How does a 40something learn to budget?

[Adhdeeedout]

My partner has ADHD and is really shit with money. His mother until recently always bailed him out. I was unaware of this and it stopped as soon as I was. He was only recently diagnosed and it makes a lot of sense now why he overspends and struggles but my sympathy is waning as he never learns- for a while I was convinced he was wiping his arse with money as I had no idea where it was going. I thought we had sorted out his inability to budget by having me take over budgeting and bills payment from the joint account but it seems not. He let his pride get in the way and I stupidly believed he could cope with the most important bill we have, The mortgage, from his own account (I don’t know why he did that, probably to prove he could)

I just discovered my partner didn’t have enough in his account to pay the mortgage this month. If I hadn’t discovered the letter I’d never have found out, he would not have told me.

His debt is his debt but I draw the line at household bills and especially mortgage not being paid. He was gifted the house and the small mortgage he took out 2 years ago was for big repairs that he hasn’t yet got done. At his suggestion I took the mortgage money away from him because he can’t be trusted not to fritter it away on day to day crap.

I see the struggles he has with basic organisation skills, it’s not like he’s deliberately incompetent but instead of communicating with me when he’s struggling, he pretends everything is ok.

We’ve been together 15 years and have 2 kids.

My circumstances have changed recently regarding my health and long term future and I need to know my kids will be safe and have a house over their heads until they’re old enough to go live on their own.

Are there any courses in Scotland that help fuckwits in their 40s learn to budget?

I really dont know what else I can do. Is it that some people are incapable of budgeting? Is it the dopamine rush of spending is greater than his need to keep his family safe ? How do I sort this before I am no longer able to?

Don't know about courses but there are systems.

In particular set the bills to go as soon as you are paid and then it's only "spare" money to fritter.

I don't think it's just a case of learning to budget, his brain is wired differently.
Has he sought help / medication for his ADHD?

He is on medication but that’s all they offer and there was a huge shortage so he had months with nothing until recentlyz

You'd be better off to have all family money go into one pot, and you organise direct debits so everything is paid on time. Relying on him just won't work - speaking from experience I'd say he will never learn.

You’re right @ShippingNews and I’ve offered but he refuses. His manly macho male pride won’t allow giving it all up. I do most of the budgeting but im not going to be here forever so he needs to know how to do it and stay safe. I need for my kids to be safe.

CAP uk offers courses but he’d need to want to do one.
alternative is opening an extra account like Monzo which has “pots” for budgeting money into so it’s a bit more visual?

Will changing the direct debit date help? I know it’s not a solution but if the mortgage leaves his account immediately after pay day then it will be paid.

He already has a Monzo account but he didn’t close the other one when the debt was paid off and got into debt again. He’s a fucking lost cause and I’m getting angrier the more I think about it.

It’s getting him to sit down and do it. He says he will then forgets.

My partner also has ADHD and is similarly bad with money.

I think your biggest issue here is not the ADHD but his pride, which is standing in the way of the sort of solutions you need in order to make a relationship work in this conditions.

One solution, for example, is for the more financially capable partner to be fully in charge. This is basically what we do. I also love personal finance and budgeting anyway, which is lucky, because I oversee all of the household finances in their entirety - with his full visibility and agreement, of course. I make sure all the bills are paid and savings accounts paid into and then he has his spending money (as do I) and we both spend that as we please, safe in the knowledge that the bills are paid.

Another solution is for the person with ADHD to fully commit to learning coping strategies.

Both of these solutions require your partner to put aside their pride and either accept full household financial delegation to you, or seek serious external help, support and education.

Having a condition like ADHD isn't an insurmountable issue, but having too much pride to surmount it in the ways available to you - well, that is.