I fear my partner no longer loves me

[Khow25]

Hi all,

Support needed!!

My partner and I have two sons (9&6) we have been together for 13 years.

Our life has always felt like a struggle, money issues, not a lot of parent support, two boisterous boys with difficult behaviour. Couples with stressful work lives.

Intimacy has drifted over the last year but I so desperately want that to change. My partner is terrible at communicating and has never been overly affectionate.

Two weeks ago, I found Viagra tablets in his school bag. He certainly wasn't using them for me. He has a dodgy friend who he utterly swears gave them to him as they had been talking about lack of intimacy in our relationship. I have asked him another three times and he still says there is no one else.

My partner says he loves me but doesn't think our intimacy issues will change and feels we are like friends. I made a huge effort, wore nice lingerie and we did have sex. I wanted to show him I was serious and loved him. He however felt the sex was forced and that we should not have to work on being intimate, that in theory it should just happen.

I explained relationships have ups and downs, we need to be willing to work and he said he was not prepared to.

I am in agony and feel completely heartbroken. It is so difficult to carry on, especially with the children. My partner is making an effort to talk to me about my day, has offered to help by making tea but is still very distant and has not communicated anymore since our difficult conversation.

Any advice would be so welcomed. My boys would be so distraught but how can I love with someone who does not want the same as me? He is very stressed from his job and struggles with sleep. He is the most wonderful father, but as I say we have a lot of stress and always have.

I feel so lost!!!

He has told you how he feels - that you are friends and not lovers - so I am sorry but you have to believe him. Which makes me wonder why he needs the viagra having already checked out of your sexual relationship. It sounds like its over but you already know that. I dont know how you come back from things when someone says they see you as a friend and he isnt prepared to work on your relationship.

@Khow25 it sounds like he’s either emotionally checked out of the relationship or there’s someone else. Either way it’s not good. You can’t force someone to fall back in love with you if it’s not there. I sort of agree with him that you shouldn't have to force it, there’s definitely a difference between making the effort and having to force it. If he’s said he’s not prepared to work at it, then surely the next step is to discuss separation?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had the same play out with my ex partner. The fact he is now an ex being worth noting! If only one of you accepts working on a relationship is necessary when things get tough and is prepared to actually do anything about it you are heading only one way.

I don’t really have any advice other than if you get to the point as I did where you have no option but to end it (or he does), you should be able to say to yourself you tried everything you could and depart with your head held high. I was fortunate in that there was no cheating, only a withdrawal of affection and effort over time and increased distance, telling me in a thousand small indirect ways he had checked out.

Many on here have gone through much worse. But it’s agony when you can just tell the one you love no longer loves you and is just going through the motions. Just always take care of yourself and your little ones.

You found viagra in his bag but the two of you aren't having sex? Yeah he's seeing someone else. Sorry OP...

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but regardless of whatever is going on with the viagra he’s telling you he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to you anymore. I understand you wanting to work on things and save the marriage I really do. So often on these threads people are trying to bring back the sex and intimacy when their partner has made it clear they’re no longer attracted. That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive it means HE is not attracted anymore and that is his right to feel that way. It feels brutal, it’s very hard to accept and hurts a lot but you can’t change it. Trying to force the intimate side of things and try to persuade him to fancy you will end up making you feel 100 times worse in the end.

It’s easier said than done but the best thing is to let go of what you thought would be your future and accept what is. Move forward on the basis that it was his decision (he very well may end up regretting it but that’s his problem) and build your own life with the children and look forwards. If you want another relationship they’ll be other men who will appreciate you and make you feel loved and desired. Your husband is making it clear he isn’t that man.

OP, this must be so difficult for you

I honestly don't think your relationship with him is going to change.

Unless he is seeing another woman / other women and decides he wants to leave and have a relationship with someone else.

If he is content to stay in the relationship as it is, can you find a way to come to terms, emotionally and psychologically, with carrying on as you are?

If you can't, is separating an option? You say "partner" not "husband" so you would have to research what separation would mean in practical terms.

Your clearly love you DH and are prepared to go all out to work on getting the two of you on track. I can see why having tow DC.

He has shown you how he feels about you, and rarely a man will leave the partnership unless he has ether lined up someone else, or he has bee told to leave.

Ask yourself if why you are prepared to hand over your lifes happiness to someone who so callously has told you that he is not willing to add to your happiness by joining you in mending your marriage.

Sometimes DC act up, or become difficult due to the home environment, if there is atmosphere, or bickering or worse, emotional of physical abuse, this has major impact on the DC. I am not sure if this is the case but staying for the sake of the DC is a massive burden to carry as a child into adulthood, knowing they were the reason their DP stayed together.

I am sure your gut feeling is that the two of you are not on the same page, and clearly he has dismissed your request of mending things. That for me would be me getting my ducks in a row and make a life that has a bit of love and kindness in it. You are worth more

So he thinks he's made the wrong choice, he's fallen out of love and decided love only should flow one way and that's from you to him. Yet he doesn't want to receive this love anymore.

Ok, fair enough, he's told you the score, has he told you he wants to divorce or separate ? Doesn't sound like it, so it appears he wants you for some things, cooking, cleaning, looking after his kids etc whilst he does what ?

Goes to work, which he would being doing anyway if you were not together, sounds lovely.

He needs to understand that he cannot keep using you as a service human whilst he gets his kicks elsewhere, hugely disrespectful.

He needs to go, stop doing anything for him right now, go to a solicitors and find out what you are entitled to.

Maybe he'll figure out what he once loved about you once his consequences are implimented.

Fucking Viagra, he's not even a working adulterer, what an ungrateful bastard, I'm angry for you love.