MIL

[MumDaisy1980]

just sharing times MIL borderline get on my nerves.

MIL overall is good. But when I’m on a bad day would get irritated.

MIL is retired. So I got the impression that she just nosy for all her kids how they doing. And whenever DH and I met her, she just sharing stories of how DH siblings doing and their partners and each of their kids.

so by the time I met the bro and sis -in-laws, there’s really nth to talk as we already know everything.

sometimes even the kid go to A&E or the bro-in-law trying another kid all these details, I felt like unnecessary to know. I also think the siblings were just sharing how they doing to the mum not expect to be shared widely.

similarly, I would think whatever I told her, she just broadcast broadly in the fam. Not that I have anything to hide, just felt like the intention is just for gossip.

recently, as I fell preg , maybe she try to be more caring. She watsapp a group DH , me and her more often. Like how are you two doing. But DH not as responsive (like a guy style), so I know that she message as a group Try to get me to answer. I really reply depend on my mood.

and as I reply not as often too - she now called my DH more regularly , just to check how our preg journey doing. Before preg , DH and I were quite independent from the fam. We occasional meet up with the in-laws and chat How we doing. Now I felt like she blended into our life. What’s every week we were doing.

besides she has a tendency to check when we both free at home (and sometimes free does mean ready to host). So if we say nth to do. She will suggest drive over to meet up. and I know for her as retiree just not to stuck at home, keep moving. This happened quite a few times. And really made me don’t want to let her know we will be home and do nth. But my DH obviously just answer whatever she asked. I also don’t want to start quoting everything what can or can’t share with MIL. Sometimes DH understands me and won’t say certain things without me specifying. But because now more regular contact, I feel like she gotta know more than I would like to share.

i in fact have several more cases want to share and would need another thread!!

I wonder what’s everyone think so far? Or I am being over sensitive . Or just the preg hormone?! or you have similar experience ?!

thanks!!

You need to learn to suck things up and rationalise during this period where your feelings will be abnormally over-active.
plus accepting the people actually do have good advice for you (eg don't you want a change mat downstairs as well as upstairs?)
i took the approach where i said yes to all but the most cruddy baby stuff, and havd been enjoying sorting through it on mat leave at quiet times and donating to a local charity. I did say to everyone we didn't know what we needed/would end up with so some of the people that they gave might end up with charity, which everyone was fine with.
i think you are finding fault where none is due here, because you are not coping with your husband wanting to continue an inclusive wife family relationship when you want to be just nesting with him. He is who you need to talk with, but you need to compromise too

They sound lovely. You don't

My goodness, how nasty of them to be interested in your pregnancy, and to give you things for your baby.

No I didn’t either.

Just to say, I do understand this. I have this difficulty with my partner. It's the feeling that really he's making the plans with his family and I'm just tagging along for the ride. I always wanted to build a family unit with just him, but my feeling is that he's more interested in sharing personal things with his family than me. For example, we'd go on holiday but every hour he'd send a photo to his family of what he's doing. Rightly or wrongly I just found it quite irritating. Or, his mother will ask me in detail about my work and give her opinions on what I should do. It all feels overbearing. However, it sounds as if I'm in the minority here and most people disagree. I would definitely prefer more privacy and find the constant barrage rather interfering - it sounds like that may make me difficult or unkind. I personally think that people who love people try to be more sensitive to other people's reactions and signals rather than just push through with a constant messaging, constant questioning approach. But possibly I have very high standards.

You need to communicate with your DH better. He obviously doesn't appreciate that you don't want his family's hand me downs. That you don't want them to know details about your pregnancy. That you don't want them to know your name ideas. That you don't want them to be involved with your pregnancy.

It's not a stance I'd be taking. I enjoyed my ILs and my own family feeling connected to my baby. But I respect that you feel differently.

I think if you marry, and have children, you have to accept opening up and sharing your life. It’s hard to do and something you need to work on, but unless they’re toxic, it’s beneficial all round.

You can of course put in boundaries and limit what you share in agreement with your husband

Oh, and my approach is just to be careful about what I share. I quickly realised that if I tell her anything personal or sensitive, or send a photo she will immediately tell ten other people and forward them all the photo. Nothing is private. I've learnt to just share very general things as otherwise it can feel very exposing. Sometimes things are said in confidence and most people have a good sense of that and don't repeat things, but a few weeks later another random relative will ask me about that thing and I realise she's shared my information with multiple people. Talking to her is like broadcasting on a Facebook group, you just don't realise that's what's happening until it's too late. Maybe that makes me extremely private but I would hope I don't do that to other people.

So true, MILs really can't do right can they..

I've got 3 sons so MIL to 3, I do question myself constantly about is it too much is it too little. Fortunately we seem to get on OK although they are all different and I have to remember that A likes this, B likes that and C is different again.

So glad I didn't have a dozen!

I have to say you really are being quite ridiculous.
I don't know if this is hormone related or if this is you normally.

You have a lovely, warm, welcoming family who already have dc and are therefore able to offer you advice and also to save you money by passing on things their dc have outgrown.

But you want to gather sympathy for this ???

I feel like I do get where you're coming from. You want to try and build a family with just your DH, make parenting decisions just the two of you, pick a name together, not decide that communally with his family. I don't see you as looking down on his family, just as wanting more time with just him where you make plans for your baby as a couple together. I would also be sad if I had a day with my partner to buy things for our baby together and he mostly turned it into a day about his family instead. Some posters are saying you're unpleasant but I don't really understand that myself. Yes, his family may be nice people but it's also ok to want some privacy for the two of you at this time. I think you just want to focus on the bond with your DH.

Do you have parents and siblings that you see regularly @MumDaisy1980 ? If so, What's their reaction to your pregnancy?

I'm trying to work out where your reaction to absolutely normal and lovely care and support from your in laws is coming from.

I married into a family like your in-laws, and I couldn't have been more grateful. But it took a year or two to adjust to the warmth and closeness of their relationships, because I'd never had that.

Your messages are long and detailed, which shows you are overthinking it all.
Just get used to saying " no thanks we have it/them already" and "we don't have room for spares".
Decide how often you are happy for visits to occur and stick to it by saying you are too busy other times.
Apart from going along with things when not in the mood, and not standing your ground enough maybe, the rest is hormones.

these people are trying to connect to you. they will also want to be involved with baby. I am sure you knew your partner is close to his family from before, its not a surprise. if you want to build a life with him, the includes making an effort with his family. you may have to establish boundaries at times and you can speak to your partner about that.

I feel you are reacting more negatively than necessary

I know this is YOUR baby.
It's also THEIR niece/nephew/grandchild/cousin.

People are going to want and have a relationship with your child. They are not trying to intrude in your life. They are sharing an active desire to be part of the village that helps you raise your child, who they already love now no matter what. Because your child is their family member too.

You are getting annoyed over the sweetest and most caring, generous gestures, and in this way preventing your child to have the kind of relationship with their family that they really deserve. You're also prohibiting your husband from sharing his new fatherhood with his own family.

I'd be so upset if you were my sister-in-law or daughter-in-law, refusing all those well-meaning offers.

Thanks everyone for your messages. Appreciate your honest comments.

@Cararara Thank you and THANK YOU. Seems we do have similar experience. Agree with you perhaps my bond with DH is stronger than with the in-laws. Nevertheless I don't have a feeling of a direct family compare to my DH and naturally I may regards some of the details not neccessarily to share. And about the broadcasting point, I was in the exact situation! but just that I don't really know all the distant relatives, so I didn't even know where it had been broadcasted. Just in the occasion of a funeral when gather with all the relatives, realised they know EVERYTHING & UP-TO-DATE NEWS about me. That's I realised about things are broadcasted.

@saraclara And thanks. Indeed my family dynamic is quite different from my DH. I'm also from a loving family but they expressed completely differently. We definitely not talk about the day-to-day details as such. We do communicate regularly and not in details like my DH's fam. Say my sis will share what school thinking for nephews. Parents share how's going on with their small business. And about the pregnancy news share with my own fam, they were happy for us. My sis simply gave congrats and with open hands to offer help/advice. Never mention anything else unless I started the convo.
Fo my parents, they were over-excited, I had a clash with my parents side, as they were trying to involve too much in 1st trimester (looking nanny for us, thinking what school to go AND I WAS ONLY 3 MONTH PREG AT THE TIME). And 1st trimester - I had both my mum and MIL took me out for lunch and shared me their lifelong stories in labour and mostly were unpleasant experience. I had a breakdown and then communicated to my fam side about they had to step back and gave me room to breathe, since then my fam side was more chill and I could have good communication with them and share what I would like to share about my pregnancy journey.

The other difference about mine and my DH's parents, my parents still doing business leisurely and they were more occupied. DH's side are retirees, I got the impression they spend more time thinking about the children. So I would also be not used to the level of attention given.

Some other posters' suggestions are helpful too, which will definitely consider.

In recent days, I did change slightly what I would like to communicate with my DH. If I don't want it has a chance to spread to his fam, I simply don't mention anymore.

Overall, it's the one day of visit I was overwhelmed and expressing my discomfort in the forum. I do have good relationship with the in-laws. I do not hate them or anything , but there are times feel like there's unmatch in personality/ characters.

🙂

It sounds like family is her life and she wants to be in the thinck of it. I can see how lovely it is but I can also see how you probably want a bit of a break. It’s hard to strike a balance, my mum gives us space but it means she isn’t involved much in our life as we are always running with work and school etc and she’s too far away so the kids don’t know my side enough and I’m sad over it sometimes as they only really feel them have one gp