Do i speak first? (I always do)

[noideamumma]

Me and my partner have had somewhat of a disagreement, or even a non-shouting argument. He was none stop nitpicking about things that I haven't done or things that I have done but not good enough for him. All based on cleaning (he is a bit particular with cleaning) barring in mind i have 2 children under 2, i try my damn best! even while his mum was here, it all got too much, and I just started crying.All my partner had to say was 'she's only doing it because your here' then we didnt speak. I said how embarrassing it was that evening. I said I'm fed up with the lack of communication and he just says I'm fed up too, and I slept downstairs he was at Work all day yesterday came home didn't say a word to me went to bed and now he's back at Work.

The question is, is this acceptable behaviour just completely blanks me but then in turn, I'm kind of doing the same because I'm always the one to run to him I'm always the one to apologise even if I wasn't in the wrong is he expecting me to do the same as I always do? it's really sad I hate being in a house where the atmosphere is just awkward. I contemplated going to my mum's for a few nights but i know he will turn nasty no doubt. Hes easy enough in an argument to just say 'well leave then' so do I approach him and try and resolve this, or do I let him come to me Which is unlikely, but there's only so long this silence can go on for?

Thank you :)

Having little ones is hard, but having a partner like him makes it twice as hard. Free yourself, then he can do his cleaning just the way he likes it.

Are the kids his? Does he do his share of chores?

There’s another thread running at the moment who is dealing with the silent treatment from her male partner. Many of us have been there and it’s cruel and totally demeaning,

This is abuse and within a marriage is called “unreasonable behaviour.”

You have little ones so advice to leave him might be challenging for you to expedite. However, perhaps you will feel empowered if you start making an exit plan now. Meanwhile don’t have any more babies with him.

Don’t dig an even deeper hole for yourself.

@EVHead yes they are his children. And he will have a manic clean on one of his days off, other than that i do it through the week. He just says he does the things i dont do...he tells me its fine dont worry about cleaning one minute (but i always do have a clean around regardless) and then the next he is on at me about not doing it well enough? So confusing

If he’s particular about cleaning then he should clean. Let me guess, because he works he doesn’t do anything at home? Home chores are 50:50, it doesn’t mean each has to do 50% of each task but it does mean that if you’re doing 100% of the cleaning then he should be doing something like 100% of the cooking, or similar.

I was back at work full time whilst DP was on mat leave. I did my damndest to make up for my work time through doing things like night feeds, morning wakings, house work, cooking (not to say I got it right every time or didn’t have blind spots of course).

What does he do re childcare, house work, etc? And again, if he’s particular about cleaning then he should do it. We all have quirks or things we like done just so - it’s not on our partners to accommodate them, particularly when it’s unreasonable (hint, like when you have 2 under 2).

@Tukmgru he dosent do anything to help with the girls unless i ask, he is very much 'its your job, i go to work earn the money' situ. He will cook for him and I 1-2 times a week, and will sometimes have a clean of the house when he is off work. Other than that, thats it

But regardless of him moaning about the cleaning, shall i talk to him and break the silence? Or still allow it and hope he comes to me?

The first part of your post was fairly normal bickering about housework when you have small children. Then he said you’re only crying because his mum’s there and then this bit

”. I contemplated going to my mum's for a few nights but i know he will turn nasty no doubt. Hes easy enough in an argument to just say 'well leave then'

He’s past the point of no return- you are moderating your behaviour because he turns nasty and he tells you to leave when you step out of line.

It’s time to line up your ducks, sorry.

Let him come to you. Ignore him till then. He's a man child

@blackpanth he really is a man child. Lol

@pickledandpuzzled you are right, i always try not to say the wrong thing to save the outbursts and the no communication.

So that’s coercive control. You’re walking on eggshells to avoid outbursts. He gets what he wants by making life unbearable of you don’t comply.

Doesn't sound like a supportive or fulfilling relationship. Do you think this is as good as it gets for you?

He sounds childish, unpleasant and unreasonable and is showing you no love, care or respect. You are already walking on eggshells around him.
I would take the children and go to stay with your Mum for a few days whilst you plan your exit strategy.
As the pp has said his treatment is a form of coercive control, please don't subject yourself or your girls to this.

@Branleuse yeah i guess i do? It hurts to even think about being without him even though i know the things he says/actions are wrong, just shows the lack of respect i have for myself but he makes me feel lost without him in a way

Ach op this makes me feel sad for you.

I think he knows you are emotionally dependent on him and is taking advantage of that.

I think you need some counselling to build up your self esteem.

He doesn’t show you a lot of respect speaking like that about you in front of his mother. He shouldn’t be criticising you in front of her anyway.

I would not break the silence and would go and stay at your mum’s. Don’t say anything just leave a note. And I would spend a few days contemplating if you want to be in a relationship that sounds controlling and disrespectful.

Do you know one of the signs of being in an abusive relationship? It’s that you start covering up, or can’t talk about, or feel uncomfortable talking about, or you start minimising, their behaviour , to your own friends and family.

he dosent do anything to help with the girls unless i ask, he is very much 'its your job, i go to work earn the money'

What a right 1940s misogynist pig he is! I'd read him the FUCKING RIOT ACT, on that alone, if I were you. Who fucken hell does he think he is?!?? Does he think you are 100% parent and he is 0%? You should tell him he is 50% their parent and it is 50% his responsibility to attend to his children. Earning money doesn't mean he stops being a parent! Did he even want the children?

If your husband doesn't provide a safe space for you (preferably the safest place in your life), then why is he even your husband?

Every marriage is hard work, yes. It shouldn't be this hard though. And you shouldn't be feeling this way around him. You shouldn't feel anxiety when he comes home. You shouldn't have to tense up because you're worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. Those are signs of abuse, just like previous posters have said.

You have just as much of a right to exist, to be seen, to be heard, to be loved and respected as anyone else. Is he doing that for you? And if not, is it really worth it?
Now, I don't encourage people to leave their marriages on impulse. But I'd try to suggest couples counseling to work on his communication skills and to try and lay a new foundation of mutual respect and partnership in your marriage. If he refuses, then it's time to pull the plug though.

OP says partner, not husband. So I don't think they're even married. Which is worse, because without that legal protection, OP is truly fucked.

@SoreAndTired1 he has an older daughter (9) from previous. Whenever i say something toward the girls if having tantrums etc. he will always say 'well you wanted them'. He admits he never wanted more children after a traumatic time with his eldest, but says now he has our girls he loves them. Which i dont get because he pushed for second and is even talking about a 3rd? Which I WILL NOT be having as i do not want anymore babies!

I would be speaking to him in order to tell him to fuck off.

I’d pack your shit and head for your mums. He can work out where you are. Stop caving to his emotional bullying and stand up for yourself (prefers by leaving him).

This.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse.

It also means he has the self-awareness of a turnip, can't admit he's wrong, doesn't care that he's distressing you.

I'd dump him.

He wants a 3rd to tie you down as much as possible while putting up with his shit behaviour. You are beginning to see his flaws and push back, that will make him think he's losing some control, so another pregnancy is sure to make you more dependent. It may well be why he pushed for a 2nd.
I note you are not married, that leaves you very vulnerable as a SAHM, so I urge you to seek work and have your youngest DD in nursery. If you split, you will only be entitled to cms off him, so have a back-up plan. He is controlling you.