Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice

1 reply

Solomarie · 16/01/2024 12:40

Looking for someone to either talk to or some advice, me an my partner have been together 2 years now we now have a 6month old who we both love very much, to delve into what I need advice or just to get off my chest I guess is withing 6 months of being with each other I fell pregnant, we both agreed and made the tough decision that we both weren't ready, which was a bit tough for me mentally as I had gone through a abortion at 21 before so never guessed I would be in this situation at 37 years old! But I knew we where still trying to get to know each other, 3 months after the abortion I fell pregnant again! Was so upset didn't want to go through another abortion in the same year! Not only that my mental health wasn't prepared to go through it again! So I gave my partner a choice if he wasn't ready he didn't have to stick around despite the fact that I never wanted to be a single parent and he knew this is why I have waited to have children, mentally I couldn't go through that again and knew I wasn't going too, so he decided to stay, which was great to my relief, as my pregnant wasn't a difficult experience, my mental health however took a toll as well as my hormones didn't help, so It all bring up some past events that happened in my childhood which related to abuse also became very paraniod and anxious, I started to worry alot about everything, and it took its toll on my state of mind an our relationship, I became controlling to my partner and paraniod he was upto something, I decided to speak out about my mental state and started therapy, I was diagnosed with PTSD during pregnancy with all the stuff that had happened in the past, so was then transferred to CBT which didn't start till after I gave birth baby was around 3 months old by the time I eventually got to see a therapist to work through my mental health, after a traumatic birth which didn't help my mental state and my trust in the NHS as I had traumatic experiences when I was a child which was part of my PTSD also, so I had postnatel depression, I felt awful and what made it worse I didn't think the baby was mine, so it was yet again putting a strain on the relationship, through pregnancy and after birth me and my partner had many arguments and fall outs he threatened to leave 4 times, called me many names psychotic, paraniod and then called me a mess, which dosent help with my trust for him and feeds into my paranoia, which I have mentioned to him, he has told me to control my emotions while pregnant and after which I didn't know how he expected someone to do, so that's a bit of history am not saying I wasn't to blame but he says now that he feels he's walking on egg shells and I stress him out, and blames me for everything that went wrong and is going wrong, I will take part of the blame but not all the blame, he is a lorry driver and has had a very tough year with work being less and less and alot of company's going under because of the recession, and little work, I feel he was too stressed and worried about his work so when I needed him emotionally he was never there which ended up in arguments, or he would never have anything to say to me, but he blames me for his stress and he can manage his stress at work which he has been taking out on me, maybe not directly but indirectly he has been, I am one that would rather work things out there and then but he would ponder on it and drag it out for days, which was very emotional and depressing, so lastnight he was busy doing something so I decided to put this program on telly while he was busy cooking, so we had dinner and he sat down changed the telly over, I got upset as he didn't ask, like he always does he just takes over, so I did say I was watching that but he ignored it and carried on with what he wanted to watch, do I got upset as I felt like he was being controlling in that moment, so he asked why I was crying and getting upset, I said its ok but he persisted to know, but didn't really want to know if you get what I mean, so I told him, he then says I am pathetic getting upset over a program, I said no thats not what I was getting upset about, I said you didn't ask if I was still watching the program I clearly was watching, he then said I didn't think you'd want to watch something with dead bodies in while eating, I said them sort of things don't bother me, so I asked did it bother you he wouldn't answer, so I did say maybe if you communicated that I would of understood what you where doing instead of coming in and changing it over, I then said to him that he would get upset if I turned his game off half way through him playing it, he wouldn't answer to that either, instead he called me pathetic and walked away, which he always does instead of resolving a situation he would rather walk away, so I got angry and we ended up having a big argument he went off in the bedroom texting on his phone I said who's so important to text when we have issues to resolve he then gave me his phone so I out of frustration and yes my paranoia got the better of me in that moment and I had a look through his phone infront of him he then said that's it I am leaving so I said is this to get a reaction from me like before? Because ypu didn't get the reaction you want, he said no its because I looked through his phone, I said that's a bit pathetic if you have nothing to hide and you have a family you would really give up on it because I looked through your phone? So he got his stuff and said I will be back tomorrow to sort out what I said I would do i said I don't want anything from you, so he said can I come over tomorrow to get my stuff, I said do what you want, he them stood there, I honestly think he expects me to beg for him to stay, I was of course in tears, but as he decided to walk out the door I fought against my believes of being weak and asked him to stay! Which I have never done before as I see begging a weakness, so he told me I need to stop disrespecting him talking down to him, and to just know what ever he does is for me an baby whether he shows it or not, so I agreed, is this wrong or? I think I have agreed to it because maybe I have given up fighting my corner, I have no friends as I lost them when I got pregnant, so have no one to talk too so this is my last resort which hoes against everything I believe by writing this on a social media platform but I am in need of getting it all off my chest and maybe some guidance from someone would help?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 16/01/2024 15:09

You got pregnant by accident 3 times with the first 2 ending in abortion? Why are you so poor with contraception? First job is to make sure it's cast iron because it's bashed your MH, it would be bad for you to go through that again.
It's a hard read as there are no full stops and paragraphs, and it's very long, so it looks like it's all spilling out at fast rate. However, I wonder if your mind is working overtime in general, rather than it just being your writing style.

In what ways were you controlling to him? You seem to have accepted that he was not up to anything and it was all your paranoia, was there any proof or signs to back it up, or was it purely a feeling? You say you went through his phone, but don't mention finding anything, was there anything? Who was he texting?
Turning off your TV programme, and then ignoring you when you said you were watching it, was ignorant of him and a dig at you whilst asserting his power. It could be born out of resentment, I'm sure he has a lot as it does seem you've been hard to live with, and maybe he wasn't happy about cooking while you watched tv and it was his way of getting back at you. Your reaction to what was a mild passive-aggressive act was huge though. Crying over what he did shows you are indeed in a fragile and sensitive state.
I think you need couples counselling as well as your own as you are not communicating effectively.
He's probably held a lot in from what's gone on and is now bitter about it. Its good you have sought support. He's not helping but he might be angry and confused by it all himself.
You need strategies to communicate differently. Time will tell if outside support helps matters. It's hard to tell if manipulation is going on without understanding his side.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread