I think I hate my husband

[Permanentlyfrazzled]

I think I hate my husband. Is there any way back from this?!

I just...do not like him as a person anymore. I find it irritating just being in the same room as him.

I think this is a me thing - I can recognise that I am just bristling with resentment. This has stemmed from a number of betrayals of my trust, just in the past few months - not cheating, but other things, hiding money, then hiding debt, badmouthing me to my own family saying things that were just unforgivable, several aggressive arguments which made me genuinely scared of him for the first time. All of this has changed my view of him and shaken my trust in him.

The problem is I just cannot express any of this, because when I have tried to approach how I am feeling (about the above, or frankly anything else) I am met with a wall of defensiveness (it never happened) deflection (well don't you remember, you did this) and blame shifting (well I am also upset about XYZ...).

So the upshot is he is just acting like nothing has happened and I just have to carry it round, feeling increasingly sad and angry / there has never been a genuine sorry, never an attempt to make it up to me or to fix our relationship and I can't talk about how I'm feeling without being attacked. And frankly I've just lost respect for someone that can behave like that.

We've now got to the point that I don't want him anywhere near me, I'm tense when he is in the same room, I definitely don't want him touching me!

He wants to go to counselling (having made no other effort to make things right) but I just don't. I don't want to give him an opportunity to sit there and gaslight me for an hour every week like he does whenever I try and talk to him. I know counsellors have to see both sides so I do not think they will call out his behaviour (don't get me wrong, I know I have my stuff to work on too).

If it wasn't for our son I would have left years ago. Any words of wisdom? Should I just go to counselling? Any experiences of counselling with a man that behaves like this?

Or is it just dead in the water?

I imagine your son has really suffered in this environment and atmosphere and he’d have been far better off with parents that weren’t together

Just see a solicitor. If he doesn't want to discuss it, don't, he'll find out soon enough. Get your ducks in a row meantime, it really is better to not try to convince yourself that you are staying for your son. It's better he doesn't grow up in that atmosphere.

It’s probably dead in the water but I’d personally go to the counselling. Divorce means you lose some time with DS. Financially you’re worse off. And also you got married and made vows for a reason, that’s a commitment.
so I’d do the therapy and try at it and be honest with therapist that you feel shut off, he shut you down gaslights you and now you cba, you expect these sessions to be the same. A good therapist will help you both if it’s possible. If it’s not (and it may not be if he can’t accept any of his issues) then at least you know you tried and maybe you can reach a point where you’re 100% sure instead of 99% sure that you’re done with him, and then be more confident in your decision.

When trust and respect has gone there is really no way back. l would suggest counselling for yourself, not together, as you might well find your husband twists the narrative. This should help you clarify things and help you decide how to move forward either with or without him.

I doubt you will get much from counselling.

Probably best to see a solicitor.

It's never a good idea to go to counselling with an abuser. I agree with PP, go yourself if you feel you need to, but do not give this man the opportunity to do any more that will be to your detriment.

Staying for your son's benefit is not a good idea either, this is what he sees as how relationships should be and that doesn't bode well for his future or his future partners.

Be careful about what you share with your husband when you are making your decisions - when they feel they are losing control is when they escalate. Or he might suddenly be all sweetness and light, but that will be to fool you into thinking it'll be alright this time. It never is.

The best of luck to you @Permanentlyfrazzled and I hope you'll be able to change your username in due course

I’d suggest you say you want to do solo therapy first.

I felt about my husband much like you. I couldn’t say anything either because he would react so angrily. I was scared of setting off his rage.

I went to private therapy and she validated and helped me see how bad things were. She came right out and said he was an entitled bully and he was subjecting me to verbal and emotional abuse.

That helped me see that divorce was the only way forward.

The other thing is that joint counselling can sometimes be used as a way of making the end of a relationship more amicable. However if there is bullying, then it’s not recommended. There can be a real danger the bully will manipulate things to get their own way.

But tell him you’re not quite ready for joint counselling, but would like to see someone solo first. That doesn’t mean you have to agree to seeing someone with him at a later date. But it does mean you get a bit of breathing space and some help from an expert.

Your husband is abusive. There's nothing left to discuss. See a solicitor and set yourself free. The rest of your life is waiting for you.

Don't waste energy hating him. Use that energy to better you and your DS's life.

Don't go to counselling. Some of his behaviour is borderline abusive, so counselling wouldn't help, especially as he doesn't take responsibility for anything.

If you need support IRL, I found Women's Aid were good and really helped me clarify and put everything behind me.

Be kind to yourself and your son, remove yourself from this horrible man and start building a happier life.

I very strongly advise you to get out of this relationship.

I was trapped in a wretched marriage, with DC, right up until they had become adults. If you can get out, do. I couldn't afford to for decades, then an inheritance freed me to divorce him.

I feel the same. However my kids are very happy so for now I've decided Their happiness is more important than mine. Not saying that is what you should do just my situation.

My own stupid fault for marrying him!

Work out how to leave quickly and safely, OP. You're scared of him. For me, there would be no way back from that.

One, three, five years down the line and it will be even worse.

The rot has set in.

Dead in the water.

You're right op, counsellors often don't see through the gaslighting. Not a good idea.

Ltb.

I seem to be posting this article constantly, but it may help, OP. It certainly opened my eyes to some of my DH's behaviours:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/the-insidious-damage-caused-by-covert-emotional-abuse

As a therapist, I would not do joint sessions where one partner did not feel they could be open because they were scared of the others responses - its pretty well know as a risk factor for escalation of violence. Maybe do some individual work, and he can too - but beware that people who dont take any responsibility for their own actions often use therapy as a way to justify themselves, even if the therapist is trying to challenge them.