Sorry could be a long one.
So I split with my fiancé in April last year, we'd been together 9 years. It seems like I'm in the "left a good man cos I wasn't in love with him" camp. He really is a decent man, of course not perfect as neither am I, but it just wasn't working for me. For years my libido was next to zero and despite all the tests nothing was ever discovered wrong so I was just left with conclusion that my hormones were to blame and maybe one day it would come back. I'm now ashamed to say that for so many years I forced myself to be intimate when my body was screaming at me not to. I'd tense up at his touch, I'd struggle to get turned on and would want it over as quickly as possible. I knew deep down this wasn't me, I'd previously had a great sex life, enjoyed it and was even quite open to different things. Now I'm not saying he forced me into anything, I always consented and sometimes enjoyed it, but he definitely knew things weren't right but would get frustrated if it went too long without sex. We tried to talk about it but it seemed a difficult subject for him, I buried the hurt and kept on as we were.
Cue late 2022 not long after starting a new job, I started feeling something for a guy at work (yes I'm that person, please don't judge) it was something I'd not felt in a long time for anyone, desire. Now before the pitch forks come out I didn't do anything, I've not fell in love with this guy and ran off but it was a catalyst to really look at how unhappy I was. I talked to my fiancé, I told him how things were and we tried to change some things. There was more wrong than just the sex, he was a bit lazy and rarely did anything special for me, took me for granted. He tried and I tried but it was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I couldn't unsee the hurt I'd been going through and the fact that it wasn't me that was broken (yes I felt broken). We split and the guilt for me was nearly overwhelming, he was gutted and so upset. I've had therapy, been told I'm depressed and have had very dark thoughts over the whole thing. I keep thinking I should have tried harder, that I'm a silly girl (42 btw) for having my head turned, that I'm letting him down by leaving. I've slowly worked on myself and getting to a better place, I keep writing down all the things he did that made me unhappy.
Anyway now to today, we've had little to no contact for six months but we've still had a lot of things to sort out. We had an investment which I have sorted alone to get money out, we still jointly own the house he lives in (I live with my mum) and for months I've been asking him to sit down and talk about what we're doing with it. He's avoided and avoided so I finally sent him an email stating what I'd like us to do and what I thinks fair. I want to move on and buy my own house. He's come back apologising for not being in touch, but he's still really hurting and it is, in his words, killing him.
I just went straight back to where I was with the guilt and the regret of hurting him, I can't seem to get passed it. He wants to meet up to talk things through but I know I'll see the pain in his eyes and feel shit all over again.
Should I feel this guilty? Am I really the bad guy in this?