Anyway that's all another story
It isn't, you know. It's time for 'Project Notgettinganyyouger23', starting today, emergency-style. This stops being about him, your feelings for him, his feelings about you, your break up, your relationship, all that external shit.
It starts being your project, to make your life as you want it, as much as you possibly can.
When we turn 18, we are deemed to be responsible for ourselves, and that means not that we don't need to be parented anymore, but that we are capable of parenting ourselves. And we parent ourselves (guess what?) in the way of parenting that's been demonstrated to us, as we were growing up. So, you've got your heart inside you, saying 'The way this man is making me feel is destroying me', and all through your childhood, and all through your previous relationship (and perhaps relationships before?) that's what you've chosen, as a way to parent yourself. It's your comfort zone. I know it's not comfortable, I've done it. But it is 'the devil you know'. Your heart is familiar with shutting herself up, for the greater good: not provoking the devil-you-know.
So now you have a situation where you know with your heart that something is wrong, but when you want to do something about it, your mind is conditioned through years of practice, to say 'Shut up, heart! You're an idiot if you choose to speak about this!', and that's where your embarrassment comes from. BUT, now, you are free. Your heart can finally speak to you unfettered, and you can finally listen to and respect her. You are still stuck in the 'Shut up, heart!' habit, and that habit will continue to cause you damage until you break it. You will continue to allow people and situations to hurt you. You will continue to stick around and hope for love, in situations that are unhealthy for you.
So. Today is your day. What does your heart wish for? Look forwards, not back. Wishing that xyz never happened is fruitless. What do you want your life to look like? Make a big list of everything, excluding anything to do with relationships. Want to read all the Booker Prize winners? Skydive? Fill your freezer with batch meals? Get a qualification in Italian? Go clubbing? Become an artist? Think of all the things you've always wanted to do. And then take one step towards one of them, today. Follow your heart; you have always had her down as a pesky interference, but she is your leader, and you might be feeling shitty, but she's fine. She has spoken, and you have respected her voice. You have taken such an enormous and powerful step to do that, and if you want to be happy, that's the only thing you need to keep doing: listen to what she tells you.