Struggling with widowed mother

[weareallcats]

My has been dead for almost 10 years - I am struggling to spend any time with my mother, as she is incredibly negative and draining - she sucks all the life out of any space she occupies. I feel really guilty, as I believe that she is like this because she has had a crap life - my dad was very dominating, distant and was financially abusive.

My mother is deeply depressed and is an alcoholic, but refuses to accept this, or seek any help. She has always only seen the negative in her life and would regularly get drunk and list all the terrible things that had happened to her (when I was very young too). She seems to think that the world has it in for her and never takes any action to make things better for herself. She is also deeply suspicious of anyone who is not white British and openly express racist views (including in front of my mixed race dh and dc…I honestly don’t think she even realises what she is doing, it is so deeply ingrained).

She has no friends and her brother has also recently died, leaving my sister and I as her only social connection - my sister also finds it very difficult to spend any time with her. She is likely ND (not an unfounded speculation as everyone in the next 2 generations has a diagnosis of ADHD, autism, or both). I think that she is unable to cope in the world, I feel desperately sorry for for, but I don’t like her and find her company very stressful.

My childhood was very strange and we don’t have a bond - my father was either not there or was an angry presence. She doesn’t want to change or to seek any professional help - she seems to enjoy wallowing, she is like a shell. There are signs of dementia. She has some traits of narcissism - I think I am the golden child and my sister is the scapegoat - I feel like she has me on a pedestal and my sister feels like she was always in my shadow, even though she has tried much harder than me to have a positive relationship with our parents (she has now given up). But it’s subtle - she thinks the world owes her and never seems to realise that she has to take charge of her own life, things don’t just happen. I can’t talk to her about anything - she doesn’t know anything about me, only the shining persona that she has created in her mind.

But she only has me - my sister has gone very low contact - and I feel that she is a very broken person, who is not actively malicious (although she is very toxic), and I can’t leave her to rot. It’s very difficult.

I’m afraid I would also go low contact as well, sorry to say and it’s easier said than done.

You aren't unreasonable to protect yourself from this. I think you need strong boundaries, set aside what time you feel able to spend with her and try not to have contact outside of it.

Thank you. It’s hard because she is complicated and so very broken. I remember the moment I realised I had no relationship with her - I had a miscarriage and I had the strongest, instinctive feeling that I could not tell her, despite talking openly with friends about it. On reflection I think I knew she’d say something dreadful and also add it to her list of terrible things that had happened to her. I can manage the lightest of small talk only - anything deeper quickly turns strange and toxic.

Its hard being the last one left who bothers with her (and you only do so because you have received the Special Training these dysfunctional parents give) but ultimately you cannot help anyone who does not want to help their own self, not even your mother. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and your sister and she chose the low road. The golden child role is one also not without price here and you're still paying. Narcissistic people as well tend to behave worse with age as all the authority figures they were afraid of have died off. Even if she was neurodiverse (and she has not been formally diagnosed) its still no reason or justification for the ways in which you and your sister amongst others have been treated by her. Toxic crap like your mother has pulled too often goes down the generations; it is likely her own parents treated her similarly as a child. There is good reason also disordered of thinking people like your mother do not have friends; they do not want them and they get pushed away.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Deal with any FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) you have regarding your mother through therapy. Help your own self instead of someone who does not want your help and or support. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Its not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. Her own family did that to her and there is likely also to be a litany of abuse present through her family line.

She does blame her parents for how she is. And my dad to some extent. I often wonder why she didn’t leave him.

I'm sorry this was your childhood and that you didn't get to have a closer relationship with your parents growing up. That must have been hard.

Your mother sounds like a huge burden on your mental health.
I think it would be good for you to read about things like parentification - if you haven't already - and maybe even get some counseling to help you see the family dynamics from a distance. That way you can make better decisions, which aren't fueled by guilt or a misplaced sense of responsibility.
I think you could benefit from seeing a Contextual therapist - someone who works with the view of Ivan Nagy. They have incredible insights in those family dynamics and could really help you see things more clearly.

Thank you all. It’s been quite cathartic to write it down. I think I sometimes don’t realise how shitty things were as I am very confident and resilient (supposed I had to be the latter…). I have fully rejected how I was brought up and actively try not to be like my parents while raising my own dc. I keep thinking if more and more examples of her odd behaviour, but it will make my most more and more outing!

Your mother sounds a lot like mine - minus the alcoholism and being widowed - my father left her for another woman when I was 21.

Apart from that the story is almost identical. I have two brothers, and as the only girl, growing up I was the 'golden child'. As @AttilaTheMeerkat has said, being in that position you do end up paying a price - I was supposed to follow in her footsteps, be more or less a clone of her, have children young, be a SAHM married to a wealthy man...and none of that happened. I didn't want children and I've been divorced twice. I know she's massively disappointed in me. My two brothers haven't had children, either.

She does blame her parents for how she is. And my dad to some extent. I often wonder why she didn’t leave him.

My mother is the same. The reason my mother didn't leave my father is because she is Catholic and she always put her marriage before her children. Our childhood was chaotic and very stressful. I'm 55 and for the last 5 years I've been treated for C-PTSD. I had a massive breakdown after my first divorce - I was 24 - and was diagnosed as bipolar, I'd been treated for severe depression since I was 17. For the sake of my mental health, I moved to the other side of the world, away from my mother...that was 30 years ago. Since then I've only visited her twice, and haven't seen her for 15 years. The most I can manage is a phone call every month or so. Like you, it's small talk only - anything deeper, anything personal ultimately turns into her throwing herself a pity party. She's never been capable of giving emotional support, only taking it.

All I can recommend is going low contact. I won't lie, it's not easy and sometimes I feel guilty as hell, but for the sake of my mental health it's necessary.