How to co-parent with nasty ex

[Sunnysideupagain]

I’m going through process of divorce- my ex was abusive and is prolonging the process as much as possible. It’s been going on for a couple of years and I expect for many more years.

I don’t need any advice on this as it’s moving along as fast as possible, but there’s constant friction around the kids, and I know I’ll have this until the youngest is an adult ( or at least old enough to make own decisions)

What I want to know is how to deal with the ongoing grind of dealing with a vengeful, nasty exH. He has very narcissistic tendencies ( I know everyone says it- but in his case it’s definitely true!).

I find that I’m constantly stressed and on edge because I can’t let my guard down regarding plans as he’ll do anything to sabotage my time (with or without the kids).

my shoulders are always painful and tight, I’m constantly worrying about his next step, and even though I do a lot to minimise this ( grey rock etc), I must admit that it grinds me down.

what are your tips for dealing with these people?

Have a contact schedule that is set in stone

Dont do handovers

give him an email address and tell him you will check it periodically and stick to it

Maybe accept co parenting in any real sense is overambitious..
Imo your dc can benefit also from seeing you instill boundaries with someone who hasn't treated you well. Being his 'friend' even for their benefit is confusing..

Ive had this, my little one only 6 and it's just constant. Anxiety meds have helped me. I tell him no plans, we do not communicate unless essential. I'm not even allowed to ask for a time she will be home as asking for him to decide a time and expect him to stick to it means I'm controlling apparently. So I say 'i won't be home til after 2pm' for example. And make sure I aren't. Even if im walking around tesco 12-1.45.
I have his Whatsapp archived so his name never pops up on my phone. I tell him no plans, ever. Have a set schedule of contact and no change unless he gives notice. I would never ask him for a favour or to change schedule.
You can't control any part of his behavior only your reaction. Just grey rock and expect zero from him. I think once my expectations of him was as low as possible it got easier

are you living separately?
is it regarding money and / or the children that be gets the opportunity to do this to you?

These are all good ideas. There are some things which make it difficult- for example, he works shifts, so not possible to have set times. I really wish I could as I think that would help.

I’ve given up on practical solutions, as I’ve done as much as I can. But he remains incredibly bitter. I think I need to become a Buddhist!

@kshaw ive considered anxiety meds as I have this general fear and sense of unease I can’t shake off, but not sure if there’s other ways of dealing with it.

@spearthatbroc our youngest is 7, so many more years of this. He’s not even interested in the kids- it’s all about keeping me away from them. (FWIW- I’m actually quite happy with the free time, I’ve never been one of these people who can’t spend 5 minutes without their kids!)

But the result is that he never wants to spend time with them, so they are bored at his as he does nothing with them. He refuses to take them to your regular activities ( brownies/ sports) which I’m anxious about because it’s not fair for kids- I feel the only way to deal with it is to no longer care about my kids’ activities.

how often does he have them?

Arrange things so he drops off and picks up from school a club or relative to avoid contact . Minimise contact at all times and be very bland if you have to meet .

50/50 when it suits him, but often ‘can’t do weekends’ or more than couple of days a week because he is working.

Is there a court order in place?

Sometimes the situation demands one. For example is it the case your children can’t join any clubs because he won’t take them on his days?

Just remember not to feed the dragon - every bit of attention you give him is like oxygen so literally give him the bare minimum

When your dc goes to the door you keep fixated on them

‘bye Johnny, have a great time I’ll see you tomorrow’ keep smiling and wave the child off. Don’t even look at your ex.

block him from all forums and give him the email address

‘ex, this is my new email address. I will check it once a week for any communications that are essential with regards to the children’

Do this and stick to it. If the emails are silly, pointless and ridiculous- do not reply to that. Only when it’s really necessary. And keep your reply brief.

50/50 now that is a lot of uncertainty for you to endure every week.

Did a judge order this? It is absolutely ridiculous and unfair to the child giving 50/50 when someone works shifts as there is no stability for the child

do you work?

Court order in place. I had agreed to 50/50 and the court aims for that anyway.

but of course, no one is interested if it isn’t enforced. I can take him to court, but they only really pay attention to very serious abuses of court order.

They won’t punish him by taking away his access cos that’s not in kids interest.

And it’s going to cost £15k a time.

sorry - not trying to be negative or drip feed, but I have to accept the reality of this situation and find psychological ways to cope with this. I don’t have endless pots of money to tackle him through courts on every issue.

Yes - main breadwinner. He was/is a cock lodger

so how does that work with his shift work cropping up during the week?

how much in advance do you get his rota?

I think I’d crack under the uncertainty if nothing else!

He found work as I’m no longer paying for him to pursue his hobbies/studies …( which is why I say ‘was’. However, he still a leech)

I would go back to court to try and change the terms if he was being ridiculous.

I mean was it discussed and agreed how far in advance you would get the rota? Was birthdays/Xmas discussed? School hols?

If it’s not tight then I’d make it as tight as possible for your own sake tho

I’d even ask his boss given the circs can he have a more permanent Rota!

Id actually email him and ask him to be discreet or something

Oh and well done for not letting him leech of you anymore!!

@Quitelikeit yes I think I’ll need to tighten it up.

we agreed advance notice but never happens, so breaks court order regularly in that sense.

I agreed early on as was trying to be accommodating for ten kids- had no idea he would be so difficult

*the kids not ten!

Oh he is doing it because he can and also because he wants to pay you as little as possible

Please keep a note of the number of days he is doing and if it changes from 50/50 then contact the CMS

Dont give this guy an inch

He is trying to cause you misery by using any means at his disposal

The email is also good because it leaves a trail of evidence if necessary

So his rota will go to that email and if he reduces his 50/50 days that week it will all be in the email inbox

yes but that is not my point!

you’re working full time now so how does that work with him being so flakey during the week

@spearthatbroc sorry misunderstood the question! They all go to after school club, but have to pay full time as he won’t commit to set days off.
would save a fortune if I could cut after school car to 2-3 times a week. But it’s all part of his ‘revenge’

i can understand why he can’t commit if he’s a shift worker.

and presumably he’s 50/50 on the cost?