I can’t stop hating my parents

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I’m 40 something , I have had talk therapy. I thought I had managed to deal with / accept the way they were - then yesterday they do something and it has had a massive affect on my mental and emotional wellbeing. I have cut them off twice in the past - but as they are getting older I’ve tried to give them allowances.
i know people who’s parents have been really rubbish yet those people don’t hate their parents as deeply as I do. (With my parents it’s just sibling favouritism. I won’t go into the specifics as it is outing)

the amount of hate I feel is really affecting me so much - and I hate the fact that it does!

please give me your tips on how to stop hating , how to put this to bed as if were. I’ve had such rubbish day today a because it’s so overwhelming.

I mean make allowances,

You haven't really said why you hate them so much?

My parents were toxic and I finally realized you can't make the insane sane, its out of my control and as it would never change, stopped all contact, best decision ever! Best of luck, it is definitely not easy and not even explainable to most who haven't been there.

Why give them allowances for being older when they didn't offer the same courtesy to you when you were younger?

@Terrribletwos it’s only sibling favouritism . I hate that this affects me as deeply as it does.

Perhaps accepting how strongly you feel, rather than trying to change it, might in time help the feelings recede.

Have you tried practicing acknowledging the hurt and then deciding to think about something else instead?

Your posts come across as a little contradictory - it is 'only' sibling rivalry, but it must be rather bad because it has impacted you greatly. Are you trying hard to downplay what happened? This may not help you.

Well then perhaps you could stop trying. Accept the fact that you hate them (for good reason), and be done with it.

You are under no obligation to stop hating them for the way they have treated you all your life. You don't have to try and forgive them or lessen your feelings in any way. Your feelings are justified.

Well 'only siblings favoritism' isn't just an 'only' imo. Especially if you're the family scapegoat. If it's implied they are perfect and you, can do nothing right...that can fuck you up for life.

You can be left...indecisive, fearing that any decision you do make will be wrong, so incapable of acting. Which in turn, can make you feel like you are lazy. And, may feed that narrative they have or that you fear they have of you.

It can cause you to feel like a failure every time you make a wrong choice. Or even, when you do act and it goes wrong, to blame yourself irregardless of how it went wrong.

It can make you date toxic people because you fall for the initial lovebombing because you just want someone to love you like that. Like you're their priority. Or potentially, to date cold asked people like your parents because that's a familiar dynamic to you.

It can leave you a desperate people pleaser. Always needing to 'earn' being liked. Even with people potentially, who are not nice human beings.

Or it can leave you isolating from the world. Because you've been taught that you aren't special and people don't care about you so you can only rely on yourself. That if you go out into the world you will be hurt and ignored.

So it's not only favoritism. It's potentially treatment that shaped your whole life. Left you feeling 'not enough'. Thus inviting other bad people to treat you similarly.

And if this is the case, no wonder you are angry. By forcing yourself to see them, you are essentially carrying out self harm. Your body is rebelling with rage because you know, you KNOW you ARE good enough. But every time you see them it's like you're telling yourself they are right and you aren't all over again. It's not healthy.

It's time to choose you.

@LightSwerve

it’s not ‘just’ to me - but I can imagine someone might think “ how can she possibly feel so much hate for something that is ‘just’ favourtism . I know there are worser things parents have done and children who don’t hate them so much - I don’t like the fact I’m so unforgiving.

I like the idea of acknowledging the hate and validating it. It does make me feel a bit better about it 😳 which is surprising.

They do say the best revenge is living well. Easier said than done, but it is important to find people who do value you - rather than continuing to seek validation from those who cannot/will not give it.

I would imagine any decent talk therapy is about acknowledging and validating your emotions, no? I think you just need to feel the anger, and all the associated feelings. Perhaps when you were younger these feelings were very squashed by your parents/ you were dismissed or told you shouldn’t feel like that. As you seem to have internalised the idea that you shouldn’t feel this way.

I also think underneath anger, there are usually softer feelings, hurt, rejection, humiliation etc, and it can be very healing to uncover and identify these. Approaching your emotions with compassion - thinking what you might say to say 8yr old you (I imagine you wouldn’t tell her ‘don’t be so stupid’).

@Pinkbonbon im worried you know who I am, from what you’ve written.
I do/ am all those things - I never realised it stemmed from being treated differently by my parents.

everything - is exactly 💯.

i am trying to forgive and be civil and present like nothing has happened- but I can’t and then hurting because of it.

thank you for this 🌺

Thank you for the responses, they’ve been really helpful

Have no fear, I do not know you. Just had a gran that made me the scapegoat and recognise was it can affect people moving forwards.

I think forgiving must be nigh on impossible because they are still doing the same thing. For me, forgiveness is for people who are truly sorry. Not for people who carry on the same hurtful behaviour irregardless. And every time you witness an example of it, even if it seems like a little thing, it's like they are thumbing their nose at you and all the hurt they at least, contributed to in your life.

An outsiders perspective may be to sit them down and have an actual chat with them.about how their behaviour affected you and give them.a chance to apologise and change. Perhaps then there could be forgiveness.

However, in my own experience ìts most likely their favoritism is intentional. That its intent was to make you feel how it has. That any attempt to discus it would be met with claims that you are the problem ('as usual'). And perhaps (depending on theur degree of malignancy) even a...sort of smugness that you are upset.

We never like to think that people who are supposed to love us, mean us harm. But some people are like playground bullies throughout their lives. They pretend to be your friend but it's only to exploit you and to twist the knife in all the harder once they feel they have your trust. It's how they get their kicks. How they feed.

I don't know if you feel they genuinely aren't bad people and would understand and change it you talked with them? But I suspect they may be more like the school bully variety...and the best advice with school bullies is - to keep away. And never, ever tell them your weaknesses.

If you do want to maintain contact (which you don't have to btw!) , it might help to be really self affirming - So for example before a visit look in a mirror and say 'I have worth and value and I matter. Other people's opinions are just their opinions and not a reflection of me'. Keep any visits brief. And maybe debrief and decompress via some journalling afterwords.

If you can find a nice therapist to talk with who makes you feel safe and comfortable then that might also help you work through things.

Good luck!