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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alone

7 replies

Intheendtherewasdust · 16/01/2024 21:21

I changed name but had posted about this before when it was ongoing. My brother had been accused by several people and has now been found guilty on some people’s accounts. I know that people will hate me but I’m so upset about this and I can’t tell anyone because I love him and he is the most important person in my life and I don’t know what to do without him. I struggle with so many things and now it will all be worse. I know that I sound pathetic but it’s the first time I have to sort things and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 16/01/2024 21:25

You sound upset and your post isn’t very clear, sorry.
Your brother has been found guilty in a court? If this is right and several people accused him I’d assume sexual assault?
If he is guilty of crime/s it is not on you if you were not involved in any way.
I’m sure there are places you can get support.

Intheendtherewasdust · 16/01/2024 21:37

I’m sorry for being unclear.
Yes he’s been found guilty in a court but I am upset about it

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 16/01/2024 21:40

You are not being pathetic at all. Your brother has behaved badly towards other people however he has been amazing support to you by the sound of it. It doesn't sound you have many people/places of support. Stick to each other, he is still your brother and you are his sister. Better times will come

Kosenrufugirl · 16/01/2024 21:45

All of us need someone to love and treasure us as we are. You and your brother are lucky to have each other. You are stronger than you think, you will find the way to manage the challenges you face

Intheendtherewasdust · 16/01/2024 22:00

Thank you

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/01/2024 02:16

Sometimes people we love do bad things. And when it's not to us, it can cause a dialema where a. We don't want to belive it even when it appears to be true. And b. We think 'oh but they're lovely to me so maybe I can compartmentalise'. Seperate the him I love and the him who is cruel to others.

I'd imagine it's also extra hard when this person is someone you rely heavily on. Let alone, love dearly. So I absolutely have sympathy for you.

It doesn't mean you have to cut this person from your life entirely (though I suppose if a prison sentence happens then this may be somewhat mandatory I suppose). But this may be an opportunity to look for ways to become more self reliant. It may be hard at first, but anything new is. It sounds like you have a little time left to start putting plans in place for worst case scenario. Maybe he can help with that now too, help keep his mind off things.

But here's the thing, and I say this from a place of kindness but I know it might be hard to hear. Many abusers have friends and family who love them dearly. Fiercely even.

I look back in my own experiences, one particularly nasty person sticks in mind. I wish some of those people who tbh...knew these person was a monster ...even though he was not to them... had refused to be his rock whilst he hurt women, not just me, with impunity.

Now I don't blame anyone for another person's...evils... but... from another perspective I also look back in my life now and recognise that I had people close to me, people who I loved, who were cruel to others too. That was made excuses for them just as others did for those who wronged me. That I turned a blind eye.

And now, well now I don't. Now I step away from people who are... lacking in moral fibre. Sometimes it hurts. But I don't wish to associate with people who hurt people. And I firmly believe that if we don't stand for something, then we stand for nothing.

I'm sorry that you may experience loss as a result of your brothers actions. That it will make life harder for you. You don't deserve the consequences for his evils. But perhaps this in an opportunity for you to step back and reassess who genuinely I'd healthy to have in your life. And who you're actually just keeping in it because of fear. Or perhaps, who is truly worthy of our love.

Be kind to yourself at least,moving forwards.
Start planning for future difficulties now.

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