Struggling with a healthy relationship after an abusive marriage

[Muffin777]

Nearly 3 years out of an abusive marriage, thankfully no DC but had to give up almost everything to escape. He wouldn’t let me work, but I’m now in a new career. I wouldn’t say my life is completely rebuilt, but getting there.

I’ve recently started seeing someone new and there are no red flags. He’s kind, consistent, generous with time and money, affectionate. Competent. Plans things. Sex is really good. We have good banter. It’s light and fun. He seems totally sure about me. In short, no issues so far although it’s still relatively early days. The problem is I just feel like something is wrong? Or missing? I don’t know.

I’m usually very intuitive and because there is literally no reason for me to be feeling like this, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m so unused to a healthy relationship? I’ve never had one. Even before my exH my boyfriends were shit.

I’ve done an insane amount of healing in the last couple of years, but now I suddenly feel unsure of myself again because I’m just not used to it.

Has anyone felt the same going from an abusive relationship to a healthy one? Did it take a long time to trust it? I’m worried feeling like this means it isn’t right but I don’t know why. And just annoyed I’m questioning it so much when I should just be enjoying it.

I'm nearly a year into a healthy realtionship after an abusive one (years ago!) I think I've been the same as you, finding it strange that there are no issues, which I think can be normal after an abusive one. I know that it's healthy because if I bring up any concerns with him, he's completely reassuring and sensitive to the fact I had a tough time in the past.

Maybe what you're finding wrong or missing with it is that there are no red flags and you're looking for them. I was like this but as time went on I adjusted and accepted that there are men out there who are decent and my looking for flags eased off. I've found the whole thing so refreshing and completely satisfying.

I've had lots of moments of thinking 'is this too good to be true' kind of thing. But now I'm feeling more relaxed about it all.

I think it's good you did a lot of healing. I had counselling (years after my abusive relationship) and it really helped.

The main this is, do his intentions match up, does he make promises that he keeps, intends to make you happy and does, actions speak louder than words etc?

Enjoy .

Thank you. Congratulations - I know how tough it can be to leave!

I haven’t told him much about my previous relationship. He knew I was married, and I had to leave quite suddenly and was left in a tough situation financially, but not more than that yet. I guess I’m worried he might see me differently. I’ve definitely found that people can often find it hard to deal with.

I'm lucky enough not to have been in this situation, but I wonder if what you are missing is the adrenaline/angst or whatever of a relationship that is unpredictable and a bit scary? It would be easy to mistake that for excitement, so normal relationships might seem boring in some ways

Yeah so with my exH I always knew I didn’t love him. I was practically trapped for various reasons, but emotionally it wasn’t hard to move on from.

I had a relationship with a guy shortly afterwards that totally ruined me. He was emotionally unavailable for most of the time but I fell for him hard. Took me nearly two years to get over. But the connection was unreal.

so I guess maybe I’m finding it weird that this new guy is present and available and I find that too ‘easy’ in a way, even though I appreciate it and I enjoy the peace. It just feels like I missed a step! 😅

Thank you! Yes it is, especially with young children involved, but we're all much better off and the best decision I've made.

How long have you been with him? I know what you mean, he doesn't need to know and tell him what you're comfortable with. If he's genuine he'll understand. I told mine very little to begin with, then stuff came out in dribs and drabs, mostly during related topics anyway and he was amazing. He's atonished at the things my ex did but very supportive, some of the things still affect me now, including financial things.

Like you I had a similar relationship shortly after my abusive ex. Connection was unreal but I had rose tinted glasses on and it was definitely a rebound one. I stayed single mostly for years after this, which enabled me to be ready for this one.

See it as a positive. Does he excite you as well as being safe? Do you have a great connection?

So only a couple of months so far, so early days but it feels like longer, in a good way. It just felt easy from the beginning.

and yes I agree it’s sensible to not overshare too early. I always worry that what happened to me reflects badly on me. I’ve also been left dealing with the after effects so life hasn’t been straightforward for me for a few years.

I wouldn’t say we had a really deep kind of ‘soul’ connection that I thought it felt with my previous ex (not husband). But it’s fun and light and we find it easy being in each other’s company. Never run out if things to say. The sex is really good. I do feel safe with him, and I look forward to seeing him, though again, not ‘excited’ as I have been previously.

I don’t know I guess I’m just used to things being more ‘intense’ but I know that’s probably because things felt unsafe.

So, I think you're a few months behind me then in regards to the stage of your relationship. It's good that you find things easy with him, this is what I found really refreshing with my boyfriend.

I agree that it can reflect badly on you and it's difficult to know when/how they'll be ready to hear things, maybe just play that by ear.

All sounds good to me. Better to feel safe than be into someone that doesn't seem right for you.

See how you go, he could be Mr Right.