i wish they would all just go away. i dont know what to do. i feel sick.

[AnAngelWithin]

i am so pissed off with families its unbelievable.

to cut a long story short, a few years ago, my sister ran up a massive bill (£800+) in my name that she couldn't pay. I end up paying it (cos its in my name so i have to)even though DH just been made redundant and we are struggling as it is. mum took her side in it all then we all fell out and didn't speak for 6 months. we eventually started talking again. sister never apologised or offered to pay the money back. at the time she had recently been made a single mum so i guess money was tight but even so an apology wouldn't have hurt. anyway, now, shes fallen on her feet. Nice house, getting married next year etc. My mum is being kicked out of her house in April. She says shes broke, applied for all sort etc but not eligible. My sister has just text me saying she has finally managed to sort mum and her DH out, lending them £1000, telling her that shes got no choice but to accept it. otherwise she will be homeless. Its not about the money, even though it would be nice if she offered to pay me back some of it out of sheer kindness!! i just don't get why shes text me that other than to rub it in. she never texts me to just see how i am. its always cos she wants something or to brag about something. shes always going on about her wedding and how much money she's spent on it so far (£4,000 i think up to now) i'm supposed to be bridesmaid and my dc's flowergirls and page boys but tbh, i couldn't care less. i am trying so hard not to text something nasty back about the money and tell her to stick her wedding, but as ever, i cant cos its always me who keeps the peace and keeps her mouth shut so as not to upset anyone. mum is always moaning at me about her DH and lack of money. im trying so hard to sort something out for over easter for DHs family so we can all go out for dinner together as we never get invited anywhere 'because we have got kids' so im doing it to show them that we can go out with kids! but nobody seems bothered. its like im just not liked. i just dont know what to do. i am sat here crying my eyes out. am i really that horrible a person??

i rang an old school friend the other day. we had been friends since primary school, and i was fed up of waiting for her to return my call i made to her about 9 months ago. i tried to ring her numerous times between then and now, i only caught her in by chance that night i think. all of a sudden, shes got married and pg, and so full of herself. not once did she ask how i was. she gave me her mobile number and i said i would text her mine as i didn't have my phone on me at the time. So i text her the next morning. Not reply.

i am destined to be either miserable with my family and (very few) friends, or lonely without them

i have lost touch with so many friends. they just stop replying to my messages etc, stop sending christmas cards. even some friends i have made on here. they never seem to be on msn anymore, either that or they have blocked me i guess

Please try to be assertive about that money. It is poisoning your realtionship with your family. Write a letter, make a meeting with your sister and no witnesses and read it to her explaining how you feel.

Don't let your mother be used as a weapon in the war between you, you shouldn't be fighting over her, you are not toddlers.

i have done the letter thing. all i got was a nasty one back

Message withdrawn

I'm sure you're not that horrible. people sometimes don't text back.

re your sister and the money - why did your mum take her side, and what did she do? I'm guessing it wasn't as simple as simply saying "well it's her right to run up £800 in your name, live with it". I think there's either something you don't know, or somehting you're not saying.

also, have you asked your sister to give the money back? one of the tricks to relationships is telling people what you want/expect rather than waiting for them to offer/ask how you are.

i did demand it at the time. she refused. im not expecting it back now, but she just seems to enjoy rubbing my nose in it that shes now got money

I expect your friend is just busy and will reply soon.
She may even have accidentally deleted your message.
Why not send her a card with your contact details, and wishing her well with her pregnancy?

The issue with your sister needs sorting.

Ask her for the money back, give her a written schedule of payment, and if she doesn't keep to it, take further action.

Don't forget to charge interest, as I'm sure you were on the repayments.

It is outrageous that she fraudulently took money in your name, and even worse that she has never apologised or offered to pay it back.

Try and separate this issue from the wedding if you can.

But you do need to speak up - otherwise the money issue will eat away at you.

x-post.
Take her to the small claims court.
And maybe suggest to her that the police may be interested in the fraud she committed.

Its horrible when you feel bad about yourself and feel hard done by.

I don't want to upset you further but could it be you have lost friends because they think you're always unhappy? Some people have their own problems in life and find it difficult to carry others woes. Think hard about how you come across to people and maybe the answer is there.

As for your sister and the money, after all this time I would let it go - she knows she never paid you so thats on her conscience. If she can live with that, then its her problem.

im not always unhappy though. i am always the one here for them when they have problems and they dont seem to consider that maybe I have a lot on my plate at the time. then they dump me when they are ok again then come back when they are down. like im a bloody agony aunt!!

I understand where youre coming from as I have difficulties with my family too, heaven forbid I should actually try and explain how I feel, then its just me 'making a fuss over nothing' and 'being childish', so I dont get anywhere.

Would your mum and sister listen to what you have to say? I must admit that Ive learnt now (especially in the last week) that basically I can only rely on my own family - myself, dp and ds. Its a smack in the face to realise that but once its been realised you can get on with things.

I think if you dont try and speak to them/ try and let it go, then you will crack at some point. Some people really dont realise how selfish they are and how their actions affect others.

Your sister is obv excited about her wedding, and unfortunately some people find great pleasure in going on about how much things cost/how much theyve spent on something, seemingly under the illusion that more money = better. Dp has a friend like it, the first question out of his mouth is 'how much was that?' etc I find the best thing to do is ignore, if thats really what they think then more fool them! Try not to let it get to you.

The friend thing is difficult isnt it. 6 years ago I moved 250 miles from my home town, I was going through a hard time and wanted to pack up and start again. Even now sometimes I get upset at the 'friends' Ive left behind, but then I ask myself where were they when I was having such a hard time? Ive had a lot of fair weather friends, and those that only call you when they need help yet arent there when you need a hand. Its made it hard to make friends now and I see myself as someone not worth being friends with. I get incredibly lonely quite a lot of the time but Im learning to rely on myself first and foremost, and Im sure once Im happier within myself the rest will follow.

Unfortunately some friendships just dont last very long, it hurts but dont blame yourself - people change and thats no ones fault.

Bless you! NO you are NOT a horrible person!! Just sounds like you were born to the wrong family...

Your sister seems to be just slightly self centered... This bit is long...but does it ring any bells?

Typical traits of a narcissist

The following traits are commonly found in narcissists:

• The narcissist feels the need to have a lot of attention, adulation, admiration or subservience from others.
• The narcissist is preoccupied with himself/herself, his/her preferences, needs and aspirations and with his/her fantasies of unlimited success.
• The narcissist appears to be devoid of empathy (although it is sometimes suggested that the narcissist can, to some extent, empathise with other narcissists).
• The narcissist is inclined to lie or deceive.
• The narcissist often criticizes others, sometimes to the extent of damaging their reputation.
• The narcissist often behaves very differently in public situations from private situations (i.e. his or her public persona is very different from his or her private persona).

The public persona is typically very charming (perhaps designed to generate admiration) while the private persona can appear to be quite aggressive.
Most people only witness the public persona and do not see the private persona, and therefore have a very distorted perception of the narcissist's true character.

• A narcissist is generally an adult; between a half and three-quarters of narcissists are men, the rest being women.
• While a narcissist might criticize others the narcissist strongly dislikes to be criticized by others.
• While a narcissist might interrupt others in conversation the narcissist strongly dislikes to be interrupted by others.
• A narcissist feels entitled to special privileges.
• While a narcissist will often ask favours of others, he or she will feel no obligation to return favours and may strongly dislike it when others ask too many favours of the narcissist.
• A narcissist will often expect others to fit in with the narcissist's plans.

Some narcissists may try to modify the plans of others, but will often use charm to obtain the necessary consent to change their plans.
The narcissist reacts badly when any aspect of his/her freedom is threatened or when his/her plans are thwarted.

• Many narcissists will subject family members to his or her shouting and verbal abuse, and this is likely to include the narcissist shouting at and verbally abusing his or her children.

The shouting and verbal abuse will tend to be confined to private situations since public displays of this behavior could damage the narcissist's reputation, leading to loss of the adulation and admiration from others which the narcissist craves.

• A narcissist will often have a shifting morality.
• When a narcissist is interrupted, confronted or contradicted, he or she may suddenly develop narcissistic rage

In private situations this rage may be overt, but in public situations, the rage may be hidden (since the narcissist will be eager to protect his or her reputation and not reveal his or her aggressive side).

• A narcissist will often have a sense of time urgency or appear to be impatient.
• The narcissist can be emotionally abusive, indulging in behaviours such as gaslighting, sometimes even in public or semi-public situations.

Your mother siding with her is not right or okay. Past history repeating itself?

As for friendships, when you are brought up in an unhealthy family situation (big guess on my part there...) you attract people who represent the peers in your past. Ie your friend sounds a bit like your sister? Treats you about the same?

You can get through this try this thread. We are a group of mnetters who all have disfunctional families. Jump in and post when/if you want to, you don't have to read it all, (otherwise you will be waiting another few months to post!). Its just an ongoing (3rd thread now ) support thread. It can be lifechanging, which sounds like what you need right now... :}

anangelwithin - i have replied to your threads several times now - frankly i believe you to be a whinger, get a hold of yourself - stop worrying about everybody else and waht they have got (or not)

i feel you have a bit of a 'martyr' syndrome. if you really don't want to be an agony aunt for your family then don't do it!

fwiw - i too have suffered very deep depression, ulitmatley though, the only person who can help you is yourself!

ok thanks.

What a nasty post jesuswhatnext. I'd have thought someone who had suffered from depression might have had more compasion.

come on girl!!!!

buck yourself up a bit, it IS the best way forward

i'm truly not a 'hard person', just someone trying a differant tack to get you back on track!

as long as i dont post my problems on here then i will be ok hey? i am sorry if you think i am a martyr. maybe i just genuinely have more problems to deal with than most people can imagine. just not really having anyone to talk to in RL makes it hard. sorry

cracker - as someone who has suffered major depression i can tell you that having your brow constantly soothed is not always the best answer!

we are not always right in our assesment of any situation, be it family or work related, sometimes it can take a stranger looking in to see that you have totally missed a point etc.

i wish nothing but good things for anangelwithin but sometimes we have to take life by the balls and take control iyswim.

Yes i do realise that. However, I still think your post was uncalled for.

Frankly, jesusWhatNext, you appear to be trying to some kind of "cod-persona" (but without cod's kindness and common decency) mistakenly seeing it as your duty to go around the boards telling people to get a grip and not to whinge, not giving a stuff about how genuinely unhappy they feel. That's what that username is all about isn't it?

Do people a favour and keep your "advice" to yourself.

Angel, it's easy to feel the way you do once you get into that mindset. Today I too have even convinced myself that my "mumsnet friends" don't give a stuff about me.. and eventually realised that no they don't and to get over it! It harder when it's RL friends and family. Perhaps you could try having a calm conversation with your sister about the money explaining you don't want to cause trouble but that it's hard seeing her evidently being able to afford all sorts.. but never having had the offer of any kind of repayment for her debt to you.

my user name is one i chose when i wondered waht the hell else could happen in my life, i don't try to be anyone but me, i truly feel for angel, she seems very unhappy!!

so, chr, you may dissagree with my post but i meant it with good intentions - sometimes it DOES take someone to tell you to get a bit of a grip on yourself before life passes you by, which would be a crying shame for angel.

i wish her bloody good luck

The OP sounds v. low, perhaps even depressed. I'm not sure telling someone to, "Buck up a bit," is necessarily great advice.

Perhaps some advice on how to resolve the issues the OP has detailed would be more helpful?

And MN is great for whinging, ranting, moaning, groaning.. . . .. everyone does it.

Get that money back, Angel. It doesn't matter how long ago you lent it to your sister. At the very least, say to your sister that you are always willing to help out family when you can and slip in a, "Remember that £800 I lent you that time?"

Are you frightened of your sister at all? I'm just wondering why you're not standing up to her more and letting her walk over you.

Angel, please read my post again and see if it rings a bell. Your feelings are genuine, I believe your depression and frustration and distress with the situation. Its easy for people with less self awareness to think you are being a 'whinger' when actually its a heart breaking situation when you always end up sitting on your own needs to help others. Somthing your own family taught you to do for them...and you are still doing. Any anger and frustration or depression you may feel could be related to not being able to see yourself away from your family who are causing it. After all, our families should love us and care what we think and say? And if they don't that gives us a really negative message about ourselves "its like I'm just not liked, am I really that horrible a person". I could have said the same myself when in contact with my family and not realising how destructive it was to me, to be around them.

Don't let one post get you down. You have a right to be angry and upset. Look at all the other positives posts there are...maybe jesuswhatnext is echoing something your mother or sister would say to you and its hitting a sore point?

Please keep posting, you can and will change your situation if you keep getting help and support to move on from this.

allyxx