Am I being too sensitive or should I cut them out?

[JuniperGem]

I hope this is the right place for this 🥺🙏

DH and I have some "couple friends" we have known awhile - actually I was originally friends with her as a child, but then we started hanging out as a four! - but recently I have felt like the odd one out and so rejected, because they both seem to like DH more now, in a very obvious way?

It makes me feel so hurt even though I don't think it is intentional. And I don't know if I should address it directly or if that would make it worse and make me more isolated from the group...?

To complicate things, it's not all the time. Like, last week we had a lot of fun together and I thought the behaviour had stopped, but then yesterday we hung out again and I felt so unimportant and like a fourth wheel again, and today I feel like crap reflecting on it. What should I do?

DH has noticed as well and is trying to subtly point out when I am talked over or include me more... I'm not sure what else we can do. They are supposed to be our closest friends, we see them every week and have been on holiday with them. I think part of the reason is they all have more similar jobs than I do.

But the straw on the camel's back, that made me want to write this post, was that they gave "us" a Christmas present yesterday that specifically had DH in mind, saying they picked it because thought "he would like it" (even though it's actually a lot more up my street than his!) Am I overreacting? It's not like that kind of thing alone is a big deal, but the little things are gnawing away at my self esteem when added up and just leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm making a huge effort to try to include myself but should I give up and should we start hanging out with them less? We are currently TTC and I feel it will isolate me even further when I stop working and they all continue, as they will have another thing more in common with each other than with me... should I start distancing from them now or tackle the issue head on? We were talking about planning another holiday together last week... I just want us all to be friends and it to feel balanced 😪

Over-reacting in what way? You haven't done anything except have feelings, have you?

The question really is 'Do you respect your feelings enough to to take care of them?'

Do you? Or do you just push them aside and say they're silly?

Gosh I get you OP.

Listen, you have every right to your feeling, and stop gaslighting yourself into believing that you do not. People can be so tactless and do "things" that is so morally bankrupt, if they are making you feel uncomfortable, sad and spoken over, I mean that alone would have me question them as friends, regardless of who met who first and or how long you have been friends. Lessening a friendship is a grieving process, its hard when you have history together and in the knowledge friendships are hard to come by these days.

If you have not already, talk with your DH, ask him if he is willing to bring this up next time you all get together and support you in this, going by what you have already written it sounds like he is noticing the behaviours, but is he willing to stand by you, even if it means loosing out on their friendship?

Are you prepared to stand up for you? Like when its happening, tell them seriously that you feel spoken over and quite frankly its rude. If they gaslight you and minimise or pretend they are unaware what you are on about, that alone should tell you how they feel about you, in no uncertain terms. If they are good friends, mature, then they will acknowledge you and your concerns and make attempts to include you in the future.

Stand by yourself, its good practice, no one will respect you if you just put up and shut up.

I'd completely avoid going on holiday with them, that's for sure.

I think that's a fair point.

OP, I do also think that you should about what you would like as an ideal outcome of any action you might choose to take.

Obviously, it would be nice if they valued your friendship as much as they do that of your DH, but you can't control other people's feelings and attractions, and friendships do change and fluctuate over time, especially in all the different personalities and combinations involved in a foursome -- it might simply be that they do in fact now prefer your DH.

DH and I have friends who got together as postgrad students at one of our parties in the late 1990s, and although we live in different countries now, we probably see one another four or five times a year, and have often gone on holidays together. While initially I was closer friends with the male half of the couple (we used to go hillwalking together), these days I'm probably closer to his wife, and I think DH is probably closer to both of them now than I am, because he sees them more often, though this may change again.

These are longtime, valued friends, and I'm happy for the friendships between the four individuals to ebb and flow periodically.

But no one in this dynamic is making me feel bad or uninteresting...

I suppose it comes down to what you want to happen?

Some people are wierd like this...I had couple friends years ago (old college friend and her husband) started hanging out as a 4 with an ex of mine and him and the husband got friendly.
After awhile, there were problems in my relationship and it turned out the ex had been cheating with multiple people behind my back.Told them this but they totally took his side, stayed in touch with him and offered no support to me.
Disconnected from them both after that, certainly not how loyal friends behave.

Can you just not meet up as a 4 anymore? Just in separate pairs.If that isn't possible maybe just pull away and decline meeting up, or be honest about the situation and their reaction will determine the course of the friendship.

Are they behaving in intentionally excluding ways with the aim of belittling you or making you feel bad or do they simply like your DH more than you? If it's the first then it is unacceptable. If it's the second then no one is doing anything wrong.

I'm confused by the gift. You say it was more your kind of thing but they bought it with him in mind. Could they have bought it with you in mind but said what they said so your dh wouldn't feel like it was gift more for you? How could it be more suitable for you if they bought it with him in mind?

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, I really appreciate it.

I think I'm going to see if it happens again (very likely) and be stronger about calling it out in the moment e.g. being talked over, while also trying to re-strengthen my friendship with them individually 1 on 1.

Then, if it keeps happening despite these actions I'll address my feelings directly, including some examples like the christmas gift (concert tickets by the way, where I knew the artist and DH didn't but they weren't aware that either of us did and, as I said, pitched it at DH). I really don't think they are making me feel discluded intentionally so hopefully they would apologise and change their behaviour at this point.

If it continues after addressing it directly and all else fails then we'll actively stop agreeing to meet up and seek other friendships! DH is fully with me but we don't want to ditch a friendship that has been and could still be a great one.

I went to see the new mean girls movie last night and it reinforced the idea that friendships should make you feel good about yourself! Which has given me even more conviction to act on this, alongside your advice messages - would recommend!

Xx