I can't do this anymore

[Gff]

This is the second time im posting on here. The last time I posted here was a year and a half ago. For those of you who are clueless..

I'm 27 with two kids. Married now for almost 3 years and have been with my DH from the age of 14. When I was 19 I cheated but I ended the relationship with the person it happened with. It was very stupid of me and when I look back at my life, I wish I could erase that part of it.

It has affected the way I view myself in every way possible. For example, when a topic concerning cheating comes up, it could be with my friends or other people generally. I end up not knowing what to say. I feel like I can't say it's something I wouldn't tolerate or is wrong because I feel like I should be the last person to have the audacity to say that. ( Meaning that I now even comprise my opinions on my morals) out of fear of being judged.

This past week, I find myself physically sick. To the point where my kids can be talking to me and I can't even hear what they saying. It's like I'm existing in another planet. I'm forever in my head. I become irritable for no reason at times. And I realised it's all because I feel that I don't deserve them. I have never done anything like that after things ended with the guy but I feel soo underserving of my husband and kids. I can't even let my guard down and be genuinely happy.

I feel like a fraud and part of me feels like it's damn if I do and damn if I don't. If he knows, I will lose him and the kids, which is my entire world. If I don't tell and he finds out later in life he will leave me anyway. There are times where I'm just having a good time with him and the kids and then something in my mind just says don't forget what you did. And the fear just creeps up on me all over again. I feel dirty most days for harbouring such. So so dirty.

My kids adore their father. They are already used to having their two parents together all the time. I'm also close to his family as well. This is going to shake our entire world if he knows. I ask myself what will everyone say, the perception of me will be out of the window.

I have been very emotional today. I don't know what's happening. I am anxious, my heart feels like it will jump out of my chest and I feel like I can't breathe . Also been getting constant terrible headaches. I'm not even the victim here so I can imagine how he will feel 😞

Oh how I wish I can go back in time. I didn't even know we would end up where we are now. Happily married with kids and all..

Sounds like you need some counselling and antidepressants. You sound very anxious.
You made one mistake, and learned from it, forgive yourself.

Yes, definitely sounds like you need some therapy
Forgive yourself

You’ve been berating yourself with this for eight years? That is not healthy for you. Agree with PPs. Get some therapy to help you release the guilt. Do you know why you did it? I would guess low self esteem or the fact that you got together with your DH so young. Whatever the reason, therapy will help you move forward. And honestly, if you’ve been beating yourself up with this for 8 years I really don’t think you will do it again. You’ve learned from it which is a massive positive - lots of people don’t!

I agree you need some counselling. Don’t set off a hand grenade in your family, get some help and hold off any decisions. We all make mistakes, most of us anyway. There’s things I wish I could erase too.

You were 19. It’s really not a common occurrence for someone to get together with their dh at 14 and never sleep with anyone else.I’m not surprised you succumbed to having sex with someone else!

Forget about it - this is your anxiety talking and the cheating is the focus but probably not the cause.

@UtterlyButterly2048 he was away with work for about a year. He would come home in between but after months then go back again. Felt very lonely and with myself being so emotionally immature to handle all that I was feeling, I have into the guy that was giving me attention. When I look at the woman that I am today I can't even relate with who I was. It breaks my heart that I did that. DH still goes away for long periods of time due to work and I have never thought about doing such. I don't even want to be with another man but him.

Guess it depends what your conscience allows you but i for one would be pretty gutted if I found out the person I chose to share my life fully with had lied and kept lieing throughout the relationship. These things usually come out eventually and I can guarantee you when it does the reaction will be severe. Men have a big ego when it comes to these things and this will destroy him. Hopefully he can find someone who actually cares about him and not about their own self preservation.

gave in*

I second all the calls for therapy. You can’t be carrying this guilt for the rest of your life, it’s driving you mad.

You’re not supposed to meet the love of your life at 14. You’re just not. Honestly, try to put it behind you. You’re human. You’re not perfect. Neither is your husband.

Another vote for therapy here.

@Mambo1986 with all due respect, I do care about my DH. Deeply. And I know that you feel like if I cared I wouldn't have done what I did let alone keep such from him. But I do. Just because I did such doesn't mean I don't care.

This isn’t a normal reaction - this is anxiety at the very least. It’s also not fair on the kids as you’re not present for them - you’re wallowing so much in the past in something that is done and that you can’t change. It makes no sense but maybe your anxiety isn’t letting you see that.
you need counselling to help you move past this so you don’t waste more years. I wish you all the best; try to be kind to yourself and move on.

Projecting much? 🙄

How has she lied? Its a different partner...

@gff. Ok, so you were lonely and probably a bit selfish? I say that because most people are selfish at 19. Although you were an adult in the eyes of the law, you are still developing at 19, still learning who you are and what you want. I can say with utter certainty I was an absolute dick at 19!
Be careful with the narrative that you “gave in” to attention though . I don’t believe affairs are a mistake, they are a choice. You chose to do something which you have now learned makes you feel shit and isn’t who you want to be. Get some therapy to ensure you take responsibility (you will never truly forgive yourself if you don’t) but also to give yourself some leeway. You were not a fully formed adult, you have learned from this and paid a massive price. Therapy will help you untangle this and move forward.

Don't let that one mistake turn into a really huge mistake. That's what it will be if you split your family over this. You've punished yourself for far to long, become a better person, you know you'll never do it again. What good will come off telling your dh or splitting your family? What good comes of keeping part of yourself back from your children or dh, or not allowing yourself to be happy with them? That's punishing yourself even more, and them too. You don't need to be doing this.

Your anxiety is running away from you. Speak to your GP about it (not about the fling, just about your anxiety in general), get some medication and therapy, and then hopefully you'll be able to put this into some sort of prospective.

You have a family that you love and who love you. It's time to allow yourself to enjoy that.

@90yomakeuproom I'm still with my husband that I started dating when I was 14. I don't know if the OP is referring to that by lying maybe. That our whole life together has been a lie, meaning that's how she would. Sorry I'm thinking that's what she is implying by the lying.

Oh for God's sake shut up. She was 19. She'd been going out with him since she was 14 and he was working away for long periods of time. Most relationships would have ended under those circumstances.

Why are you worried he will hear about it now? Is the guy you were seeing still hanging around?

Didn't you just post the opposite on a thread where a man had cheated on his wife and you said it's just how it is and it's something women have to basically accept?
Bit of a hypocrite aren't you?

So only okay if a man cheats? Or do you just like to mess with people when they are down?

@determinedtomakethiswork a part of me is worried yes. I met the guy in my neighborhood but he is not originally from my neighbourhood. He was just staying here for a while at the time but eventually moved. So I'm just afraid at times that some people knew and if that's the case maybe they will one day tell I don't know. Like I don't know what to think.

I also don't want you guys to think that I don't feel responsible for this mess. I fully acknowledge that what I did is very questionable and very out of character for aswell. I don't even think I would think things through at that age. But yes, overall I'm very afraid. Also makes me sad that this anxiety and fear might rub off on my kids. I want them to enjoy me as a mom.

Dear @Gff ,
I also agree with the therapy suggestions. You really need to start forgiving yourself.

People grow, change and evolve. And they mostly do this because they learn from their mistakes. You made a mistake, one that a LOT of people have made before you. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you unworthy of your husband and your children. It makes you human.

You have done everything you can to make up for your mistake. You've ended the relationship and you've never done anything like this since. That's it, you're done giving penance.

There is no reason now to drop a bomb under your marriage and potentially wrech your childrens lives and stability, over something that happened so long ago and is in no risk of happening again. And honestly, when people say that these things tend to come out... No, they don't actually. Sometimes they do, but a lot of the times they don't. Especially if that other man isn't a part of your life anymore.
If you feel like you want to confess, make sure it's because YOU want to, not because of guilt or fear.
And just be kind to yourself. You were 19. Nobody's supposed to get everything right at 19.

It's time to take stock, you were a young 19 year old, you really do need to put this to rest and move on because this anxiety over it is destroying you but what would destroy you and your husband even more is a confession, it might lighten your load but possibly and it's not a given, destroy your family. If your husband hasn't found out by now he never will. I agree with everyone else that counselling will help and maybe a visit to the Doctor because this is taking over your life and life is way too short, your children are your priority don't destroy their childhood over a guilt from years ago, let the guilt go you've more than made up for it. It just shouts out to me what a good person you are, people have affairs without a second thought, so please take our advice and start moving forward leaving the past behind x