeks time.

A year ago, I met a guy through work (on zoom). Over the past year we have had a meeting (just the two of us) maybe once a month. As well as talking about work we also had a bit of personal chat, just being friendly and getting to know each other. Somehow this sounds cringey to say this, but there is a lot of chemistry and I am very sure that he feels it too. I actually really like him as a person (not just physically). He is single and I told him I was married so obviously nothing inappropriate was ever said, plus we were meeting through work. The project I am working on with him is coming to an end, but I could potentially contact him again in the future to work together again if necessary. He has said to me to contact him at any time if I need to.

I just feel like I am in a dliemma. I thought I would separate from DH and have a lot of time to heal, focus on myself etc as the last few years have actually been really tough. I also feel exhausted - working, looking after teenagers, running a house. I have no idea how people have the time and energy to have a new relationship alongside everything else.

But equally I feel lonely and would love to have a nice connection with someone and feel warmth and love after the years of coldness with DH. How often does this opportunity come along? I have only felt a spark like this with a couple of people in my life. I've heard so many horror stories of dating at my age.

I just don't feel it's the right time for me to meet someone, but I don't want to regret a missed opportunity!

I understand your dilemma. It sounds as if ur marriage was over long before the separation so u might think perhaps it is worth trying to see where things go with the potentially new man. If u did go down this avenue I would not tell your children. There is definitely merit in being single, taking stock and simply giving yourself time to breathe. If it's meant to be then hopefully u will both be single when u are both ready. One thing to consider is though, if u did have a relationship and things went sour, would you still have to work together? Good luck OP.

I think just go for it but protect your heart. It could be a lovely fling and just what you need.

Honestly, this is a tricky one. While I do advocate in general for a bit of a gap between relationships, I am not naive to the fact that most relationships start dying emotionally long before the actual break up.

What I would say is that right now you are going through a tough time and your body has been used to stress and anxiety, so it is naturally seeking a big old dopamine hit. What seems like a huge spark, could just be a regular spark or flirtation thats been magnified by the fact you've been in a vold situation for so long. And it would be good to remain VERY aware of that fact for a while, for months - even if it starts, and is going well - operate a little healthy scepticism to the depth of connection you might feel. That's the big thing to keep in mind, is that your body and mind have been affected by this, even if you feel 'okay' otherwise. So it's to your benefit to go slowly.

So what I would say is, go cautiously, deliberately, and openly - and what I mean by that is, if you do end up pursuing this guy, you need to be up front about the fact your marriage has just ended and you want to be cautious about rushing into anything. If he is a good guy, then he will assist in this,and not get carried away. A lot of people come out of long stressful situations, then end up thinking the new partner is the love of their life due to how good it feels to finally get some happiness and affection back, and this is how big decisions are made, in this pumped-up honeymoon period state, before your brain has really had the chance to heal, even if you feel okay.
What I'm saying is - go slowly, don't jump into spending loads of time together, carve out your own independent life that doesn't have him in it, and make decisions and look at any new relationship critically, from a 'my marriage JUST ended and its best for both of us long-term that we go slowly, and not rush into things'
I would give yourself at least a couple of months breathing space first, personally. Make sure you are inspecting both your past relationship patterns, but also thinking about previous relationships and how they started, how they felt when they started, what changed etc. Take this time to really take stock and heal.

you defo don’t sound in the right place to be thinking of a new relationship. You’ve still got to get through a potentially ugly divorce. Divorces are known to be one of life’s most stressful events; it’s not fair to being a new partner into all of that.

Thanks all.

@Foxblue "What I would say is that right now you are going through a tough time and your body has been used to stress and anxiety, so it is naturally seeking a big old dopamine hit. What seems like a huge spark, could just be a regular spark or flirtation thats been magnified by the fact you've been in a vold situation for so long."

I totally get what you're saying here - I've been wondering that myself. Although I do think there is genuinely a spark and real connection with this guy, I also do think it's intensified as I've been living with coldness and disengagement from DH for so long. It's like I've had a massive deficit of love and care for years, so if I feel like it's potentially there with this new guy, it seems very strong, whereas if I was coming from a more balanced, healed place, it may not feel as intense.

Yes, I do feel like I would like a couple of months breathing space to be honest, then take things slowly. I want to find my feet as a single woman, heal from my marriage, and look at my relationship patterns. I can't wait for my DH to move out as i don't feel i can start to heal until he does.

The thing is, I don't feel I can have a direct conversation with the new guy about any of this as nothing has been said between us. I think maybe I will just wait for a few months then contact him again. I guess it's a risk as he could have found someone else in that time, but I really don't know if I am in the right headspace to start anything now - even though I do really like him 🫤

I don't think this is uncommon when ltr comes to an end, you can feel a spark with anyone who shows you interest after years of being lonely in your marriage.
There is no harm in seeing if anything develops but try not to get your hopes up that this will be the happy ever after after a divorce. It may serve it's purpose, IE make you feel wanted and special etc and give you confidence that you can date again, but during a separation is not the ideal time to start a new relationship for you, him or very likely your children.

Try and think how it would make you feel if he used your or rejected you, could you cope with that on top of a divorce? Not saying he will but it could and this could destabilise you emotionally.

If iw ere you I'd focus on sorting out life for you and the kids. Keep meeting him if it's a nice distraction and makes you feel good but do concentrate on you. Dating is very complex when there is children involved. I divorced 4 years go, there been brief relationships here and there and one serious one but what I have found is when you have kids and work full time it's quite a challenge to build a new relationship when it's likely your partner has the same commitments IE children and work. I've decided to stop relationships all together until my youngest is a fully functioning adult, it's just too complicated for now.

@Raver84 that all makes sense. Yes I do feel the interactions with the new guy have given me confidence and shown me that at least I can be attractive to someone, whereas I felt such a lack of confidence after DH told me he didn't love me any more.

I agree that I need to focus on life for me and the kids. I understand what you're saying about dating when you have kids and work - I have no idea how people do it! I know I am in the middle of separation and there seems to be a lot to sort out, so maybe things will settle down, but even then I can't imagine I will have a lot of free time to date. It's sad as I would like a loving relationship, but the kids come first and I don't know if I can do it all right now.

Try not too think to much about the future. Living with ex is hard but common until one of you moves out take one day at a time. By far that 6 months was the worst of my life.

Things do get better when you and the kids are settled and in a new routine, they will spend time with their dad and you could look at baby sitters locally if you need them, try going out by yourself at first then when your ready to date you will have someone you can call on. Give yourself a night out each week so you have something to look fwd to even if you go to cinema your own for a swim or to the pub with a Book or meet a friend.

@Raver84 yes the time since I decided to separate, which was really about 8 months ago, has been the worst of my life! Living with DH has become unbearable, but I just have to get through the next few weeks.

Thank you for giving me hope that things will in time settle down and get better. And maybe I will in time have the headspace to date/have a relationship.

I just feel like I am in a dliemma

You're not. You have some recovering to do, so do that. If he's the right guy, he'll still be around.

From my personal experience, I left a 20+ year marriage and met the perfect man pretty quickly afterwards

Only he wasn’t the perfect man at all, he was actually a bit of a twat who had I not been the position I was, I don’t think I’d have been as attracted to him as I was.

I do think it’s very common to have a rebound relationship but just be aware that your heart and head might be in different places at this time.