His sister called me his 'not' girlfriend

[MerLOWnomore]

For context, me and my boyfriend have been together several years. We've had a few rough patches, and were really on the rocks towards the end of the summer, ended up having a huge argument and it felt like it was over at the time. A few weeks on we reconciled, and things have been much better ever since. We don't live together, but spend every weekend together and most nights in the week. Went back to how we were before, going on dates, cinema, lots of affection, spent 12 days together over Christmas, all good. However, since the brief break in the summer I've been a lot more anxious about the relationship ending again even though there is no evidence to suggest this. I do have a very anxious attachment style, though I feel this has been made worse by some of the rough patches in the relationship.

Anyway, all was good till last night. He'd left his email on, and his sister was emailing his brother (they both use the same email.) She said something about 'maybe he' s not x because he doesn't want to annoy his not girlfriend.' I wasn' t snooping, it was literally just open on the PC.

This has sent me spiralling a bit. On the one hand, he's not said or done anything that indicates he doesn' t think we're together, or that I'm not his girlfriend. He also hardly speaks to his sister, and they're not close, so I doubt he'd even talk to her about his relationship. But then I'm wondering why she'd even say that unless he's indicated to his family we're not together anymore.

On the other hand, she's got a reputation of being quite bitchy, so it might have just been a throwaway comment to her, and her just being sarcy or bitchy in light of what happened with us a few months back. But again, not sure she'd even know that.

He was literally on the phone to a male friend he'd not spoken to for years a few weeks back and was saying to him 'I'm out and about with my girlfriend now.' Tells me he loves me etc.

It's really niggling me and upsetting me, and I feel like I have to say something, but equally I'm wondering if I'm blowing it out of proportion given there is zero evidence he thinks this beyond her comment.

I wouldn't give it any thought tbh.

If she has a history of saying unkind things, and they're not close, it wasn't said to you so it was more likely to have been said to upset/annoy him.

Maybe she was referring to the fact that you don't live together?
Why do he and his brother share an email address? How does that work?

That's really odd, sharing an email address.

I'd do a bit of digging. Have a look in the draft folders of that email account if you can.

What are the issues that you were having? What was the argument about that broke you up temporarily?

If you are both happy ignore everyone else.

Basically, it's his business email but it was a family run business. He, boyfriend, only uses it to respond to business enquiries, whereas his brother uses it to email family etc. My boyfriend also has a separate email, so I guess it's not shared as much as it's a business email. It was like that for years - his mum used to use it as her primary email when she was alive. Sorry, should have explained that better.

Isn’t it just a typo?

I wondered the same thing. Maybe it was supposed to say "hot" girlfriend?

Yeah cos sisters write that.

i guess it’s a catty reference to the fact it was off in the summer and you chose not to like together, just ask him.

do you spend time with his family?

If this is one of those on again off again relationships it's probably just that everyone is tired of it, and his sister has thrown a sarcastic remark about it into an email.

I mean, the whole sentence, and the fact that she doesn't use your name, is weird.

On occasion, but not a lot as he rarely sees them. There was meant to be a family do before Xmas but said sister cancelled as she was in a strop with everyone. She also didn't buy me an Xmas present this year, which is no biggie, but the first time in several years.

How long have you been together? It all sounds dramatic.

You've been together for years, break up sometimes, and don't live together.

You also aren't comfortable to just ask bf about the email which would be the obvious choice.

It is an unstable relationship. Why are you continuing?

Honestly, OP, just move on. If you’ve been together several years, have had several bad patches, and actually broke up for weeks in the summer, don’t live together, you’re permanently anxious about the relationship, and on edge enough to be viewing an offhand remark from his sister as important — is this really how you want to live?

Because 99% of the time we're best friends, make each other laugh a lot and love each other. The previous rough patches have mostly been circumstancial.

The plan is to move in this year, but I don't know why that's the only thing that would make it a proper relationship.

It sounds like you are his 'not girlfriend'. A good description of the relationship I'd say. You are but then you're not, serious but not really, don't live together. Not bitchy per se unless she meant you to see it.

It's not that I'm not comfortable. If he'd been there at the time I'd seen it I'd have asked, but didn't want to look like a snoop given he wasn't there at the time.

I agree

Ignore all the drama. This isn't the right man for you.

Find someone who loves you for the person you are.

She's being bitchy but I can see why she made that throwaway remark. On/off again relationships exasperate everyone around them.
But what she thinks has no bearing on what you or your boyfriend think, so just ignore her.
I do believe you guys can't go on indefinitely in an unstable relationship though. At some point you'll either have to commit properly or call a permanent end to things. If breaking up is an easier default than working though whatever issues arise, then this isn't the right relationship.

His sister made a throwaway comment about her brother’s unstable relationship.

If this comment has sent you spiralling, then you need to look in the mirror. This is what happens to anxious people in unstable relationships, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Given you attachment style, you need to either develop strategies to cope better or you need to walk away. If you go down the route of expecting him to reassure every time your anxiety is triggered then I just see more instability ahead.

Maybe you don’t have an anxious attachment style - maybe your relationship is making you anxious.

Just a thought (speaking from experience). A good consistent healthy relationship doesn’t send you spiralling.

i think she was simply sarcastic because your relationship is very on-off and she probably does not take it too seriously - not because you as a person, but because of how not-serious you and your boyfriend are about each other

You think this is her first and only relationship and she doesn’t know?