How do you mentally prepare yourself for your child going to unsupervised contact with their abusive father?

[Mandaloriani]

Its been a long hard slot.
Our DD has been subject to court proceedings for most of her life, nearly 4 years.
I've fought so hard to ensure contact stays supervised for very good reasons.
Her father is abusive. Inside and out. He did not just abuse me, he abused her.
We're approaching our final hearing where it looks like cafcass are firmly in his corner.
The overriding factor in all of this is that DD has positive contact with her father. Its two hours a fortnight in a contact centre.. its me that sits there and talks to her positively about it, its me who encourages her when she doesn't want to go. I've had her clinging onto me when we've got to the contact centre entrance and crying and with every fibre of my being I reassure her.

We've had report after report saying contact should stay supervised. Nobody within court proceedings has had the courage to lift the supervision restriction.

However, as we approach final hearing. Cafcass want to fast track to unsupervised.

I spent a long-time on the phone to my barrister and essentially need to try and mentally prepare for this.

From what I gather, the court (not cafcass) are profoundly concerned about the length of time DD has had supervised contact for and its lasting effects and how this is all she knows.

I just want to be able to support her. I want to be able to reassure her that I love her. I'll be there no matter what and I want her to enjoy her contact with her father.

She enjoys the two hours once a fortnight, however I know she will hugely struggle with being away from home for a prolonged length of time. DD cries at school and the teachers tell me it's because she misses me. She cries at wraparound care and when the childminder picks her up at school instead of me. She cries when I drop her off to after school clubs because she doesn't want me to go. I always tell her I'm coming back and she knows this.

I'm worried about the impact of the transition to unsupervised contact on our relationship

DD still comes into my bed most nights. I'm always OK with this because I know it makes her feel safe.

How can I support her to know I'm not abandoning her and also mentally prepare myself for the prospect of her father having unsupervised time with her after such a long period of supervised contact.

Anyone been through similar?

You are the person who supervises the contact?

So Cafcass are going professional court appointed professionals reports?

DD cries at school and the teachers tell me it's because she misses me. She cries at wraparound care and when the childminder picks her up at school instead of me. She cries when I drop her off to after school clubs because she doesn't want me to go

The issue is broader than just her father. She sounds very insecure and unsettled. Is she receiving any professional support?

No. As said in post she goes to a contact centre.

Cafcass are court appointed. We have had several reports from children's services, a fact finding, expert witnesses and all say contact to remain supervised.

And yes, she has just started play therapy at school.

from what you have written

this child would benefit from professional support as at priority.

so the court has “profound” and very serious concerns about even supervised access

and yet Cafcass are pushing for unsupervised?

1-2-1

This sounds very tough OP. It’s very wrong that we deride women who don’t leave abusive relationships because they are failing to protect their children and then expect those same women to make sure the children have a relationship with the abuser no matter what.
It does sound like you both need support and therapy. Your child sounds very insecure. She has been through a lot. You both have.

You have two different problems that don't actually help your case.

Your DD cries when she the CM picks her up or when she is a wrap around care. Your DD should be used to someone like the CM by now.

This means that because she cries with everyone whether her father is abusive as you claim will be ignored as she cries with other adults who are deemed safe.

Focus on the harm her father has actually caused her not whether she cries with other safe adults.

Why won't the court listen to the experts?

Separation anxiety and her father being unfit to parent unsupervised shouldn't be conflated.

Yes 1 to 1 play therapy. Someone goes to her school and does it.

She is very insecure, but I don't know why as I am committed to her, nobody comes before her. I'm not in a relationship with anyone. She tells me if anyone else hugs me she gets upset or jealous.

I don't know what else to do to help with her insecurity. I let her sleep with me. Her routine is the same every week. I'm even in the process of changing jobs to allow me to wfh more so I can pick her up from school more.

Largely because her contact with him is positive. She isn't anxious or fearful with him.
She was spoken to by cafcass and expert witness alone when i wasnt there and she told them both she's happiest when with mummy. She enjoys going to the contact centre because she knows mummy is waiting outside for her.

Op

This is sad. May I ask is she jealous because he was jealous? Is she replicating what she saw him do to you?

In order to help your child fly in life you should (as crazy as it sounds) put boundaries in place. You know it is not normal to be as clingy as she is so you should not pander and hang around at drop offs - don’t linger at the school/child minders etc

The more she senses your sadness and desperation the more it will embed itself in her.

The dangerous father is a separate thing. I am no use because I would send a teddy bear with a listening device which (only if unsupervised was granted)

How much unsupervised are they recommending? Sometimes they allow it with a grandparent or something? Surely it won’t be going to overnights?

May I ask what type of abuse he did to the child? And if the father has admitted this and took action to rectify his beliefs?

No it is very bad advice to send a listening device! Ignore that

The dangerous father is a separate thing. I am no use because I would send a teddy bear with a listening device which (only if unsupervised was granted)

WTAF

No.. don't think a listening advice will help....

*She is very insecure, but I don't know why as I am committed to her, nobody comes before her. I'm not in a relationship with anyone. She tells me if anyone else hugs me she gets upset or jealous.

I don't know what else to do to help with her insecurity. I let her sleep with me. Her routine is the same every week. I'm even in the process of changing jobs to allow me to wfh more so I can pick her up from school more.*

It all sounds a bit unhealthy , whereas by your own admission she is not anxious around her dad.i can see why the court are leaning this way.

You literally know zero about our case and everything she's been through.

Op, you sound like a wonderful mum. Co sleeping and being there for your daughter sounds just what she needs. You are her safe place and she needs to know you are there for her.

Play therapy sounds great but there is more the school can do. Ask if they have an ELSA. They provide emotional literacy support to individual children in a way they need. One of the benefits is that the child builds a strong trusting relationship with the ELSA during the weekly sessions which will help your dc to feel more confident in school as she has someone she feels very safe with who she can chat to if upset or needed during the day.

@Mandaloriani

no I did say it wasn’t a good idea I should not have suggested it which I said after

you didn’t answer any questions?

Sorry. Yes.
I give her a very stable home life. I've taken active and positive steps to address any anxiety I have and don't bring any negativity into our household. She is insecure because I think of the fact she only has me. In the sense I've been there since day one. She lived at home with her parents together for a short while and consequently as a result of abuse her home life changed significantly. Dad went away and then had limited supervised contact. I think she thinks I'm going to abandon her too.. I've made it very clear I love her unconditionally, she's my world and life and she will always be number one. I tell her pretty much every day.
I don't project any sadness, anxiety or desperation onto her. I work full time. Home life is a tightly run ship but we also do lots of fun things together.

She's always wanted to sleep with me since day one. I can remember before we left he tried to co sleep with her and she didn't want it, she just wanted me.
I feel I'm doing everything I can to make her feel secure.
We've recently agreed on one of his family members supervising contact moving forwards so I do expect it'll move out of the contact centre soon and into the community.

The father was physically abusive to our daughter and mentally abusive too, she was around one and a half at the time.. I can't give the exact details as its outing but there was documented evidence of it which the court have seen.

I'm happy She's having positive contact and I want to support her as best as I can to know I'll be here no matter what.

Well op that is at least something that another family member will be supervising. I hope that is not compromised at all.

In some way any delay to these proceedings is good because the longer the contact centre goes on the safer your daughter is

Do you expect that this will have to return to court after some time as might he want to appeal the supervised family member having to be present?

What type of character is he? Motivated by spiting you? Or does he genuinely want to see his daughter? Did he admit his abuse?

Does he have an equally abusive parent in the background telling him he must fight to see his child at all costs?