How to break up with my sexually abusive husband

[mapletree123]

Hi all

I'm 35 and been with my husband for 16 years (1.5yrs married)

We have 3 young children and a home together.

I need to leave him. I've known for years but never had the courage.

He is sexually coercing me into doing things I don't want to do (not to my body but to his). I feel degraded and slightly cry afterwards.

He makes me feel bad saying it's his only outlet as he has a super stressful job. If I don't do this sexual act he goes into a depression which I cannot handle with 3 children.

This has been going on for years and I've just accepted it to stop the arguments.

I have told him many times I don't like it and he seems quite happy for me to still do it.

I know the obvious answer is just 'well don't do it' but you don't know the uproar this has. I've done that before and the 20 minutes of this act is worth not getting into that.

However I'm now so miserable. I cannot stand him, he doesn't love me, clearly, and I do not love him.

Other than this he is a decent person, cooks, cleans, looks after the kids and is quite funny!

But I can't go on like this anymore.

So my question is, how do I start the breaking up process? I don't want to spring it on him because that's not fair.

I've been with him since I was 19 so I have no idea what to do. I feel I have wasted my prime years in a relationship I've never liked 😔

That sounds so awful. Nobody should be coerced into sexual acts they don’t want. How are you financially? Do you work? Do you own house? I’d try and sort out the most important things first. I’d then sit him down and say you are done. He doesn’t care that you aren’t happy as long as he is. Fuck that. You deserve more than that.

No relationship should make anyone permanently miserable.

I disagree with those who say “no one should ever do anything they don’t want to”. My DH would probably rather not clean or take our DD to school. Likewise, in the bedroom, I’ve probably been quite vocal on making my DH give me massages and perhaps spend more time pleasuring me than he otherwise would. However, there’s a big difference between the usual “give and take” of a good relationship, and something making you as unhappy as you are.

I think breaking up with him is just the first step and contacting the police is step 2. What he has done illegal and I’m so sorry you’ve been through this.

Please don’t stress about his feelings when breaking up because he clearly doesn’t care about yours.

From someone who has recently left a long term miserable relationship with two young children...

Firstly, I really do get it, sometimes it feels easier to stay, and to put up with the behaviour.

And it is hard- but nothing can be worse than living like this forever.

Things to consider- where will he live / you live
What are you entitled to... I was surprised I could make a universal credit claim for the first 6 months post separation. There's a great website:

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Also check here for what maintenance he would have to pay:

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

My top advice would be to slowly start building a real life support system if you can.
Before the separation I reached out to friends and family, ensured I had reliable supportive childcare in place, I even hired a cleaner and someone to do my washing to give me time to process the separation (obviously can no longer afford this but if helped me through the run up)

When you have made your decision you can put everything in place before you tell him.

He won't make it easy. He might be sad and sorry or nasty and make threats- just remember what bought you here. Today. To this forum looking for the support of strangers when life got too much,

This place is full of wonderful, strong, brave women and we all support you because you are too.

Sending so much love and strength to you op xx

This is really helpful thank you.

Your post got me teary!

I reached out to my best friend who knows our history but I had never ever told her about the sex stuff before. She has been so supportive.

You're right, I need to get the right support in place first. I need to tell my parents but I always find it hard to talk to them! But they're my only hope in having a roof over my head!

I have a job and own our house jointly

I have a part time job and we own our house jointly.

I have my parents which I can reply on , luckily but having to courage is so so hard

Having the courage is hard, I get that Mapletree - the things we put up with to keep the peace and avoid the stress of dealing with the uproar of an abusive partner can be extraordinary when looked at from the outside

For me sharing with friends, family, women on mumsnet really shone a light on how awful he was and it gave me the courage to stand up because it was HIM not me and I deserved more. And what i can tell you is the relief and happiness on the side is worth the uproar I promise you xx

It's good you married him in the end as been together a long time, that should all be considered in divorce finances.
I'm thinking maybe if you didn't do whatever he wants, then let him be in his depressive mood, it will actually be easier to keep the resolve to end it, rather than having him on best behaviour after giving in.
Just refuse and while he's being a shithead after, tell him your leaving because of his behaviour. Or, don't tell him at all, work behind the scenes with a solicitor, get your ducks in a row. You know him, so are the best to judge if he'd move out if asked. Consider family support and where would be best for you to live. Ideally he should move out while it gets sorted, but if you don't think he'd go maybe don't tell him until you are ready to go.