Those of you in medium/long distance relationships- how do you make the most of your time?

[Freezing24]

DP and I have been together for 8 years. We live approx an hour’s drive apart (each way) so our time together is limited to weekends and holidays. In many ways, this arrangement is fine for me- we are both in our 50s, each have our own house and work full time. I also quite living alone now that Dc have left home, and even though I am sure DP and I will move in together eventually, I’m in no hurry.

however, I do sometimes struggle with how to maintain proper communication. For example, last week I had a bit of a stressful week and by the time I saw DP on Saturday, I was feeling pretty drained had quite a bit playing out in my head. Ideally, I’d have spoke to him about this but I always have this thing where I don’t want to spend all our limited time together unburdening myself or just being downright miserable. I feel that I spent most of the weekend in bit of a pretend state of ‘everything is OK’ which has only tired me out further. Should I just get over this and accept that some weekends will be more about sharing problems and just wallowing a bit? Had I been by myself all weekend, I’d honestly have just lain in front of the Tv and made zero effort.

So I suppose what I need is advice on how to balance the need to make the most of limited time together, whilst being able to be a bit more open about the day to day crap that’s bothering me. I should add that we speak on the phone every evening but I absolutely hate discussing anything serious when I’m staring down the line on FaceTime.

i’d really appreciate thoughts from anyone else in a similar set up.

Me and dp have been together 6 years and live about 40 minutes away. I've stayed down his 5 nights this week and went from work there. I've had a crap week so literally did spend the whole weekend lazing in front of the tv. If he wants me at my best he has to accept me at my worst! I'm all fairness when I am down he always invites me down or comes up, he doesn't like leaving me on my own lol

Interesting thread for me. I'm two years into a fairly long distance relationship- 3 hours drive - we are both also around 50 years old and because I live with my 11 year old no prospect of things changing until he has grown, I don't want to move before then and nor does partner. We see each other maybe three night blocks every three weeks or a bit more.

I also struggle with when and how to raise negative or emotive issues. For us this tends to be how to plan our next few months. My partner dislikes being tied down many weeks ahead, I feel like I need to know all plans as early as possible because I have to arrange childcare etc. This can cause tension and occasionally arguments which can seem a terrible waste of our precious time together.

I tend to try and address difficult things by phone so it's out of the way more or less before we see each other. I'm the sort of person that finds it hard to keep negative emotions to myself anyway. We don't tend to use FaceTime or video call. I find it distracting - much better to focus by phone instead of having to stare at my own face. Of course sometimes issues arise when we are together so - have to deal with it then and "waste" time we could have enjoyed. Again - I'm not really capable of pretending so - there we are.

It's not easy but as you know - so many benefits to part-time/separate living at this age.

@Babyblackbear78 I wfh for approx 3 days a week so in theory I guess I could spend longer at his as you have done. The only thing is that I quite like having all my own stuff around me when I’m working, not to mention getting little jobs like the washing done when I have gaps!

@RockingBeebo I had similar issues re forward planning when my and DP first got together. He was much more last minute, partly because he has fewer constraints on his time. We got that sorted out though but I do wish we’d not become quite so reliant on FaceTime as I agree, it’s awkward having to stare at my own face all the time when we speak. However, I think you are right in getting difficult issues raised during the week. That might work for my DP as he tends to ponder things so by the time I see him, he’ll have worked it through in his head.

I do feel things are so much better when we have a week off together. There is just a different rhythm somehow, much more relaxed. Otherwise, I find that if I’ve had a heavy week, I’m still processing things in my head on the Saturday which means half the weekend is gone by the time I’ve wound down a bit.

I dated a guy for a couple of years who lived an hour away but round the M25 so sometimes far longer.

It was difficult as we had opposite work patterns - I was at my desk by 8am, he worked midday to 10pm so we only saw each other at weekends. He only did a 1/2 day Friday so used to drive to mine straight after work most weeks and I’d sometimes go to his but mine more convenient as his daughters lived with him.

We chatted several times a day on phone but it was in my lunch break or while he had down time at work so those deep chats never really happened. And by the weekend he was itching to kick back so Friday we’d either go to the local, out for food or have a bottle of wine indoors. Then Saturday he always wanted to go out out so our actual time together as a couple was very limited.

I just admit it’s put me off another distance relationship. I did meet a guy who lived an hour away but he did shift work and immediately my flags started flapping.