Trvial dilemma

[thehouseofmirth]

Sorry this is trivial compared to most threads and probably in the wrong place but wasn't sure where else to put it. It's also probably too long (and very poorly written).

Anyway, have had a tiring couple of weeks as DH and DS both been ill. As a result of his third chest infection in as many months DH has finally given up smoking which is brilliant but mentally challenging for both of us.

Ages ago I arranged to go and stay with MIL for Easter. DS & I have been a few times by ourselves as she's the only family either of us have got and being a SAHM we can go when DH can't get away. I kind of thought DH might come with us this time but wasn't too fussed either way. Anyway, I think he'd been thinking he would come but because of all the rail engineering works we have to leave on Thursday and come back on Tuesday. DH is unable to get either of these days off work as he's left it to the last minute to ask. So he said he wouldn?t come but I didn?t feel great about leaving him alone when he is so down. I suggested he come up on Thursday after work (2.5 hour journey) and then leave on Easter Monday (9 + hour journey) but he doesn?t want to do that. I even said I?d drive (6 hours each way with wriggly and car sick prone 2 year old, me doing all driving as DH can?t) but he said no. DH emailed me today to say he didn?t think we should go as DS has not been well. I think this is his way of asking us not to go but DS is fine now and I don?t like fibbing about stuff like that. I could get DH to call MIL and say I am ill (it is a miracle I?m not) but she is really looking forward to us coming. Can?t tell her what?s happened as she thought he?d given up smoking years ago and she?d be really upset.

I feel like whatever I do I?ll upset someone and feel totally crap. I know I shouldn?t feel responsible for other people?s feelings but hey ho.

Any bright ideas?

well, i'd tell your dh to sort it out with his mil and let you know what consensus they've come to. could she visit you instead?

Ask him straight out whether he has a problem with you going. He is finding problems with all your suggestions about how to get there which suggests he doesn't want to get there!! Perhaps he is thinking it might be harder to resist temptation to smoke if you are away? Does his mum smoke? Maybe he doesn't want to be around that.

The problem is you are feeling that he is feeling something and thinking he is trying to hint about something....but you are not communicating. Ask him. "Are you trying to say you want us all to stay at home." "Why?" and if he can't be straight, then say that unless he can explain his reasons, you are going to have to assume he doesn't have any and you are going. And don't listen to any "Oh no, it's ok, you go, I'll be fiiiine" in that 'I'm not fine I'm sulking' tone - iyswim.

I would see if it is possible for her to visit you instead.

I think you're right and it is his way of asking you not to go.

You could tell her that he is ill, people who don't smoke get chest infections - it's just your (his?) guilty conscience telling you that she will immediately know that he did not give up when he said he did.

Thanks so much for your messages. I think it just helped to get it all down and talking to one RL friend wouldn't have been half as useful.

I've decided we're going without DH. MIL can't come here as she too is working and I don't see why she should suffer the train journey from hell. I think DH was having a smoking wobble when he emailed me.

Hecate, you are obviously right about the non-communication but it's something we are both totally useless at. The result of that is I always feeling responsible for other people's feelings and DH feeling responsible for no-one's but his own. Something we need to work on if we don't want to f@*&k up DS too!