How often do you spend time with dp?

[Pennyhwill]

So I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable in feeling upset about how little time me and dp spend together or if it’s quite common for couples (specifically when one works full time and you have dc) to not do much together?

2 dc together, he works full time (although self employed so dictates his hours) yet we never do anything together as a couple. I see him at home in the afternoon on weekdays (he works morning and evening shifts) and then again at bed time when we’re sleeping. 1/2 times a week he will have the evening off which we take dc to club activities and on the weekends he works 7am-8pm so I am completely by myself with dc all weekend.

the most we do together is watch tv in the evening 1/2 times a week when he has the evening off but it consists of us being at opposite ends of the sofa and me watching the movie practically by myself while he spends the ENTIRE time playing a game on his phone.

As well as the physical aspect, he doesn’t even communicate with me on a virtual level. He never ever texts me unless it’s asking me to do something or he needs something or if I have sent him something. This afternoon I was feeling a bit down and simply messaged him ‘hi’ in which he replied ‘sup’…. I then said I’m just saying hello and he replied ‘hello hi are you’. It just feels so awkward to me, he doesn’t ever go out of his way to just send a quick text or hello message or check on me etc. when I replied telling him I feel a bit rubbish he responded by sending me a list of housework that he wants me to do! What bothers me is that he has all the time in the world to reply to texts/messages from clients, or anyone at all on WhatsApp or Instagram. He has consistent conversations with them about their days, people can send him funny memes or just talk about anything and he responds to them but I don’t get anything.

he did take me on a date for my birthday almost 1 year ago, which was lovely, but that was a very rare experience in all the years we’ve been together. I’ve been so fed up of not going on dates or doing anything together that I took him out in London for his birthday (almost a year ago) in which felt like I had to force him. other than that the only time we do anything is with the dc, taking them on the odd day out or shopping as a family.

I am extremely lonely but also very used to it now. This week he told me a few times that he will be home early on Saturday (today) to spend time with me and dc. I very much looked forward to that all day just for him to return home at 6pm-ish… to me that is not early and he should definitely be home by 6pm on a weekend anyway! When I questioned him on this he told me he took on more clients today.

he then put a movie on for us to watch as a family this evening, me and dc sat for 2 hours watching the movie and he stayed on his phone the ENTIRE time… I mean he literally did not move the phone out of his hands for even 1 second! I looked across a few times and could see him doing some admin stuff for work, then going through instagram(looking at peoples profiles, following people) and then went back to playing his game on his phone.

once the dc went to their room he put a movie on that I had wanted to watch and continued playing on his phone. At one point he asked me something and next moment he has switched off the tv, told me he doesn’t like my ‘tone’ and has stormed off to the room playing his game and left me on the sofa alone.

at this point I’m used to being lonely but it’s becoming really upsetting now. I understand he works full time and we are not in the early stages of dating anymore, but I don’t feel any attention from him at all.

how much time do you spend with your partner? Do you get much 1-on-1 time or go on dates?

To be fair, we don’t go on dates or have much alone time as we have a DD and no family living nearby so we haven’t had childcare. However we do spend weekends together as a family, and if DD goes on the odd sleepover then we make the most of this.

It sounds like your DH has checked out to be honest. I mean why does he work so much and at the weekend? Doesn’t sound like he is much of a parent either.

You need to tell him how you feel - something needs to change doesn’t it, as that is no life. Do you think he might be wanting you to end it?

No wife would want to live like you. Doesn’t sound much like a marriage/partnership really.

I see a parenting partnership, a housemate situation, but not much of a marriage here.

It's like he's just not that bothered. Someone who has emotionally checked out. Other than placing his body fairly close to yours, or making sure he's physically in the same room, he doesn't seem interested in cultivating your relationship, in making sure you have shared experiences.

There are so many women who say they're lonely inside their relationships. Some men go off every weekend somewhere for many hours without them, living much the same life as they did when they were young & single. Others spend a lot of time gaming or are mentally absent.

Their poor partners wither away in that loneliness, always gaslit when they bring up the topic, their partners saying that everything is fine or making out as if their partner as unreasonable expectations, and make them feel guilty for it.

I call this emotional abandonment. What happens is that they leave you, mentally and emotionally....just neglect to tell you this. They want the comfort of having a spouse, don't want to split with their wife as it means seeing their kids less.

Does he ever express enthusiasm at maybe organising a date night with you, seem interested to know your opinion or thoughts? Has he ever been like that?

It seems like you're just getting the odd crumb of affection nothing real and you're not a real partnership now

Yes exactly this.

he never shows any enthusiasm about doing anything unless it’s something he wants to do which is usually the odd time going shopping (because he has a reason to get something) or in the past we have gone to the cinema but only when it’s been a movie HE has really wanted to see.

he doesn’t seem interested in anything I say, even general talking is only about what he wants to talk about. He has said once or twice that I should do the arranging and he’ll just show up and pay. But I don’t like that idea, it makes me feel like I am forcing him to do something and he’s not genuinely interested in doing it.

he has just come and told me to fill up his water bottle for him and hang the wet washing up before I come to bed, then he went back to the bedroom….

he has mentioned recently the comment that I am a boring housewife now…

He has said once or twice that I should do the arranging and he’ll just show up and pay

This says so much.

It might seem like a minor, flippant comment, but he thinks that because he basically doesn't think you're worth it (I note that you are not married either....) Therefore, he will expect you to do all the heavy lifting as you're the one who wants to spend time with him , not the other way around.

Some men also think this is beneath them - organising is women's work, and His Royal Highness' time is FAR too precious to do such trivial things. He is the one who should be waited upon, not be the one waiting upon you.

If you're the boring 'housewife' now, it's because he's put you in that position because of what his personality and gender expectations are like. Some men don't want to control their desire to treat their wife like their P.A. They turn them into their mums as they probably saw their fathers treat their mothers the same way. They often exploit others, are very much on their own side, and they're often quite happy for a woman to have their children and for that woman to wait upon them.....just not marry them.

It's these sorts of female partners that finally wake up and smell the coffee when they leave their partners, and maybe a few years down the line, they see their ex marry a much younger women fairly quickly and lavish her with gifts and attention that they were never deemed worthy of receiving.

I think it's pretty typical for parents of young dc to not have much one to one time together. I have a 5 and 1 yo and we've never gone on date nights - the youngest is too unsettled at bedtime and I don't feel comfortable leaving her with a babysitter.

DH and I do spend a lot of time on our phones on the sofa in the evenings - it's our way of catching up with things and unwinding. So that in itself shouldn't be a problem. We do make an effort to chat though, although not every night. We aren't big on texting either and only really send each other functional/practical texts through the day.

However we do spend weekends together as a family and that is really important to us to bond as a family - I'd hate to be parenting solo during weekends. Although if your DP has to work then I guess it's unavoidable. We do make the effort to make weekend activities fun and we do different family-focused trips out rather than chores and errands, which keeps it special.

All the time. We speak on deep levels, we laugh and joke together, we say we love each other, gaze into each others eyes. We hug, kiss, talk about places we want to go, things we want to do.
We play games together.
We do this every day.

Together 9 years, married for 3.

What you have isn't love. It isn't even a friendship is it? Friends talk and go out together, they listen to each other.

You two don't do any of those things.

I'd tell him it's over and kick him out

We spend quite a lot of time together (been together 28 years). Always in the evenings a few hours before bed maybe playing a game, watching something together or even snuggled on the couch just me reading a book while DH watches football.

We go to the gym together a few times a week, pub quizzes, walks and hikes at the weekend or out for dinner and a film / play sometimes. I think my favourite is just lying in bed together just chatting, having a giggle and a cuddle.

I'm not sure if it's normal but yes, this is like my relationship. It might sound a bit boring but I just think it's realistic. When you live together you don't really feel the need to text and chat all day. Or go on dates really. The romance wouldn't be there so what's the point. I'd rather go out with a friend, or text a friend to chat if I was feeling down. But I wouldnt rather live with and raise a family with my friend. I don't think one person can be everything.

I hope you hung yours and the kids’ washing up and left his in the basket. And left his water bottle empty.

If mine spoke to me like that, he knows that is what would happen.

Tine to get tough and demand respect.

I also hope you left his highness’s hot water bottle empty. He is that selfish and self absorbed. He also has no respect or care for you whatsoever. Time to get tough and get on with the process of parting ways now.

Would you want your children (who in all likelihood also have his surname rather than yours) to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not, you would want better for them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home between your parents?.