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Original poster

Should I leave my husband?

16 replies

shadowofthecity · 15/01/2024 19:28

I would really appreciate some help on this, but am prepared to get flamed too.

I live in another country for H's job. We moved a couple of years ago which was a lot, and I couldnt transfer with my job so took about a 40% pay cut, although H got a significant payrise. It was a bit of a 'band aid'- we had separated 3 times in the past year, once for nearly 2 months, after constant arguing, often about how to parent dc, but also exacerbated by both wfh in lockdowns and poor communication. H is a huge sulker and has therapy for this and other stuff because of his shit childhood. He is also a bit of a 'teenage sibling' to our dc as opposed to a father, IMO. He doesnt ever take him out even to the swings nearby, doesnt do homework or organise activities or even do emotional support, mocks him sometimes/bickers with him, imposes harsh punishments even for fairly normal stuff for his age and then we argue about that. He's been like that since he was tiny. I actually think he treats our cat way more lovingly than he has ever treated dc, calls him 'baby', is cute with him, is more nurturing! He's obsessed with 'cute' baby clothes and although being physically quite lazy (he is also overweight) and not having done much at all with dc we have, he wants to have a baby as it 'would be cute'. I have for a while felt the ick at the idea of having another baby with him, though. Too much resentment built up over time. When i was going through a terrible period with my physical and mental health H was very angry with me as it reminded him of his mum; he also escapes into video games for hours a day and is happy for dc to do the same. I have felt so frustrated and lonely. I think i didnt leave before, even when I really wanted to, because i felt dependent; emotionally, financially to some extent. I now wonder if it was a trauma bond we had. My family can't stand him. My mum, having witnessed his sulks as recently as when she visited in December, said she was 'done' with him.

However moving to this country was pretty good for about a year because of the weather, new adventures and gave 'us' a fresh start. However petty arguments and sulks crept back in over time. I felt pressured to have another dc when we had been here less than a year which wasn't what we had discussed as that was something we wanted to do back in UK when our visas expire in 2 years, as last time i had severe PND. H also went through and survived 2 high profile rounds of redundancies at work, and I took a flexible job around dc because childcare is extortionate here. I made the effort to organise lots of short trips away for us and those were the best times for our little family, flew his mum over as a b'day surprise for him, planned days out but nothing seemed to help as H was upset about not getting a promotion and about being away from family. By spring last year, me and H were both getting depressed and taking it out on each other. I threw myself into work, new friends and my hobby which is becoming more viable as a source of income. Dc is well aware we argue and I know has been affected by it. But he also loves us as a 'family'.

I met someone else in summer last year through this hobby, something I would have never expected. From the start we clicked; we have so much in common, he's kind and caring, and we respect each other. For the first time in a long time I thought I could even see myself having another dc; even if not with him, he opened me back up a bit. It was an emotional affair for months. Now physical, but the emotional side has always been the biggest part of it, and it's been months and despite hardships of being long distance a lot, both of us having dilemmas over our spouses, we have kept strong. He left his spouse in November and has been waiting for me to leave mine, which is something but he has now said he can't do this much longer as it's too painful and he needs to step away for a while. We love each other and have said so. Most of all he's shown me who I used to be before my marriage to H. I know H is unhappy too; he's escapist, he says he hasnt settled here and misses the UK and family, he says he resents me for falling for someone else (fair enough). He wants a stable life with a mortgage and 3 kids near his family. Once, I thought we both wanted more; adventure, living abroad and a different kind of life. Moving here has only accentuated the difference between us. We dont have sex anymore and haven't really much since we moved here. I've tried but I don't feel attraction, and he never tries it on so I dont know if he does either.

I told H I had feelings for someone else, but have not been honest about the physical, as I think it would really destroy him- he always talks about how every ex he has had has cheated on him. I also feel terrified to leave while in another country. Guilty about the effect on dc. I worry I'll make a mistake, that the 'grass isnt greener'. I know I will lose OM if I don't make a decision, but I want to be sure. I just dont know how I ever can be. And I dont want to miss out on real love and a good relationship to model to dc, with someone who wants the same things as me (again, even if ultimately it is not OM.) But in leaving H I will give up dc's family unit, finances will be very tight, and I will lose the shared history with H

I've been watching a lot of Crappy Childhood Fairy videos about my own issues and past, to try and understand how I can be so unable to make a decision like this. Does it mean I still love H? That I don't really love OM? Is it just fear? I could afford to separate and keep dc in school until the end of the school year then would go back to the UK and plan my next career/other move. But the thought of being in the country I moved to with H, without him, is terrifying. Its another way in which I/we are codependent I suppose. Its an english speaking country and we are in a good area and I have friends here and my job. But even saying the words to H that i want to separate feels impossible.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Sorry if this is a little rambling. Btw we are mid 30s if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 15/01/2024 19:36

Do NOT have another baby with this man. Even if he suddenly improves because that change will not last once you are pregnant.

A man who mocks and belittles his own child is abusive so why would you have a second with him? In fact, why would you want to stay even if you didn't have another?

If you have separated three times already and nothing has changed permanently then it's time to leave for good.

Sandia1 · 15/01/2024 19:41

Life has not been straightforward for either of you and it looks like there has been problems in the marriage for a while. You have made a connection with someone who gives you what your husband is not, but I don't think you should leave your husband for this other man. Things are more in the open now and I think you did the right thing to tell your H that you had feelings for someone else, but it is not right to continue the physical relationship while you are still with your H. OM may seem perfect/a way out but they are not. You should not leave someone for someone else and if OM is pressuring you, that's definitely a red flag. Did you feel relief when you told your H, or fear that he would finish things? You don't sound happy together but you need to face the fear and look at being on your own if you split. You may both decide to return to the UK if you separate as it sounds like your H misses home and wants some support around him (which he will need if you split up). Don't be mean and point out all his faults, more focus on how you don't feel happy/ think the relationship may be over in your head/ you want to co parent and stay amicable etc. Good luck and try and be kind if this is your decision.

TiredCatLady · 15/01/2024 19:42

You don’t sound as though you even like your husband never mind love him. Definitely do not bring another child into the equation - he doesn’t seem interested in the one you’ve got.

End it. Maybe it’ll work with the OM or maybe it won’t but you can’t carry on with a relationship that’s dead in the water.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2024 19:44

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

if someone else wrote this what would your counsel be?. You appear to be very much trauma bonded to this man due to his abuses of you and in turn the children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really a role model of a relationship you want to be showing them, hell no.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This is a relationship that is well and truly dead in the water and has been for some years now. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make better choices for you and the children. Emigrating was a mistake, you just took the same old problem I.e him along with you and it was always this his abuse of you would again rear it’s ugly head.

I would urge you to seek legal advice re divorce asap. Knowledge here is also power.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2024 19:48

End the relationship now with the other man, do not further use him as some sort of exit affair from your marriage. Be on your own going forward, it’s better than being with someone like your abusive husband. Another must do for you would be to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme,

MaggieNextDoor · 15/01/2024 19:57

Don't stay married to your husband, he sounds awful. I'm not sure going from a marriage straight into another relationship is a good thing though. This other man is giving you positive affirmations at the moment, but will it continue once you are free? Tread carefully. Good luck.

kimbear87 · 15/01/2024 20:06

If you are questioning it, you know the answer.

Leyenda · 15/01/2024 20:09

I think the first thing you need to known is: if you end your marriage, what are the practical consequences? Would you want to return to the UK? Your child’s habitual place of residence is now outside the UK and so you’d need your husband’s permission if you wanted to bring the child back to the UK.

If you’re planning to stay where you are, is it somewhere supportive of single mums? Ie not the Middle East, Asia, Africa etc.

The marriage is clearly dead, do not have another child with him.

(And if you really love your affair partner, don’t keep him waiting too long.)

If you can cope with shared custody etc I would just end the marriage and move on with your life.

MaitreKarlsson · 16/01/2024 00:55

I am a lot older than you OP. All the advice from previous posters is good and sensible. But with the benefit of hindsight, my advice is to leave your H as soon as you can (that seems clear) AND try for another life with this man.
One sentence really stood out about your other man 'he's shown me who I used to be before my marriage to H'.
Honestly - that is so valuable and precious. He's a rare gift, don't pass up this chance!
Of course it might not work out but I can almost guarantee that if you don't do it you will regret it in 10 years time/forever.
As long as you can sort finances and you can manage, go for it. Run like the wind and don't look back!

MeinKraft · 16/01/2024 00:58

There's literally no benefit to you or your child to staying with your husband so ditch him, he can keep the cat.

Original poster
shadowofthecity · 16/01/2024 02:56

@MaitreKarlsson thank you- that was interesting you picked up on that. i know people do change over time and i guess i worry the side of me OM has brought out is an irresponsible/selfish side, i have a dc and cant just be romantic anymore. but i meant also that he encourages me to be creative, to be strong and speak my mind, which H just doesnt get at all. we have never had that kind of relationship.
i dont want to lose OM but i know it cant go on like this. i feel like he is pulling away and i dont blame him. i think i would do the same in his position.

i think i have made H sound like a monster judging by some pps. he really is not; he's lazy and immature in many ways but he does provide well for us and is always present, which i know are both worth a lot. i just dont love him any more, there is too much water under the bridge, i hate seeing him unhappy too and i cant fake it. i also probably should never have agreed to come here.

OP posts:
decionsdecisions62 · 16/01/2024 04:17

Yes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2024 06:20

The only good things you can write about your current H are that he is present always and does provide. Your bar is so very low here. Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He is very much a product of his own upbringing.

Would you want your DC to have a relationship like yours?. No and you would want better for them.

Gratefulwoman · 10/02/2024 06:52

shadowofthecity · 15/01/2024 19:28

I would really appreciate some help on this, but am prepared to get flamed too.

I live in another country for H's job. We moved a couple of years ago which was a lot, and I couldnt transfer with my job so took about a 40% pay cut, although H got a significant payrise. It was a bit of a 'band aid'- we had separated 3 times in the past year, once for nearly 2 months, after constant arguing, often about how to parent dc, but also exacerbated by both wfh in lockdowns and poor communication. H is a huge sulker and has therapy for this and other stuff because of his shit childhood. He is also a bit of a 'teenage sibling' to our dc as opposed to a father, IMO. He doesnt ever take him out even to the swings nearby, doesnt do homework or organise activities or even do emotional support, mocks him sometimes/bickers with him, imposes harsh punishments even for fairly normal stuff for his age and then we argue about that. He's been like that since he was tiny. I actually think he treats our cat way more lovingly than he has ever treated dc, calls him 'baby', is cute with him, is more nurturing! He's obsessed with 'cute' baby clothes and although being physically quite lazy (he is also overweight) and not having done much at all with dc we have, he wants to have a baby as it 'would be cute'. I have for a while felt the ick at the idea of having another baby with him, though. Too much resentment built up over time. When i was going through a terrible period with my physical and mental health H was very angry with me as it reminded him of his mum; he also escapes into video games for hours a day and is happy for dc to do the same. I have felt so frustrated and lonely. I think i didnt leave before, even when I really wanted to, because i felt dependent; emotionally, financially to some extent. I now wonder if it was a trauma bond we had. My family can't stand him. My mum, having witnessed his sulks as recently as when she visited in December, said she was 'done' with him.

However moving to this country was pretty good for about a year because of the weather, new adventures and gave 'us' a fresh start. However petty arguments and sulks crept back in over time. I felt pressured to have another dc when we had been here less than a year which wasn't what we had discussed as that was something we wanted to do back in UK when our visas expire in 2 years, as last time i had severe PND. H also went through and survived 2 high profile rounds of redundancies at work, and I took a flexible job around dc because childcare is extortionate here. I made the effort to organise lots of short trips away for us and those were the best times for our little family, flew his mum over as a b'day surprise for him, planned days out but nothing seemed to help as H was upset about not getting a promotion and about being away from family. By spring last year, me and H were both getting depressed and taking it out on each other. I threw myself into work, new friends and my hobby which is becoming more viable as a source of income. Dc is well aware we argue and I know has been affected by it. But he also loves us as a 'family'.

I met someone else in summer last year through this hobby, something I would have never expected. From the start we clicked; we have so much in common, he's kind and caring, and we respect each other. For the first time in a long time I thought I could even see myself having another dc; even if not with him, he opened me back up a bit. It was an emotional affair for months. Now physical, but the emotional side has always been the biggest part of it, and it's been months and despite hardships of being long distance a lot, both of us having dilemmas over our spouses, we have kept strong. He left his spouse in November and has been waiting for me to leave mine, which is something but he has now said he can't do this much longer as it's too painful and he needs to step away for a while. We love each other and have said so. Most of all he's shown me who I used to be before my marriage to H. I know H is unhappy too; he's escapist, he says he hasnt settled here and misses the UK and family, he says he resents me for falling for someone else (fair enough). He wants a stable life with a mortgage and 3 kids near his family. Once, I thought we both wanted more; adventure, living abroad and a different kind of life. Moving here has only accentuated the difference between us. We dont have sex anymore and haven't really much since we moved here. I've tried but I don't feel attraction, and he never tries it on so I dont know if he does either.

I told H I had feelings for someone else, but have not been honest about the physical, as I think it would really destroy him- he always talks about how every ex he has had has cheated on him. I also feel terrified to leave while in another country. Guilty about the effect on dc. I worry I'll make a mistake, that the 'grass isnt greener'. I know I will lose OM if I don't make a decision, but I want to be sure. I just dont know how I ever can be. And I dont want to miss out on real love and a good relationship to model to dc, with someone who wants the same things as me (again, even if ultimately it is not OM.) But in leaving H I will give up dc's family unit, finances will be very tight, and I will lose the shared history with H

I've been watching a lot of Crappy Childhood Fairy videos about my own issues and past, to try and understand how I can be so unable to make a decision like this. Does it mean I still love H? That I don't really love OM? Is it just fear? I could afford to separate and keep dc in school until the end of the school year then would go back to the UK and plan my next career/other move. But the thought of being in the country I moved to with H, without him, is terrifying. Its another way in which I/we are codependent I suppose. Its an english speaking country and we are in a good area and I have friends here and my job. But even saying the words to H that i want to separate feels impossible.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Sorry if this is a little rambling. Btw we are mid 30s if that makes a difference.

From a stranger,

first I hope you are keeping well.
i suffered a lot from toxic ppl, especially my first husband then I for divorce as was too much then jumped into a relationship as I missed being my self, but it was worse than the first year it taught me a lot afterwards.
my advise is based on ait of similarity in circumstances, family financial and stability wise.
tou husband is not good for you nor the new guy. You will be surprised and I know none of them.
your husband ticked all boxes of not being able to make him self happy how can he make you, he is selfish narcissist and only wants what a best for him. Trust me that’s a narcissist traits regardless of how you feel about him.
the new guy, is not good at this stage even if he is a perfect much as it seems don’t jump into another relationship, this is from experience it will be more painful than the one you have now.
my last advise as stranger who suffered and lost all her money and even the ability to have a kid, live your self , you seem you have codependency issues, read about it. Read about your attachment style ( best book is attachment style from amazone) read a bout narcissism ( Sam vaknin in YouTube’s watch his videos) don’t be afraid of the financial stability , you will get there once your head is clear it s a hard road but the best and you will meet when you are ready I mean ready, when you are in love with tie self and accept that there are a lot of changes and challenges ahead of you and yet you are willing to stand up for you for the best of you, the new version of you . Only then you will be happy.
my story very similar to yours, don’t feel guilty for leaving any toxic person, you seem like an empath that’s why you worry about others alot. Don’t worry only about your self now, don’t tell anyone about the affair, don’t give your energy any more to losers, even if he is a useless husband. Finally step up and decide seriously what you want to do, to keep suffering a toxic marriage or bit of financial suffering g them a great life.
ps: get some therapy if you could just to start loving your self more, start reading more about toxic behaviour and avoid it as much as you can and finally know your worth and be that woman.
for the info: I now have the man of my dreams same age as me , good looking, well established and the most important thing he is my kind generous amazing husband now.
be positive life is too short to waste it on loosers or waste it on opportunist.

take time to heal from all trauma bonding from the past relationship patterns and don’t be on autopilot, be you who decide this time .
good luck pretty lady😊

Justfinking · 10/02/2024 06:57

Leave your husband. But don't have another baby, that would just be stupid

Gratefulwoman · 10/02/2024 06:58

Apologies I was typing fast so few mistypo there

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