Why am I single?

[Totheright]

Just looking for a reality check I suppose.

I’m 27, in a well paid but stressful job, have my own place, car. I have good friends. I don’t use social media. I’m reasonably attractive - I’m not super confident and can be insecure about my looks but there’s nothing “wrong”. (Aside from being short!)

I have hit it off with people from work but it’s never developed into anything. Most of the men I find interesting are in relationships so off limits.

Any advice appreciated. I assume my problem is I don’t do much outside of work, or use social media, so I don’t really meet new people that often and time is just passing me by. Plus being insecure doesn’t help, that’s part of the reason why I avoid social media!

This could have been me at 27. I couldn't really identify what the problem was. I was pretty, extrovert without being confident, it left me confused.

If I could go back in time I'd recommend two things, do what you would do if you knew you were going to be single forever. Climb matchu pichu, change job, you're never too young unless you don't start now, do art classes, whatever YOU want to do with no intention of meeting men. I think if you DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO it makes you happy which draws people in.

and two - look in to therpay and a quick glance at attachment styles. I know that I used to feel a bit ''exposed'' if somebody was really genuinely interested in my thoughts, feelings, opinions. However unfortunately I did respond to lovebombing

Why have you never tried dating apps?

It can be hard work but if you want a relationship you owe it to yourself to put in the effort.

It seems to me like you aren't really putting the effort into finding a relationship? It won't happen by just going to work and sitting at home I'm afraid.

Dating apps are a good way to meet people and have fun, you need to put yourself out there!

I don’t think social media has anything to do with it, it doesn’t affect your personality, and I don’t think people meet new people on socials that often - do you mean dating sites? Maybe the lack of interests are off putting, sometimes people like to bond over things. Is there nothing you like doing socially?

I found myself single at your age after breaking up with my miserable sulky ex.
I relocated cities, I knew a couple of people a little bit as we had met at a conference or two but not well and I started a new job. I was the opposite and was never in, never said no to an invite . You need to work on why you are insecure, do you know why? I’m not asking you to share the reasons here it’s just can you work on them or do you need help to work out why. You may need therapy to work out why.

You get one life if you don’t go out then you are limiting the chance to meet someone. I don’t think being short is a disadvantage at all as a woman. My family are tiddly. I have had women relatives never get above 4ft 11, my sister being one of them, she is very outgoing and very chatty. All the women in my family are like that but we learnt from the best the social butterfly that was my Mother. What sort of childhood did you have and what was seen as acceptable behaviour.

My MIL was raised to be very ladylike its affected her whole life. She wants to appear dainty and has a persona that seems very fragile in a need smelling salts sort of way. Many people underestimate just how influential their childhoods are. My Mum, now passed and MIL together were not a good pairing. Both very much products of their upbringings.

My first thought at your "why am I single" question, is that you are just lucky! Not helpful I know, but remember that single women are happier than married! Being a single woman isn't a failure. You are successful, happy, young, and sociable. If its right for you then it'll just happen.

OP you sound fine to me, you're living your life and i'd encourage you to keep doing that.

You won't meet many prospective partners without getting out and about a bit more though.

One thing that stood out to me in your post was the second paragraph. Did you mention the car, job etc. because thats what you are looking for in a partner? I'm not sure the right men would be especially attracted to you having a good job, your own place, car but perhaps the wrong ones might be.

As you say you don't do much outside work , what is it you actually do ?

A ) if it's something like , go to work , go home , eat , watch tv , go to bed

B ) Go to work , go home , eat , phone a friend , visit family / friend , go home , sleep.

Then it will be hard to meet anyone , you need to prioritise getting out to meet people,
maybe join a gym , a walking social group , evening classes with a mixed group of people , ask friends to introduce you to singles they know etc etc .

Do you have unattached girlfriends that you can go out and about with? Also any hobbies where you might meet someone? If you are not doing online dating ( if that's what you mean by social media) then give it a try as that seems to be where most people meet their partners.

Do you actually want a partner, OP? and if so, why? I’m not asking you to respond to these questions but they’re worth asking of yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with being single, even if it feels like everyone in your circle isn’t.

Get out there. Join clubs, if you live in a large town there will be all kinds of groups you could join, theatre groups dining out, professional females groups etc. The point is you have to get out there socially, not with the intention of meeting a partner just to go out socially. You will be surprised at who you might meet. I moved to a new town in my early 30s joined a group for single professional women and through that I met my partner. It happens when you are not looking for it! If you go on dating sites just be careful there are a lot of freaks out there

It’s hard to meet a potential partner without being out in bars etc (which isn’t for everyone) unless you’re open to online dating.

there’s nothing wrong with you for being single. It’s tough finding someone who’s worthy of being in your life as a partner and you’re still young, don’t fret.

it’s better to be single and happy and content than being with someone who isn’t right for you just because you don’t want to be alone.

try and remember that there is no “correct” way to do life and we’re all on different time lines.

so much great advice, thank you!

my social life has peaks and troughs, generally my friends have settled down so nights out are few and far between. I also have friends everywhere eg in my uni city, home city, matching schedules can be a pain

I grew up in a strict family, the type of family that would be really critical of how I dress or any interactions with boys growing up. I’m not sure how that impacts me now, other than I got used to having a double life almost as a teenager - but I moved out at 18 so it’s not super pertinent now

I mention my job because it’s a big reason why I’m not social. I’ve been really career focused. I travel for work and generally am a bit stressed so tend to go home and sleep! I also have a relatively good life in that I don’t worry about money too much. If I had social media, it would be easier to meet people.

I’m not sure what exactly I’m insecure about. I’m just really critical/wanting to look perfect almost. Takes me ages to decide on what profile photo to upload, let alone more regular photos of my day etc

No one is perfect and the people who may act like they are, probably aren’t happy deep down. The most liberating thing you can do is be happy in your true authentic self.

I had worn extensions for years and on my first date with my now fiancé I decided not to and it was so freeing. I decided that if he was going to be the one I didn’t need to be something I wasn’t and he would like me for what I truly was.

your life sounds pretty great career wise, so congrats. Try not to compare yourself to friends that have settled down because you never know what’s going on behind closed doors and they could be separated in years to come!

work on being your most happy authentic self alone and then someone will one day come along who deserves you snd the person you are.

I spent most of my life being insecure, especially through teens and my twenties, although I'm a guy. Now in my thirties and after being through a bad marriage and coming out the other side, still going through another nightmare, I no longer feel that way. Mainly through what I've been through but also therapy that has been undoing the damage.

There is nothing wrong with you, it will happen and being short certainly isn't a problem either. Take it from me, just be yourself and be proud of that. Don't change who you are for anyone thinking you need to in order to be seen or let anyone change you either. The right person will appreciate you for who you truly are, the ones that don't are the ones to avoid.

Interesting that your family kept your sense of yourself in a small place. I could have said this too. In fact, I played the part of daughter, rather than having an honest reciprocal communication with my mother and other family of origin members all joined in with the family super self (the family identify came before any individual sense of self). My mother would absolutely deny this and would be outraged, but any sense of my ''Self'' had to be compatible with her vision of me or I was being awkward/sensitive/emotional/dramatic. If I really tried hard to talk about things (so they could change?) I was labelled aggressive and detached from reality.

What would you do @Totheright if you felt you didn't have to answer to anybody? I know there are things that I would have done if my mother hadn't turned up her nose. I wanted to be a hairdresser at one point and she wrinkled up her nose. I felt dissuaded. Not a big deal I supposed. I stayed in office work. But I think it might have played to my strengths more than admin.............

Why do you think there has to be a reason? Why do you think that your traits have anything to do with the reason, if there is one?

because you need external validation. It's normal. But it keeps you confused. You don't know what you're doing because you want to be happy and what you're doing because you want to appear happy, and sometimes these two are intertwined because appearing happy does make you happy to a degree.

Have the courage to be disliked, at times. Not for being pointlessly egregious. But think about your own values, settle on your own values, and then act in alignment with those. Even if it might take you out of the popular kids' radar.

I know for me (example) having been excluded by one b1tch in an old job, I decided that I would never again be party to just taking the easy path and witnessing somebody else be excluded, even if I was enjoying being in the group, and felt safe in the group. It's about finding your own values and then getting comfort from within. Knowing ''I think I did the right thing in tricky circumstances'' can be more validating than knowing that people who don't know what really happened and don't know you might think about you (if they're thinking about you). Move that locus of validation inwards

Also, another parallel,

''I grew up in a strict family, the type of family that would be really critical of how I dress or any interactions with boys growing up. I’m not sure how that impacts me now, other than I got used to having a double life almost as a teenager - but I moved out at 18 so it’s not super pertinent now''

I think it's still relevant. Being aware of it is great but my mother would shame couples kissing as she drove past. Like literally mock them and shame them for being ridiculous. I would ignore two teenagers snogging at the bus stop but it really brought out her judgement. So, here's what I learnt as they say, *it's a shameful sign of weakness and a loss of decency and control to have feelings for anybody''. Therefore, I never ever ever revealed to a man that I liked him. I understood that making it (subtly) obvious that I had that type of feeling for a man was DISGRACEFUL. So I went through my 20s and 30s with that determination to buckle down any small clue that I liked a guy. So who approached me? Only guys who ignore boundaries. The kind of guys who actually don't care if you like them or not. They're just going to go in there anyway.

I read and listened to various books about shame (bradshaw, all of brene brown's books -bit similar but it's a good message so no harm if they're repetitive) My family was very normal on the outside but we all earned our place (ONLY) by being decent and agreeing with Mum

I'm not blaming my mother, but she underestimated the power she had to make me fear love, life and risk.