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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finally ended it but feel at rock bottom.

17 replies

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 20/01/2024 14:57

I've posted on here before about my cheating partner and everyone was so supportive. I didn't end it, we limped through Christmas etc. I was working away last week, he was off Monday and I just knew he had seen the woman again. It all came to a head last night, I'd been stressing all week. I can't say it was my finest moment but I said what I felt and left. He tried to make out I was irrational etc but that doesn't really matter. I am resolved not to get in touch but my self confidence is on the floor and I feel desperately sad. Not sure how I'm going to get through this tbh.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 20/01/2024 15:01

Instead of beating yourself up you could try patting your self on the back.
This man showed zero respect for you.
Good riddance to bad rubbish as my Gran used to say x

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/01/2024 15:04

Well done you!! This is the worst bit, you'll feel so much better in the long run.

Watchkeys · 20/01/2024 15:14

Your feelings are not deceiving you: not now, not ever. You are, indeed, at rock bottom. This is the bit where you have to be really really nice to yourself; loving, kind, indulgent, affectionate... all the things a perfect partner would do for you now, do them for yourself.

You don't know how to be on your own, and it feels shit. But you're going to learn, and if you're lovely to yourself along the way, you'll end up feeling like wherever you go, however tough things are, there's always someone who'll be sweet to you: you.

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 20/01/2024 15:28

Thanks all, that's lovely advice @Watchkeys
I'm just embarrassed about myself at the moment. I've put on weight, whilst people think I'm confident I'm generally feeling horrendous on the inside. I don't know how I let this go on for so long just destroying me and hoping he would realise I'm okay.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 20/01/2024 15:51

Well done for taking control! From now on you can only move forwards and every decision you take from today will be in your own best interests.
Please don't feel embarrassed, it doesn't matter what others think, instead feel proud of yourself that you have made this first positive step towards your future which will be a lot happier now you have freed yourself from your cheating ex. Block him on everything as he may well try to persuade you to change your mind.

Winter3000 · 20/01/2024 16:06

Well done.
Stay well away from him.
The only way is up.

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/01/2024 16:15

I admire you for doing the right thing!

Congratulations! You're free of the cheating bastard FlowersCake

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 20/01/2024 16:17

Oh he won't try and get back together, he is way to stubborn. Plus he will go head first into seeing his ex again. She's homeless in a half way house so will be doing everything she can to get him back do she has somewhere to stay no doubt

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 20/01/2024 16:43

OP, you are so well rid of him. But don't be too sure that he won't try to get in touch so keep him blocked just in case. In any case no contact is best to give you a chance to recover and to stay resolute. Wishing you all the best.

annaT2122 · 20/01/2024 17:23

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 20/01/2024 14:57

I've posted on here before about my cheating partner and everyone was so supportive. I didn't end it, we limped through Christmas etc. I was working away last week, he was off Monday and I just knew he had seen the woman again. It all came to a head last night, I'd been stressing all week. I can't say it was my finest moment but I said what I felt and left. He tried to make out I was irrational etc but that doesn't really matter. I am resolved not to get in touch but my self confidence is on the floor and I feel desperately sad. Not sure how I'm going to get through this tbh.

Stay strong, you did the right thing x

Watchkeys · 20/01/2024 22:24

I'm just embarrassed about myself at the moment

See, this is the thought process that's damaging. Imagine saying to your best friend, when they were at rock bottom 'You should be embarrassed about yourself... your weight, how long you let that all go on... so embarrassing...'

How mean is that? You're not being lovely to yourself at all. What's wrong with 'Gosh, you were having such a hard time, there's no wonder you put a few pounds on, you poor thing', or 'He was really hurting you, wasn't he? No wonder you couldn't see your way out very easily'

Where did you learn to invalidate yourself like this? It's usually to do with our parents... were your feelings nurtured and respected when you were little?

What's happening to you now is about you, not him, not the relationship. And that's good, because that means that you're in charge, and you can find the solution.

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 20/01/2024 23:14

Thank you for your kind words. Yes it probably does stem from my childhood. I was in care as a very young child due to abuse. I can't remember this but read my hospital notes waiting for a routine operation. I never knew my dad and my step dad was awful. The person I call dad now is amazing but didn't come into my life until I was 15. Anyway that's all another story. I've been out with some wonderful friends who have been wonderful tonight so that's been lovely. Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 20/01/2024 23:19

I’m glad you had a good time with friends today, OP. You deserve it. Keep on being kind to yourself, you’ve made an excellent move and good things are on their way to you.

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/01/2024 23:22

Watchkeys is right
this IS rock Bottom and your healing and heartbreak 💔 are going to hurt
I can’t polish a turd

really look after yourself and your mental health

I know it’s such a fucking cliche but life without a cheater and that anxiety will feel sweet again

look after yourself please

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/01/2024 23:25

However you have done it !

and even tho you think/feel at rock bottom, the only way is up !

Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being so strong and dealing with the situation.

Watchkeys · 21/01/2024 07:56

Anyway that's all another story

It isn't, you know. It's time for 'Project Notgettinganyyouger23', starting today, emergency-style. This stops being about him, your feelings for him, his feelings about you, your break up, your relationship, all that external shit.

It starts being your project, to make your life as you want it, as much as you possibly can.

When we turn 18, we are deemed to be responsible for ourselves, and that means not that we don't need to be parented anymore, but that we are capable of parenting ourselves. And we parent ourselves (guess what?) in the way of parenting that's been demonstrated to us, as we were growing up. So, you've got your heart inside you, saying 'The way this man is making me feel is destroying me', and all through your childhood, and all through your previous relationship (and perhaps relationships before?) that's what you've chosen, as a way to parent yourself. It's your comfort zone. I know it's not comfortable, I've done it. But it is 'the devil you know'. Your heart is familiar with shutting herself up, for the greater good: not provoking the devil-you-know.

So now you have a situation where you know with your heart that something is wrong, but when you want to do something about it, your mind is conditioned through years of practice, to say 'Shut up, heart! You're an idiot if you choose to speak about this!', and that's where your embarrassment comes from. BUT, now, you are free. Your heart can finally speak to you unfettered, and you can finally listen to and respect her. You are still stuck in the 'Shut up, heart!' habit, and that habit will continue to cause you damage until you break it. You will continue to allow people and situations to hurt you. You will continue to stick around and hope for love, in situations that are unhealthy for you.

So. Today is your day. What does your heart wish for? Look forwards, not back. Wishing that xyz never happened is fruitless. What do you want your life to look like? Make a big list of everything, excluding anything to do with relationships. Want to read all the Booker Prize winners? Skydive? Fill your freezer with batch meals? Get a qualification in Italian? Go clubbing? Become an artist? Think of all the things you've always wanted to do. And then take one step towards one of them, today. Follow your heart; you have always had her down as a pesky interference, but she is your leader, and you might be feeling shitty, but she's fine. She has spoken, and you have respected her voice. You have taken such an enormous and powerful step to do that, and if you want to be happy, that's the only thing you need to keep doing: listen to what she tells you.

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 21/01/2024 11:11

Yes you're right, I really need to take some time to focus on my life and what I want.

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