Big age gap regrets and need to get out

[Rebeccahayes90]

Hello.

I am so stuck and need advice please. I have been with my partner for 20 years and have 3 children that are now teenagers. I was 16 when we got together, he was 26....at the time I didn't see this as a problem. Now that I'm well into my 30's and feel like I have matured and have a better understanding in life, it now makes me sick to think he was even interested in me at that time when I was still a child!! You could say I was just as bad, but in reality I didn't really understand and if anything thought it was 'cool' having an older boyfriend. It sounds silly I know but for a quite a few years now that whole situation hasn't felt right with me now.

Secondly this is not a relationship I want to be in, I just really don't know how to get out of it. I think again it comes down to becoming wiser as I've aged, i might of thought i loved him, but now i know i probably never have, and i realise this relationship has never been right and we're worlds apart. I'm so unhappy, but I'm scared of how to get out of this! He's aggressive, so it isn't something we can sit down amicably together and discuss. I probably sound like a bad person but he really, isn't a nice person, which I don't want to go too into and not someone I want to waste any more time with. I keep giving myself 'deadlines' to get out of the relationship but unfortunately the weeks turn into years and I'm still stuck in it with no idea how to get out?!?!

I just wanted to know if it is right for me to have these age gap concerns all these years later (as in the fact we got together when I was 16). I just now feel really dirty about it all. My eldest is 16 and it really opens yours eyes to how young 16 really is.
Also please does anyone have any advice how to escape a relationship they don't want to be in? But at the same time is scared to try and do so.

Please be easy on me, I'm so fragile as it is. Thanks

You don’t need to justify your reasons to anyone. If you don’t want a relationship with someone, that’s it. Full stop.

You say he’s aggressive – has he ever harmed you or threatened to harm you or your children?

Do you have anyone to stay with? Your options, depending on the above are to sit him down and tell him you want to separate (either alone or with someone else there to support you) and ask him to leave, leave yourself or to contact women’s aid.

I’m not sure your question is really about the age gap, you don’t need a reason op, it’s ok to say I made a mistake, he’s a horrible person and to leave.

why can’t you, is it money?

Sorry OP, sounds really difficult. If he’s aggressive that’s enough reason in itself to want out.

as for the age gap I remember a friend of mine had the same age gap and we felt at 16 it’s because we looked much older and were much more mature. When we were 26 we said we’d be disgusted if one of us turned up with a 16 yr old. It’s legal but it’s really not ok.

Also please does anyone have any advice how to escape a relationship they don't want to be in? But at the same time is scared to try and do so.

I would recommend that you ring Women's Aid. It sounds like you have found yourself in an abusive relationship. No man should EVER be aggressive towards a woman. Even if he's not actually been violent (has he been violent?) the threat is there. The scariest men don't actually hit, they are scary enough to get their way "just" with threats and/or violence directed at inanimate objects - which is still violence. I have never, ever felt physically frightened of my husband. He hasn't ever been aggressive in 15 years.