Is this still the honeymoon phase?

[twinmamaa]

Hi all,

Ex and I split up after a 6-year marriage. He was a typical narcissist. The ghosting and stonewalling were too painful to bare. So the last time he attempted both, I decided to never speak to him again. He was also disrespectful, abusive on all levels and now does nothing for DC.

He got with someone in early 2022 and moved in with her. A couple of months later they broke up. Got back together, split up a week later for 3 months. And, got back together again over summer, he then deleted Instagram and Facebook and filed for divorce. They seem to be stable now and may have gotten engaged as he is wearing a ring. His display picture on Whats'App is of them two. This tells me he may have adjusted his behaviour and now can commit.

It makes me sad to think he is going to great lengths to prove his commitment to this woman. But, with me and DC he was/is uninterested and neglectful.

Don’t be so ridiculous. He’s exactly the same man.

A leopard doesn’t change their spots.

He’ll leave her too.

I’m currently in an abusive relationship and my understanding is the abuser doesn’t change unless he adresses the abuse and gets help for his behaviour.
‘I can understand why you would feel sad but you are better off without him.
Take care

He "committed" to you - he married you. I assume he behaved better then becasue otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Narcissists aren't stupid, they're perfectly aware of their own behaviour so can control it long enough ot get what they want. Once they are no longer happy with what they got (perhaps children take some of the attention off him?) they do the same thing to the next victim person.

I'm sorry to hear you're in this. I hope you find the courage to leave.

It makes me sad to think he is going to great lengths to prove his commitment to this woman

All he's doing is trying to rub your nose in it on social media. A few crappy photos do not a commitment make.

I don't think a narcissist changes his spots. But now that you are mostly free of him, you can limit how much his narcissism damages you. No need to follow him on social media. Do you need to have him on WhatsApp, is that how you communicate about the children? (It doesn't sound like you need to communicate with him about them either, unfortunately?).

Your time is better spent focusing on your own wellbeing and recovering from the abuse you suffered.

True. He was so lovely at the start.
It's sad that he has caused so much destruction and will probably do the same to her and future partners.

why do you keep looking to the past? Are you heading that way? Yes you are if you keep looking back. Start looking forward and your life will move forward

I mean this gently but I cannot believe you are asking if they’re still in the honeymoon phase. It really should not be on your mind enough to create a post.

You don’t seem to believe deep down that you have escaped a monster but you have and now he’s living in your head rent free.

Claim the max CSA and move on with your life. Every second spent thinking about him or his life is another second wasted.

The best revenge is for you to succeed in life and be happy. (That hurts him but never you)

@twinmamaa Ok firstly, if they have gotten engaged, why would he be wearing a ring?!

Secondly, even if they are engaged, remember he got engaged (and married) to you too. "It makes me sad to think he is going to great lengths to prove his commitment to this woman." He's not. Asking someone to marry you isn't a "great length" to go to prove your commitment. Literally any person walking this planet right now can ask someone to marry them, It means nothing!!! Having decency and morals, sticking to vows and being loyal and respectful to another person for life is the commitment.

Don't be fooled by thinking some photos on social media mean he's a completely changed person.

Move on with your life, be happy, stop torturing yourself. The way he was with you (the mother of his children!!!) is the way he will always be with any woman.

To heal you need to focus less on what he thinks feels and his actions and much more on yourself and your own boundaries and what you've learned from this- speaking from experience and also having a baby with the guy. Not easy but you'll be so much happier if you try to do this. Xx

I mean, they've been together 2 years and have already broken up twice, at least, and he is still married to someone else and yet they are now potentially 'engaged' very quickly in what seems like quite an unstable relationship.

No, it doesn't sound like he has changed his spots at all. This sounds like a rubbish relationship for her and he clearly can't 'commit' as he's broken up with her twice already. Consider yourself lucky you escaped and aren't still on that roundabout.

With all my respect the first thing you need to think about is why are you still caring about him?
Doesn't matter who is he now (although I pretty much doubt he has changed), it does matter how bad was him with you and your DC. You both are better without him.

You may have decided not to speak to him again but your clear all over him like a rash given what you've said and know about what's been going on in his life. Stop stalking and get on with the new narc-free life you have been blessed with.

You're all right. Thank you. I should really stop checking about what he's doing and who he's with. I'm very stupid for being this invested in his life. I'm still quite hurt by all the things he's done to me and DC and feel how can he just move and be happy whilst I'm left to pick up the pieces.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Long marriage to (what I believe to be) a covert narcissist. We split and he moved on within a week. Leapt into moving in together. He’s now talking about proposing to her. We’ve been divorced for less than a year.
DD is 10. She commented the other day that he does things for his new partner that he refused to do when we were married (things to make life easier, make things better for her). I replied that just confirmed we were right to split, he feels more motivated to do it for her.
I know he hasn’t really changed. I know this act can’t last forever. I feel a bit sorry for her, knowing what’s likely to happen but she’d never have listened to me even if I’d tried to warn her! This is how he is. I’m just relieved to be free (aside from sharing a child).

How on earth do you see this as him committing? The've broken up multiple times and now may or may not be engaged? He's clearly treating her just as badly and she is clearly taking it.

You're well shot of him.

I'm very stupid for being this invested in his life

You're not stupid, you're the victim of a manipulative narcissist. You are struggling to pull away, which is what he wants. Time to change the script.

Yes, it’s time to move on.

Ban yourself from checking SM. It’s very unhealthy

1. stop with the pain shopping, block all their social channels
2. read "why does he do that?" by lundy bancroft, they don't change.

You know exactly who he is.

She doesn't.

If she knew what he is really like, she wouldn't want him either.

He is no loss.

My XH remarried very quickly. In fact, announce the marriage before the divorce was final. He was looking for a new wife/woman before i kicked him out.

Wasn't happy with me, too fat, too boring, yada yada. He married a woman fatter than me, which was a suprise, given that it was apparently an issue.

Guess what OP? He isn't happy now. He spent some time at DD's graduation waxing lyrical about places we had been, holidays etc. All in front of current wife. Despicable.

Tried desperately to see me before he got married (presumably so i could throw myself on the floor, and beg him not to) and before I remarried.

Can't feel too sorry for him. Do feel sorry for new wife and family.

Your XH will still be the arsehole he always was, I can almost guarantee it.

Look up Caroline Strawson on social media. She’s an expert in navigating life after a toxic relationship (focusing on narcissists). I’ve found her stuff very helpful in terms of helping me heal.

This is exactly what I need to do.

Tbh I think you should just feel a bit sorry for her.
why would you so readily think he’s changed because he’s wearing a ring and changed his WhatsApp photo? Doesn’t exactly bode well that they’ve been on and off so far.

Thank you for the suggestion. I'll look her up and follow her.