Toxic Relationship ending, help, where do I go from here?

[Socksnsandals]

Haven’t posted on mumsnet yet but have been following threads of this nature for the last few months, seeking answers and some sense of clarity regarding my situation. I’m using OH to describe my current partner although have stopped referring to him this way in RL (new here and not quite au fait with the abbreviations.) this is a very long post. In a nutshell, my relationship is on the verge of ending and has destroyed my mental health. Where do I go from here?

I have been with OH for 6 years now and we have a 17 month girl together who is the light of both our lives. Myself and OH had a wonderful first two years or so together (getting eachother through lockdown in a city which we both moved to from other parts of the UK) and overall I felt happy and fairly secure. There were issues around how OH spoke to me which were troubling however. Rude, snappy and nitpicky at times. But, him having had a run of bad relationships before ours, OH linked this behaviour with exes and started therapy soon after we got together to work on this and other issues. He still attends the therapy however the issues mentioned above have not improved.

fast forward to the birth of our child which was planned and something we both wanted and believed was very much the right thing for us…our relationship has been tested in a huge way and the small cracks which were there around language, nitpicking and other things have slowly poisoned our situation. The lack of sleep, anxiety around being a new parent and issues around his overbearing and controlling MIL (a severe and separate issue) combined meant we basically became colleagues and major resentment has set in with him calling me a c*t being one of the low points. And me telling to f*k off and calling him weak amongst other things.

for months, we have been in horrible cycles of small, loaded comments which spiral into horrible, nasty arguments. We eventually ‘make up’ to some extent and are able to be civil and work as a team to look after our daughter. We attended a block of couples counselling and it helped to unlock some habitual behaviour associated with these fights, but it feels as though there is something fundamental stopping this from working, which the counselling couldn’t have helped. I have felt physical unease when in his presence. As if walking on eggshells at all times over the last 6/7 months. This feeling never leaves and sometimes makes me feel so depressed I can barely stand up or get our of bed. I’m sure OH feels the same way. A few months back I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and was able to get a course of talking therapy on the NHS which was extremely beneficial for me and where it dawned on me how much shit I have been putting up with from OH. How much aggression, gaslighting, manipulation was going on. I dont think I was able to get any sense of clarity/reality being so stuck in the situation. My talking therapy was a life saver and is what triggered the thoughts of wanting to leave the relationship, with my daughters wellbeing and future being my priority.

for a long time now, every bone in my body has been telling me this relationship is over. That we are now flogging a dead horse. the thought of being in this relationship in a few years time makes me feel trapped and suffocated. The thing is I have NO idea what I would do about the baby. I do not think I could deal with being apart from her for any extended amount of time and would want her dad to have equality in looking after her (he would want this and is an amazing dad.) I dont know where I would live (we rent at the moment in a nice house but the rental Market is just so appallingly expensive but I wouldn’t feel at this age (35) and with a baby I could comfortably house share. I have family who support me well but do not live in this country. All of the above (the practical realities of leaving) are so sad and scary to me and are probably the sole reason I am still here. Which makes me feel trapped and resentful, which of course manifests with getting easily irritated at OH, and an inability to want to be intimate with him in anyway.

OH does not want to break up. Keeps telling me I am ‘not trying.’ He pushes for intimacy and makes it clear how disappointed he feels when I reject sex. Which in turn is horrible and makes me feel extremely guilty. Often ends in a fight. He is very unhappy and frequently tells me how terrible his self esteem is due to me rejecting him. He wants to be closer To me but the nitpicking , rudeness and general way he behaves make it very hard for me to respect him. He also lied to me about his drug use on several occasions when DD was much younger which very Nearly ended things and which has influenced my ability to fully trust him. Having said that, OH has actually been working on this issue loads and I would say on the very important stuff, I do now totally trust him. He just has a strange capacity for white lies about himself to avoid ‘trouble.’/ confrontation.

last night I got home from a very busy day at my job, exhausted. OH and me worked to put DD to bed and once she was down he said I’m off to watch trash on tv where he sat in a separate room, just staring at his phone. Neither of us asked how we were let alone had any kind of attempt at quality time together. It was a moment where I stopped and realised how profoundly lonely, sad and broken this feels. I’ve been crying on and off since then and have basically had a conversation this afternoon about breaking up (second time I’ll have done it.) He has reacted with anger (telling me he’s ‘pissed off’) and telling me how shit I have made him feel. Self depreciating comments like ‘I must just be a terrible human then’ saying what a waste this all has been. The way he’s being and the things he’s saying are affirming my decision to be honest. I guess I’m sharing this to share my story, to seek guidance on whether a break up is the best option for my daughter and me , how to avoid chickening out and going back for short term ease and to get some advice on where I can go from here practically…. Thanks for reading.

It sounds frustrating and toxic. Get your ducks in a row and get out. Your MH will thank you for it.

@Socksnsandals

Stop talking. You know how you feel and that you want out. It's not necessary for you to convince him that it's the 'right thing' for both of you. It's right for you and that's enough. So no more 'conversations', no more arguments. Don't react to his nitpicking or nasty comments. Walk away and concentrate on your future without him.

Start acting. Get your ducks in a row, figure your finances. Do you earn enough to support yourself and DD? How much CM (if any) will he have to pay? It's always best to be able to make your basic expenses without it if you can. I'm assuming you don't own/pay mortgage so start looking at rentals and figure what your monthly expenses/budget will be. Remember that at 17 months DD doesn't need her own bedroom if a two bed would be 'out of budget'. You can make do with 1 bed or even a large-ish studio for a bit, just to get out. If you can move in with your parents or a sibling/friend for a bit, that can get you out even sooner. Look around where you are now. What do you want to take with you? Keep it simple and light. Stuff is stuff and you can always get more later. Try to think about what you'd like as far as child access for him. Not to say you'll get the 'last word' but it's good to have something in your head to start with.

Tell someone. Find a friend or relative that you can trust to keep your confidence and tell them you want out and are planning to leave. Ask for their support. I don't mean financial, I mean emotional support and a shoulder to lean on. That can work wonders.

You deserve to be happy and you are not happy now. If you feel your MH is suffering, try to access counseling even before you leave. It can give you courage and strength.

Good Luck.

Thank you @DustyLee123 , I really appreciate this. You are right re MH. I’m

@AcrossthePond55 thank you. Sorting the practical things was just too scary up until now but I do believe when we make a leap of faith of some kind, life usually offers some kind of solution. I’m looking at rental options. Family live in a different country and Would absolutely be staying with them if i had the option. Parents extremely supportive , I know they will do whatever they can to support practically and emotionally. Have a few good friends who are aware of my situation as well as my family. Although it’s hard for them to advise as they have never been in a situation like this, they are always available to listen. So grateful for that. It’s impossible to put on a front to everyone. Thank you for the advice - I am reading over to remind me to remain strong. OH has not taken this well and is very pissed off , resentful and angry (his own words.) following advice to not engage with this as I cannot do anymore fighting.

@Socksnsandals

I do believe when we make a leap of faith of some kind, life usually offers some kind of solution.

I absolutely believe this too! I've never decided if it's God/Fate or just that our 'fear blinders' drop away. I guess the 'why and what' is not important in the long run.

I'm so glad you have a good support system. That's so important. Knowing we have people behind us to lean on empowers us to be 'Superwoman' when we need to be.

Totally, no 'discussions'. Save your breath to cool your porridge, right? My advice is to say "Not discussing this anymore, my decision is final" and walk away, but if you have one that follows you around and keeps yakking at you all you can do is be silent and let them blather on. Eventually they get tired of not getting a reaction from you and they quit.

I originally memorized the poem "Jabberwocky" to use to distract my brain on nights when my head was spinning but I discovered it also worked to 'tune out' the yakking. AirPods work too, lol, but that can be a little PA and sometimes makes them angry. If you're silent they think you're hearing them, but in reality all you hear is a buzzing sound, like a mosquito in a dark room.

How are you doing, OP? What did you do?

@Mmhmmn thanks so much for asking and checking in on me. It’s strange to read this back several months down the line but it’s also valuable to reflect. This has been a shit show but the good news is I followed through on my decision and got out of the relationship.

For financial reasons, we had to continue living together however for five months or so and I’m only just in my own place (as of about 3 weeks.) the way he behaved in those 5 months continually affirmed my decision. He was an utter , utter bully. And he threw his toys out of the pram in a spectacular way. Months of toxic, emotional abuse. I now see him for who he really is and after a few months in felt it was necessary to record every single one of our interactions on my phone ( he was unaware.) this was a lifesaver because it put me in ‘observer’ mode which meant I was less likely to get triggered and challange him (he was continually seeking attention through conflict . All the hall makes of a Massive narcissist. ) it also reminded me that, despite what he was telling me, his behaviour was completely toxic and unacceptable. Luckily throughout all of the above, I had amazing emotional and practical support from my family and friends. I am so blown away and Grateful for this.

i Am now on my own and we’re working on a schedule. First day he had her , he dropped Her back 30mins early becauee ‘he didn’t know what To do with her’ - I’m going the lion share of child care despite him saying he wanted her 50% of the time.
im not surprised and don’t think he has the capacity to support a child. being away from my daughter is hard. I feel guilty but at the same time I am so unbelievably exhausted, the nights to myself are a godsend in a way because I can catch up on rest which I am in need of. It’s been a whirl wind. I need to get therapy and will do soon. It’s a mess but it’s the right path. I am so fucking proud of myself For getting out and I’m trying to be kind to myself and avoid too much self blame / shame. taking each day as it comes. The experience has been eye opening and shed light on common but toxic dynamics within Heteronormal relationships the inherent power imbalance there sometimes is…the unwritten assumptions men expect of their female partners.

anywho. We soldier on. I’m appreciating the positives. No longer living in fight or flight mode which I had to do for ages. Things are getting lighter by the day as I process the extent of the emotional abuse I went into (whcih I can see I downplayed in my original post.)

Thanks again for the check in , I wish you well. Xxx

Was helpful to read this OP, as I'm navigating coming out of a toxic situationship with someone. I hope you're still making leaps and bounds in your life today. :)