Family estrangement - any advice?

[sidsparrownew]

So after a long and troubling relationship with my Dad I decided to cut ties. It's not a decision I took lightly but in the end I did it for the sake of my mental health which in turn can only be better for DC1 and DC2. The issue is DC1 and DC2, age 3 and 6, don't know about it yet and pretty soon they're going to ask to see their Grandparents, and I don't know what to say. DC1 and DC2 love their Grandparents, but I can't have a relationship with them anymore due to how they treated me when I lived them, - not abusive but very emotionally neglectful to the point the school had to step in and suggested I Iive elsewhere, which I did. I thought in adulthood our relationship had improved but as soon as DC1 was born it was like my Dad stopped seeing me, it's as though he tolerates me to be with the Grandchildren. I'm often shut down, ignored, boundaries not respected, and when this happens it causes me so much stress, anger and anxiety because it brings up the past for me.

My question is, how do I explain to my children why we won't be seeing them anymore? What happens if they send presents to DC1 and DC2 at Birthdays, Christmas?

"DC1 and DC2 love their Grandparents, but I can't have a relationship with them anymore due to how they treated me when I lived them, - not abusive but very emotionally neglectful to the point the school had to step in and suggested I Iive elsewhere, which I did".

That was abusive on their part, do not further minimise what they did towards you. Abuse also is not just physical in nature. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose the low road. Indeed if they are too difficult/abusive/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your children also.

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make.

Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Do they have another set of grandparents; if they are nice - and importantly emotionally healthy - then concentrate on them.

If they send items for birthdays and or Christmas do not acknowledge but forward on to a charity shop. Radio silence from you must be maintained; no contact is precisely that.

It sounds as if their treatment of you was, and is, very painful. I wouldn't explain to your kids as such, if they ask to see them just say "we're busy today" and fill the time with something else, at least for now. Presents are tricky. Can you tell them not to send them, or send them back? Are you able to move house and not tell them where, if you need to totally cut them off? Good luck.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you so much for your response. You're right, I do minimize because I see it as unintentional on their part because I believe them to be emotionally immature, but there's more to it than that, and so I do agree that they were abusive. I've always found their eagerness to be Grandparents deeply uncomfortable, and recently the penny dropped. Clearly I want to protect my children from the people who hurt me, - I feel it physically, and I shouldn't ignore that any longer. I keep thinking, if that's how they can treat me, then how will they treat them in time?

DP's parents are great, and we get on so well with them, unfortunately they live a distance away so only get to see them a couple of times a year. I think our 5 year plan is to move closer to them. However, we are in touch very regularly with facetime.

You're so right about being very matter-of-fact. I'm quite like that anyway, but good to keep it in mind for situations like these. I really appreciate you mentioning that. Thanks again.