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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please

9 replies

koko44 · 17/01/2024 13:03

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice or help please. Recently I discovered on my husbands phone that he has been recording us (voice recording) when we, you know, are intimate 😳I'm horrified, and not sure how I feel about it. The background is, laying in bed one night, he was on his side facing away from me, I said what are you doing he said sorting his alarm out, but I saw a glimpse of his screen and though to myself that's not his alarm. The next day after work he was in the bath or shower and so I looked at his phone, can I just point out I'm not one of those wives who checks his phone, never have done before. But at this time I couldn't get it out of my head, so I brought up using the thingy button where it brings up all the pages of the phone that have recently been opened and I saw this voice recordings list of saved recordings, I started to listen, wondering what he had been recording but then realised it was me, but I was so shocked and embarrassed I turned it off and put the phone down. Part of me wishes Id never dug into this, as now I just cant relax. I haven't checked for a couple of months now, but he was a bit edgy when I walked in earlier and and shut down his tablet quickly and when I asked he just said he was trying to back up his phone. At the time of these recordings we were going through a really bad patch but through time, counselling and help we are back on track, but I'm too scared to look again to see if he's still recording me or us and I just cant get it out of my head. From my post you can probably tell im a bit shy in that area and just not that confident in myself or my body, so things like this, well its just made me feel a bit ick! Help!

OP posts:
Tiddlywink222 · 17/01/2024 13:11

I’m fairly sure this is illegal. Might just be using it to get himself off, but without consent this is not ok.

you need to talk to him about it.

Pr1mr0se · 17/01/2024 13:17

I agree with Tiddlywink222. I know relationships that have broken because of this and the husband has landed in jail as this sort of behaviour escalated. This is not ok, you have not consented. If you can't confront him about it then make sure his phone is not on/ in another room if you want to get intimate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2024 13:18

He has lied to you and will continue to lie to you about the extent of this.

Such actions are illegal and there may be more than just voice recordings. He was not trying to back up his phone at all. I would be contacting the police re this matter because it is this serious. Do you want to remain married to such a man?.

SamW98 · 17/01/2024 13:21

Can only echo what others have said, this is illegal and an abuse of trust. Hes also a liar - is this who you want for a partner?

koko44 · 17/01/2024 13:26

Thanks for taking the time to respond guys. We have been together 18 years married for 9 years. I think im in 2 minds because he really is the most lovely, caring, kindest person, so this is so random and out the blue. He's shite with technology, or so I thought ha. I can only think that at the time I discovered these, were when we were hanging on the edge of separation did he do it for those reasons? what were or are his reasons. I don't know how I can bring it up with him without admitting I went down his phone, and I do want to bring it up with him to talk about it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2024 13:45

He is not who you think he is. Do you want to remain married to such a man?.

Do not make excuses for him. There is no good reason for him to make such recordings of you. This was also done without your consent.

HopeFloatsAbove · 17/01/2024 16:30

Its illegal to record you without your consent. I wonder what else he may have done similar without you knowing. Rarely it will be just recording. I know this from own experience unfortunately.

Ask yourself why you think this is showing love and care for you by what he is doing? It is self righteous on his behalf and tactless, abusive and not normal.

You have every right to report this to the police and I would think carefully about your intimate relationship with him in your future.

I bet you are really mistrusting of him now. Love does not look like this. If you take action and decide to go to the police about this, do so without telling him as the police will confiscate his phone, and if your partner knows you are going to the police he will erase all evidence, unfortunately this has happened to me, I reported it and glad I did.

Rethink your relationship with this man. He has no respect for you regardless of the words he feeds you to make you believe he is a good man, or the reasons he tells you why he records you. Those are lies only to protect him, not you.

Muchof · 17/01/2024 18:25

koko44 · 17/01/2024 13:26

Thanks for taking the time to respond guys. We have been together 18 years married for 9 years. I think im in 2 minds because he really is the most lovely, caring, kindest person, so this is so random and out the blue. He's shite with technology, or so I thought ha. I can only think that at the time I discovered these, were when we were hanging on the edge of separation did he do it for those reasons? what were or are his reasons. I don't know how I can bring it up with him without admitting I went down his phone, and I do want to bring it up with him to talk about it.

Pfft to admitting you looked at his phone. If he dared to object to that well tough. This is marriage ending level of betrayal.

MILTOBE · 17/01/2024 18:27

I wonder why you didn't bring it up in counselling. That's meant to be a safe space to talk about things like this.

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