What could it be.

[mogglemoo]

Over the last 6 months my husband of several decades has become more withdrawn- not just with me, but with his hobby friends too.

He has now appeared to have had a total breakdown. He has seen the doctor and been prescribed anti-d’s and a referral has been made to the CMHT- we await their call. He sits shaking, staring into space, and will not talk to anyone. These behaviours have become more pronounced since Christmas. It is a daily battle to take his medication.

He has admitted there is something that he is keeping from us and I think this is causing his distress. Thing is, our relationship is over. The above behaviours have extended to our adult children still living at home and has caused them significant upset (older child has MH issues). There is nothing that he can tell me has happened (him being gay, trans, fucked up at work, affair, secret family) that will change my now feelings (except if he has been assaulted-I’ve asked and he said no to this). I genuinely believe he is punishing himself for something.

How can I get him to talk. I feel this is the only way he will recover, but what do I know?

What do I need to do to keep myself healthy and able to support my children?
Please help…

Caused harm (financial, career, physical?) to someone else and the guilt is affecting him?

I'm not sure I follow your logic here.

He's had a breakdown, been to the doctor, has been given medication and is now awaiting a referral for further treatment.
What is it exactly that you want from him? He's doing probably the best he can right now.

You say your relationship is over. Why? Because he's had a breakdown and been distant for 6 months? Or was the relationship over before? I really hope you haven't ended the relationship of several decades because he's been struggling for a few months. That would be horrible.

And the, despite the relationship being over, you say:
"How can I get him to talk. I feel this is the only way he will recover"

Why would you be the one he needs to talk with? Why would you assume you are the one who provides him with a safe space free of judgement, when you've basically said the relationship is over and you resent him for the upset his mental health problems have caused your adult children?
Why on Earth would he want to talk to you?

Please, if he's been any kind of decent husband to you over the past decades, give the man some space! He's obviously dealing with something very intense, he's sought help. Now let him get some counseling, let the medication take effect and be patient!

My question is, why do you think he needs to confess to anything, he's poorly and not thinking straight, you'll soon find out what the ailment is but trying to push him to confess to something will only add to his stress, give him space, wait for the results and take it from there.

Does he tell you he doesn't know why it's happening?

Have you suggested a private therapist?

He’s been to the doctor, been given medication and is choosing not to take it or engage in any of the support the GP, friends with lived experience of poor MH have suggested.

I know that I may be the issue. Most probably. And I know it was a good marriage before this. And there were never any secrets, always able to talk about things, so I guess that’s why I would hope I would be his ‘go to’ person. And I have asked who else could he talk to, made a referral for counselling for him (he will not commit to speaking once we get an appointment), won’t make an appointment with the doctor, won’t go to get his bloods checked (GP asked, just in case it is physical and not psychological).He has deteriorated so much in the last week

He is dealing with something intense, but he hasn’t and won’t seek help. That’s the worry.

"He has admitted there is something that he is keeping from us and I think this is causing his distress."

I think you are right. He is causing this to himself because of something he did. He can't handle the (possible) consequences and is trying to elicit as much sympathy from everyone before the 'thing' is revealed. He's probably hoping that when it comes out, everyone will say: 'Oh, poor thing, look how much this has bothered him. Let's not be too hard on him.'

Perhaps you think the same and that is why you say your relationship is over.

Has he always been selfish in a way?

Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick, maybe I'm just cynical.

You may have this the wrong way around. My father is withdrawn and delusional. All the result of an unresolved long-term infection. According to him, he is waiting for his twenty lashes each day for fraudulent use of scout group funds; he has to hide from the neighbour opposite for some daft reason. It is all utter baloney.....purely delusional.

what I am saying is as a result of this undiscovered low-level infection, he became paranoid and delusional. he hardy speaks a word. The cause may differ but sounds similar i suggest pursuing Mental health diagnosis

Many people don't engage with the help needed, especially with mental health issues, look at the severe cases of anorexia.

Sorry but it seems like you've taken your husbands mental health issues and made it about yourself. You even give more credance and priority and actually anger to your sons mental health and blaming that on your husband too...

I mean it sounds as if he is in the middle of a mental breakdown. He isn't going to be able to talk or function until he gets treated. Can you get him to A and E?

Just off the phone to the doctor. He has an emergency appointment tomorrow that I have been asked to get him to attend.

I hope that he can engage with them and he can be supported to better mental health. I will do whatever is necessary to facilitate this.

I’m scared, worried about him and struggling but, yes, I would prioritise my son’s health over his- surely that’s what any parent does?

I understand where you are coming from. When someone is in mental health crisis it can seem like they are selfish but you need to understand they really can't help it. He's not thinking straight, the thing he can't tell you might be something he is catastrophising and this is tormenting him. It might be something totally trivial that he's blown up into something big in his head.

Medication will take time to work - hopefully services will support you through this. You are right to look after yourself and your kids but, you say you've had a good marriage, please don't abandon him now. He will hopefully get through this crisis and be the person he was again.

I know that I may be the issue. Most probably. And I know it was a good marriage before this.

Why would you think you are the issue?

I have seen situations of older people suddenly getting flashbacks of abuse from their childhood and it sending them into a downward spiral. It can cause huge problems and shame even though they are totally not responsible. Some cases in court here have had old friends contacting each other when they remember a neighbour/ teacher/ sport coach and it causes hugh upset as the memories come flooding back. That's what l thought of with your dh. Give him time and space and it may be easier for him to talk to an outsider.

Obviously your DH needs help and I do hope he attends his appointment.

Whatever it is that has caused this could be real or imagined: for example, intrusive thoughts about something he has done or might do characteristic of OCD. These thoughts can be hugely powerful. They might not even be ‘real’ to you or me despite being very real to him and so ‘bad’ he can’t even risk talking about it. Whatever it is, he is clearly not well and needs professional help.

I would also suggest that you seek counselling and support yourself as talking this through with someone might be helpful for you.

You say you had a good marriage before all this happened but your feelings have changed since your husband became unwell. It’s hard for sure but that seems very stark?. Perhaps there is no need to prioritise your child over your husband; they can both be a priority? Seek support for yourself for the emotions (and anger) you are experiencing. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry but it can lead you to make decisions that are ultimately damaging.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs. Keep communicating with his GP and the mental health team. He needs your support more than ever. If you can’t provide that support then tell the GP as it makes your husband even more vulnerable.

In sickness and in health, eh?

As other posters have pointed out, there could be a bit more to this than is immediately apparent.

Is he generally lucid and coherent aside from the reluctance to talk about the "issue" affecting him?

The reason I ask, is it's not uncommon for people to slip into a delusional state or a psychosis and become completely fixated on an idea or notion that doesn't actually exist in reality. That could be caused by an infection, not just a mental illness, and reluctance to take psychiatric medication can also be a tell-tale sign even though that is also common in people with more typical depressive episodes. In delusional people they can be convinced it's something far more sinister than it is in reality, and part of a plot or conspiracy to control or poison them.

You'd think a GP or whatever would immediately pick up on this, but if he isn't being entirely open and honest, is being guarded about what he admits to, or is just straight up lying, then it is entirely possible a GP will miss it.

@mogglemoo how are things now?