Saving a failing relationship since having a baby

[Tryingtoplodon]

For a bit of background DP and I have completely disconnected from each other since having our baby 6 months ago. He wasn’t interested in sex with me during pregnancy, and although we’ve done it a few times since baby arrived, it hasn’t been the same. I told him I don’t feel like he wants to be with me anymore that maybe he doesn’t find me attractive since pregnancy and birth and I feel very lonely. He reassured me it’s not true that he loves me and still finds me attractive, but it’s hard to know through words if he means it, he obviously doesn’t want to lose us as his family and that sort of honesty he’d probably fear would be the end of us.
Baby isn’t sleeping too great at the moment, we’re like passing ships now as he finishes work at 7pm and then we do baby bath and feed, have tea then go to bed (him before me) so sex is off the cards through lack of energy.
We don’t sit and chat like we used to, no hugs or kisses, not even holding hands. We’re like roommates. I told him I can’t cope with it and I need some intimacy and passion or we’re over, he promised to work on it but I don’t see any change.
I don’t want to split our family but I don’t know what else to do. It’s destroying me thinking he doesn’t want me anymore but sticks around for the baby, or that he’s cheating and that explains his behaviour towards me, I just don’t know what to think.
My options at the moment seem to be to sit him down and tell him exactly what I expect or we’re over (although that didn’t work the last time I said that), end it without any more time and work or a suggestion from my friend which is to do everything I want from him, myself. So if I want sex, come on to him, although I’d be worried about rejection. Or if I need a hug/kiss to just go up to him and do it.
I don’t want to make a mug of myself anymore by doing all these things and it still doesn’t work, but nagging at him doesn’t seem to have any effect as he shuts off.
So aside from ending it, what option would you go for right now and what tips would you suggest? Of course if neither work it would be over but I feel like I need to try one last thing for my baby. Thanks

Sorry for what you’re going through. Is there a chance you can try going for counselling first before you talk about ending things. Sending hugs 💖🤗

Could you try a date night out and get a baby sitter?

so sex is off the cards through lack of energy.

I'd guess this isn't massively unusual with a young baby who isn't sleeping well. Not that that makes it better, but might give you more hope that it might improve maybe.

Is the lack of intimacy the only issue (by "only" I mean are there other issues, I don't mean "only" in a way to dismiss it)?

Can I just say you won't be the 1st or last New mum going through this. I would be very careful giving him ultimatums. You both need to adjust to being parents then try get your old life back. If he was to leave because you pushed him how will this help you? Do you plan to rush out on the dating scene to get your needs fulfilled. Give him time to adjust take the breaks off ur needs and work through this together. Good luck be patient.

If you want the hugs and kisses and sex then make a move on him , some men are careful with not wanting to appear like a pest after the baby is born because they think their partner might not want them to leading to what you feel like now.

Seems like you need to carve out some time for the two of you. The baby will eventually settle but that may take a while, and you appear to be at the end if your tether.
So find yourself a sitter. If you have parents willing maybe even arrange an overnight stay. But a few 'dates' will not change things - you have to make a real effort to rediscover why you fell in love with each other.
I'm certainly not suggesting this falls on you to fix. But saying to him you want more intimacy but also that you are too tired - he may indeed be wary. And do hug him and tell him you love him and be affectionate yourself! Go up to bed with him, give him a cuddle and see what happens. If nothing fine - one day he will respond.
A baby is like a bomb going off in a relationship, six months is nothing. You both have to navigate the new dynamic.

I read once that within the first year of having a baby you shouldn’t make any big decisions regarding your relationship and I think I do agree to a point.
This massive life changing thing has happened and i know for me i had to understand that our relationship had to come second while the baby was so demanding. Once he started sleeping better we let grandparents have him over night and would go for a meal or just order in, watch a film and enjoy a good nights sleep and it does the world of good.

Don't make important life changing decisions during the first year of parenthood! It's hard, you're both adjusting, things usually improve.

I know some people are very against it, so if it’s not for you don’t worry, but at 6 months we sleep trained our son. He didn’t start sleeping through the night immediately, but he did start only waking once or twice rather than every couple hours, and he also started being able to go to sleep himself rather than me feeding him to sleep. This meant that my partner and I had several hours in the evening for each other once baby had gone to bed at around 7, and made a huge difference for us. Date nights too when you can. Whilst of course baby is most important, and family time all together is also, it’s also so refreshing to get a bit of time alone together to focus on each other.

Things change so much with a baby, and even now almost two years later we don’t have nearly as much sex as we did pre-child. But we do make sure we keep it frequent, have date nights, and our evenings together, but those first 6 months were a challenge.

I agree with everyone else's comments. I've had 3 children with my DH, now aged 4, 2 & 13 months. We have far less sex than we used to pre children.

DH once admitted he found the change in my body physically quite hard to accept. We used to go to the gym together 4 x a week pre children. Now we never go as there isn't enough time. He realises now that hurtful comment affected me so badly, but he was just trying to explain that his tiredness, lack of energy and then the physical changes in me all had an impact.

We make time for one another when we can. We have no family help. We go on date nights have arrange for a babysitter, put the kids to bed and make sure they are asleep by 7:30pm at the latest so we can spend time together in the evenings. We are affectionate, hug, cuddle watching TV, kiss each other before and after work but rarely have sex.

The cry it out technique for our 1st baby was the perfect solution when he was 6 months old. I was so against it. I even went to the GP with my husband to seek their advice and they suggested we do it as they did with their two kids. It was so hard to listen too (the crying) but totally worth it in the end.

My DH has become a much better father and husband as time has gone on. It's a huge adjustment for you BOTH. I think we forget just how hard men find it too. Be kind to yourself and accept his flaws. I expected far more from my husband than he was able to give first time round. He really did get better with time. He's also reassured me he does still fancy me! He said it was a shock to see my body change so much. I was a very toned size 6-8 and now I'm untoned, will need a tummy tuck if I decide to have one and a size 10. It's taken me a long time to accept my new body so I can understand it's taken him some adjustment too. However, sex is something I have no doubt will return when we have more energy & time. It's just hard with little ones. It will get easier I promise.

How are things four months on, OP?

Fully agree with the no big decisions in the first year (barring any obvious like if partner cheated or is abusive)

@Tryingtoplodon I’ve found personally the first year after a baby to be the most trying for any couple, honestly it’s way too easy to think the relationship is doomed in the first year. You are personally dealing with body and hormone changes after pregnancy, your partner is dealing with any hormone changes you experience too (not your fault in the slightest, however hormone changes affect your mood, which affects the both of you)
you are both dealing with exhaustion and all sorts of new stresses

if your relationship is normally good and you both love each other then you can come out of the other side. Try any and everything you can, dates if you can get a sitter, including day dates to help with tiredness. Try a meal and a cuddle and watch a movie, the intimacy should return when you can both get some rest. I wish you the best moving forward in your relationship as new parents