Help me understand my own thinking

[FindingSerenity]

I walked away from a relationship after Christmas knowing it was the right thing to do. To say my ex was not good to me would be an understatement and aside from having a very bad temper he regularly messaged another woman behind my back. When I confronted him he would tell me it was either my fault or it wasn't a big deal. I walked on eggshells a lot. Everything was always my fault. The thought of bringing my DC up around someone who treated me this way made me make the break.

I know how unhealthy this relationship was and I try to remind myself every day why it's better and safer that I'm not part of it and my DC will never be exposed to it. But somehow I still feel an overwhelming urge to contact them. To try again. It feels like my heart is breaking and I think what if I could go back and it would be different. Even knowing I've thought this before and nothing ever changed. I just want to feel better and I'm trying hard to focus on other things but it's like a worse heartbreak than what I've felt before. Almost like I need them. I don't know whether I just got used to living a certain way that I don't know how to be away from them? They were very possessive.

I don't know what my question is, other than has anyone else felt this way? Does it get better? I hate using the word abusive but I know deep down that's what a large part of my relationship was so the pull I feel doesn't make sense.

Thanks for reading

The pull you feel does make sense - you made a life changing decision and you’re trying to adapt to it. Well done for getting out of the relationship and being a good example to your DC of what you shouldn’t accept in a relationship.
It’s also still very new and fresh so it does hurt a lot. If you’ve been through heartbreak before then you’ll know that it doesn’t last forever, over time it gets easier and easier and one day you’ll look back and feel yucky at the thought of being with that person.
Stay strong!

You sound needy, like you need to be with someone, and I’d say that you need to work towards being ok on your own.

You could be experiencing this…

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

I think it's because it feels familiar whereas being on your own is new and scary. Humans aren't generally good with change. Hang in there OP! You will start to feel better soon.

Absolutely this. You know going back that nothing would change. Its that your heart not caught up with your head yet.

In time you’ll be proud of yourself for ending a toxic relationship.

Do you have a friend who knows the situation? With my friend left her unhealthy relationship she messaged me whenever she was tempted to contact him and we chatted til the urge had gone.

Often when we make a change our whole self screams..CHANGE BACK!! This is because we feel vulnerable and alone but this will stop soon and you will be so glad to have survived this painful bit and will go from strength to strength.
Also we are inclined to remember the good bits and there will have been good bits but if you go back the bad bits will all still be there. Feel the pain but hang in there as it won't last.
Getting counselling would help as you would have support but l realise it's expensive and not always readily available. Do you have anything through work?

I've been having a very similar experience after a break up. Being in the relationship damaged me. I put up with too much for too long. And yet I loved him and still miss him. I sometimes think it could work and perhaps I should make contact either to try again or try to be friends.

Then I realise thinking we could be friends is just a round about way of wanting to get back together.

I realise wanting to try again is just a natural reaction to change. We all resist change, but most of the time riding out the initial discomfort leads to far greater things for us.

I have made a list in the notes section of my phone of all the shit things he did and how he damaged me. A cold, factual, unemotional list. Looking at that when I feel I miss him quickly reminds me why we broke up and why I never want to go back. It works brilliantly.

And finally, I am pretty sure he will have someone else on the go by now. Men move on extremely quickly. They don't stop to reflect, heal or grow. They just look for the next shag. I remind myself that I have a better future ahead. And the further and further I get away from the break up the less I think about hkm at all.

I've never been a needy person although having someone physically and emotionally hurt you can definitely knock you out of character. It's like I'm a different person altogether or I've certainly lost part of my identity for sure.

Sorry you're going through something similar and I think you're absolutely right. If I can just push past the emotional discomfort then I'll be giving myself a chance at happiness again. You sound really strong and steadfast and that is amazing.

Funnily enough I did make a note on my phone and try to read it regularly. Of the reality of what the relationship was like rather than the rose tinted version I've got in my head. I think you're right as I'm almost sure he is with the woman he was messaging while with me. It's just not making sense to me sometimes how someone can damage you so much and yet you still want that person. It's like my mind plays tricks.

Thanks for your response. I do definitely think I'm finding the change difficult and it really is a drastic change. It was a very intense or controlling relationship, too much so, that I feel like I don't really know how to function in some ways. I know that must sound a bit pathetic. I am attending therapy and it's been a big help so far but I am sometimes embarrassed to admit I feel a pull to such a negative force in my life if that makes sense?

This is it exactly - my heart just won't catch up. Even though I remind myself of how much he hurt me and how I felt almost all of the time as a result. It's almost as if my heart tricks myself into believing he will be the person I knew initially and not the person he revealed himself to be.

I had confided in my closest friend but I know the relationship caused her concern and sometimes I worry that she will be fed up listening. I should have made the break a while ago but I struggled. Does that make sense?

I had wondered about this but we all just assume that this only happens to people who are in abusive situations for a number of years. So much of it rings true purely because I've went through a marriage separation and breakups when I was younger but nothing has ever felt like this before so it feels unusual. Or unhealthy almost.

I think it's like when you move house. You may have moved from a grotty, tiny terrace to a four bedroomed detached, but part of you has that 'what have I DONE!' feeling, because you knew where everything was in the old house, and you knew the neighbours and where the damp was. Now you have to start all over again and part of you wants to go back to the (cramped, damp) comfort of the old place.

It's totally normal. Don't forget that an abusive relationship can only happen if the abuser is nice, loving, kind etc in the beginning - you don't go into a relationship with a man who treats you badly from day 1. You have to get something positive out of it, and then the desire to get BACK to that positive experience is what keeps you around in the face of the abuse.

Also, we are all hardwired to, over time, minimise the bad. I think this is probably, overall, a good thing - most women wouldn't have a second child if we didn't forget how awful childbirth was after all! And it helps with things like recovering from bad situations. I know, I'm glad that my memories of my mum are mostly good - I haven't forgotten the bad stuff but I've been able to focus on the good things about her and I'm glad because she's dead now and I want to remember those more.

But in the case of abuse, it can be bad because you then are focusing on the happy times and think that maybe you're over-egging how bad it was. Or that it will be different this time.

It won't be.

I think what you're feeling is totally normal and yes, it absolutely fades away and gets better.

People's brains are hardwired to be connected to others. The things that happen neurologically when you break up are akin to withdrawal trauma. That primal part of your brain is basically doing everything it can to re-establish that connection. It doesn't care about whether or not that person was actually any good for you. That knowledge is with the higher thinking part of your brain and thankfully the one you make conscious decisions with. Just like withdrawal that desperate pull will slowly fall away into nothing. That part of your brain will settle and you'll just be left with the "what was I even thinking?!" hindsight we end up with.

Stay strong. Zero contact. It'll get easier.