How soon is too soon

[SpringleDingle]

Im a divorced 46 year old mum of 1. DD is 12. I have met someone and properly fallen for him. He is kind, loyal, loving, organised, patient etc… The sex is fab. We’d like to live together. He’s met DD plenty (her choice) and they like one another. DD has a dad with EOW contact so not expecting my boyfriend to take on any dad duties.

What is the mumsnet wisdom relating to cohabitation? He would move in with me (we live in the same street as my family which is important to DD). There are no financial implications. Would you want to have been in a relationship for 1 year, 18 months, 2 years, longer before you moved him in?

It's hard to say. 1 year seems fine to me if partner and daugher get on well and you think you have a long term future. I moved in with my partner and their children after 7 months! Thankfully, it's worked out well for all of us. I think waiting is for checking that the relationship is healthy and long term, and that everyone involved is comfortable with the change. Obviously, you can never know how things will work out in the future for sure.
How long since the break up with your ex? (Is it long enough that your daughter has processed that change.) Have you moved anyone in before/introduced your daughter to any other partners? Do you usually make good assessments about partners and do your family and friends have a similar high opinion of him?

No. Your daughter is starting puberty and I would be prioritising her over moving your partner in.

For the record I'm a lone parent, have a partner I don't live with yet for this reason. She's just about to be 15 and got to grips with the changes in her body etc but we will be working towards getting a bigger house for us to all move into so I can ensure her privacy and dignity.

I've been with my partner 4 years.

How long have you been dating?

We moved on together after 2 years, 2 months
. Tbh we could've done it a bit sooner but I wanted to wait.

Oh my dd was just coming up to 12. So was his son who doesn't live with us but spends lots of time here.

I have decided to wait til both my DS have finished their A-levels - for me this has meant a 3-4 year wait but I'm so glad my teenagers can be relaxed in their own home and I have this time with them without a "stranger" (much as I love him[ there.

I would be even more hesitant with a female teenager.

2 years at current life stages I'd say. You need to make sure there's an established foundation before moving a person in to your home with DC.

There are financial considerations, like him paying half of all bills/mortgage and you'd lose your 25% council tax rebate for 1 adult. If he has brought up contributing himself, it's a good sign as it all needs discussion before moving in. If he thinks it's a cheaper or even free alternative to where he's living now, not a good sign.

I am sorry, I realise there are financial implications but I own outright and he won’t be put on deeds and we’ve already discussed bill splitting etc.. so there won’t be an adverse impact on either of us nor do I need his ££ contribution to support me and DD.

Leaving it until DD is 18 means another 6 years which feels a long time. We’ve been dating just over a year and we’re hoping to make the move “during this year, when it feels right”. I’ve been divorced 5 years and have had one boyfriend in the meantime who DD met and didn’t really care for. DD and I have been living alone together nearly 6 years now! I want someone to share life with who isn’t a smelly hairy beast (the dog) or a tech obsessed grouch (the kid)!

No one is saying to wait 6 years but your DD needs space, time and privacy as she goes through puberty etc

Wait until she is about 15 or so and through the tough bit.

Prioritising a new partner at the most difficult time for a girl is not good.

I am waiting until dc have finished a levels as well…another eight years to go!

I agree with the puberty bit tbh.

Dealing with hormones and periods with a man she barely knows there 24/7 will be tough on her. She should be the priority.

I started seeing someone when my daughter was 15. He moved in when she was 17. Tbh, him moving in was suggested by her. They get on well and it's very harmonious!

But I had kept all previous dates/boyfriends well away from her so she has always known she was the priority.

Why do you need to live together? There was a thread last week I think about the benefits of married couples living separately. You could keep the status quo till your daughter is 18 then you don't run the risk of messing her up as she goes through adolescence.

I wouldn't yet, but that's because in both of the extremely damaging and toxic relationships I found myself trapped in, I didn't really understand that to be the case for a good couple of years. Some people are incredible actors and it can take a while for the mask to slip. I'm not into game playing, but if I ever find myself feeling serious about someone again, I will be making sure that we have at least disagreed previously, that we can have "difficult" conversations, and that he takes responsibility for his own actions. I will also want to check that if I have issues with any aspect of his behaviour that he will take it seriously and not just (down the line) accuse me of being mental/psycho etc. I would say you're still very much in the honeymoon phase so you maybe don't really know him yet. You only need to scroll through a few of the posts in here to see how many people find that they've been with a complete stranger and were totally hoodwinked. But I'm a bit of a cynic right now so I hope it works out for you all. Also, as a mum to a 17 year old, I can tell you that a lot might change with your daughter in the next few years, and she may need you more. For me, this appeared to cause a massive amount of resentment from my then partner when the attention was not focused on him... Oh, and 100% please get a Clare's law application in.
Edit; my bad spelling

I think it’s unfair for people to suggest you can’t live with your partner AND prioritise your daughter. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. How big is your home? Is there space enough for everyone to have space from each other when needed? I would take your daughter’s lead.

No. Wait until your child is an legal adult, and out of the home...

Don't bring him into the home, nor around your child often...

Causal dating until then.

It's not a good idea to live together right now.
Prioritize your child instead of a man and relationship. If it's meant to be, waiting until she's 18 or so...isn't a big deal.
You two can enjoy the relationship and have a great relationship without living together right now.

Your daughter doesn't deserve her home interrupted and the disruption of another person there. She needs to be comfortable in the home and have privacy.

Tbh it's only been a year..that's too soon imo even if you were single and childless.

Also its only been a year. .she shouldn't have met him nor have been around him loads already.

@jeaux90

tgeres no need to 'prioritise' the BF just because he's moved in.

shes 12 years, not months, she doesn't need 24/7 fussing over.

waiting years is just ridiculous.

@SpringleDingle

the world doesn't wait years because a child is going through puberty. Your plan to move in together 'sometime this year' is fine.

of course you're not going to just start ignoring DD's needs & wants. It'll do her good to have a bit of space to grow into her own person.

& just because you'll be living together doesn't mean you & DD can't do things together without him.

they like each other, maybe they can work on developing some 'just them' things too. Handmaking puzza on a Friday night, playing backgammon, whatever they enjoy.

Honestly some of the responses on these threads... I was widowed when my daughter was 2, am I expected to wait 16 years before I can cohabit again? In the real world that's not how it works and the problem with waiting until puberty is over is that could be anything from 2-6 years, you can't know now which will be the trickiest age.

Saying that I'd probably say 18 months to 2 years before moving another partner in, with them increasingly staying overnight, maybe going on a short holiday etc.

Honestly, perhaps you should be wary of a man that you barely know being comfortable with meeting your daughter, being around her loads already, and wanting to move in with you knowing that she's there...who isn't saying that you two need to wait until she's left home.

That's not a quality guy..imo. .and that would be red flags. A quality man would have declined everything, and would have perhaps stopped seeing you.

I couldn't imagine dating anyone who I barely know eager for and allowing me to meet their child and be around them often within a short time, and move in with both of them within a year. Who tells me that there's no need for me to take an active role in their child's life...it would scream desperation to me.

What a load of tosh.

I know waiting until dc leave home to cohabit is not how it works in the real world for many, but it is what I intend to do.

@Deathbyfluffy really? Please don't gaslight some of the obvious red flags that happen in real life. OP should absolutely be thinking about this from all angles. The majority of sexual abuse happens in homes across families.

My view on this situation is she should wait until til her DD is through the difficult puberty bit because privacy and dignity should come first.

Early teens are a really difficult time for girls. They live on the same street and see a lot of each other but this should be enough for now.

Couldn't agree more.