Am I being too hasty

[Chocolateandchill]

Hi all

I lost my sister to cancer just four months ago, and her 60th birthday would have been last Thursday - on the same day as me and my partners first (dating) anniversary.

I mentioned it to him a week or so ago and we discussed that it could be a nice thing, her memory and our “anniversary”.

The day before, I hid a gift for my partner in his car, when he found it he asked me what it was for and I reminded him that the next day was our anniversary. He said he felt bad because he’d hadn’t given me anything and I said that it was okay, feeling bad was the opposite of what the gift was supposed to feel and I also said, please don’t feel panicked into sending me anything, but I just wanted to mark the day.

The next day I got a good morning message from him, but there was no mention of our anniversary, or the gift or any emotional support or mention about my sisters birthday. I didn’t hear from him all day and in the afternoon I called him to see if he was free and I said “it’d be really nice to talk to you today if you are”, so he called and we had a quick chat because he was busy at work.

later that evening around 7, he messaged to thank me for the gift and said he call after he’d showered, but still no Happy Anniversary or no interest in how the day had been for me because of my sisters birthday.

I was so hurt and there’s been fallout from now, he said he was distracted, that he did remember in the morning but it went out of his mind. I’m not sure which is worse, forgetting completely (even though I reminded him by giving him a gift), or the fact that he remembered but then forgot. The sad thing is, I wasn’t expecting anything other than an acknowledgment and i didn’t even get that.

I feel like I want to end it, but maybe im
being unreasonable and acting from my emotions - because there’s grief involved and I’m still feeling quite raw about my sister.

PleaSe and I have some of your always level headed advice. Thanks all xx

It was really thoughtless of him to forget about your sister. He needs to show he’s sorry about that - properly and honestly.

I agree, it was really awful of him to forget your poor sister. He doesn't sound very considerate and caring.

I guess I wasn’t really thinking about our anniversary because it’s not a wedding anniversary but I suppose it was two things in one day that he didn’t mention.

I don't get you linking something happy like some anniversary,to something sad ..
It's just very odd .
But it's not even a proper anniversary TBF
It's all a bit weird ,and I expect you made your bf feel awkward

Thanks.

I wouldn't have done the fake anniversary bit - I've not even got any idea when I started dating DH.

I would have expected him to call me to see how I was on my sister's birthday, bearing in mind how recently you lost her. And the fact that you'd mentioned it (presumably) the day before when you talked about your 'anniversary'. That just feels unsupportive and a bit uncaring.

It's a bit odd and OTT to give a gift after a year of dating, never done this ever, guaranteed to be awkward as no man would ever really remember or celebrate this usually- might be worthy of mention between you, but that's it.
Sorry about your sister, he should of remembered that.

If he’s otherwise a good guy it would be immature to dump and block him

but I think you do need to let him know that you are hurt and for two reasons:

that he forgot about it being your sister’s birthday (assuming he knew that)

you are grieving and need support from you partner. You feel he’s let you down. Can he listen to what you need (as what people want in grief can vary - some wouldn’t want to be reminded of a birthday), take it on board, make amends and show you he’ll do better in future?

Separately , if celebrating milestones are a thing for you, you need to consider how important that is to you, whether you can be happy without it, or whether he can make an effort on this for you.

sounds like he’s the type to not find this important so that will probably carry on being the case.

what did he do for your birthday?

A dating anniversary isn’t really a thing. I think it’s clear that it’s not something he’ll be celebrating, buying gifts for or remembering. And that’s completely normal.

I can kind of understand why he didn’t connect it to your sister’s birthday. He didn’t know your sister for long (?) and never celebrated a birthday with her. Her birthday is not a date that is significant to him.

I can well believe that you mentioned the connection with your sisters birthday a week ago and by a few days later he had forgotten, because again, a dating anniversary just isn’t a “thing”.

If he’s generally kind, caring and thoughtful I’d let this go.

Ah OP, in my world it's common to mark dating anniversaries too, not to the world but between the two of you, because you should still be in the honeymoon phase and it's a nice cute thing to acknowledge between yourselves. You said all you wanted and expected was an acknowledgement, not a card/flowers/SM fuss etc, which I think is a perfectly reasonable and lovely expectation. However now you know this isn't his view, it just wasn't important enough to him or in his radar. You need to communicate this to him or let it go to move forward, I don't think you should hastily end the relationship over this. Separate that from your grief though, he isn't responsible for making it better for you, but if he's a decent partner he should know that this is a big deal, it's not just a different opinion like the anniversary, it would be nice if he met your needs intuitively, but if he hasn't on this rather big point, talk to him and make it clear what support you need. Counselling is more appropriate to help you deal with your loss, but your partner should absolutely be part of your support network.

It's a red flag that he's self-centred and lacks empathy.

Completely agree with this.

This. I wouldn't have a clue when me and DP went on our first date and he probably wouldn't even know the year! I also wouldn't expect him to know - or make a big deal out of - anniversaries such as the birthday of a deceased relative. I understand it is important to you but if you've only been dating a year then chances are he wasn't close to your sister and never spent a birthday with her.

As @CharmedCult says, if he's generally kind and treats you well I would let it go.

As a side note, and from personal experience, I would never ever use "forgetting important dates" as a reason to break up with someone as I have never been with a man who remembers anything other than his own birthday! I'm sure there are exceptions out there but they must be few and far between!

It's not weird to mark the date you first got together. I really surprised reading pp. I have nothing else helpful to add but I didn't want you to be made to feel that was strange when it's not, I've always done that too op x

Me and DP celebrate our first date. We are not married and I suspect if we got married we wouldn’t celebrate. We just go for dinner out and no cars or present. It’s just marking another year and milestone.

but my mums first anniversary of her death. He didn’t say anything as he knew I had plans with my family. He did give me a big hug and I knew what it meant and made sure I had petrol and was on time. He is a man of few words.

he didn’t say anything about my mums birthday as he didn’t really know when it was. The first Mother’s Day without her, he took me out car shopping for him, clothes shopping and a wet walk as it made me avoid the whole mother’s day advertising, totally boring. Nothing said but I knew he was thinking about it and how I can avoid it.

my point is my DP doesn’t say much emotionally, but he thinks and will do practical things to suppprt. Took me a while a few arguments to realise he is supportive just in a different way.

Sorry for your loss, OP. You're still mourning your poor sister, of course you felt sad on what should have been her birthday. He should have remembered, as he's known you since before she died, and you told him this was her birthday.

How did he behave around the time of her death? Was he helpful and sympathetic to you then?

You must be feeling hurt that he didn't try to comfort you on her birthday. I would let him know this, and that it matters to you. if it's just that he felt awkward and didn't know what to say, that's a bit feeble but I wouldn't dump him for that. If he's generally unsympathetic, though, that would put me off.

I suppose most people don't remember dating anniversaries, but it's fair enough to mention it if it matters to you.