Practical advice after emotional abuse/affair

[littleorange]

4 year relationship ended after several months of disappearing/manipulation/splitting up and getting back together. Originally the issue was his desire for “space” (lived in my house, cocklodger I see now!). Accepted split but found out about affair before he left. Threw him out same day and blocked. (He had been moving out for weeks because…cocklodger)

I am feeling so broken by this. I’ve tried to do all the things I can (blocked him, therapy started, talking a bit to friends) but feel humiliated and unloveable. I can’t see how I will ever trust again or find a decent man. My thoughts about him and the situation are almost every minute. Any advice?

It doesn’t sound as if it was long ago that you completely split. It will take time (I’m imagining your groan- that is so trite). Trite but true. Distract yourself as much as you can. Enjoy yourself as much as you can. You won’t have the painful feelings while you’re doing that and eventually they’ll stop.

@littleorange

He sounds utterly pathetic, and a coward, that alone can help you realise, that you are on a pathway to better things right now.

Take it day by day, and yes time. It’s takes time to heal from the trauma of this sort of abuse as your mind will be overloaded with processing things as you now have distance from a truly awful situation.

Once you’re through the worst, you will start to realise what a ‘lucky’ escape you’ve had.

Feeling like a fool is really horrible. Of course it will take a little time for you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Know that you are a kind and trusting person, which is how he managed to take advantage and fool you like he did.

So he's an arsehole, and you're not.

Spend some time learning about healthy relationships and how to set and keep healthy boundaries. And during that time, make sure you treat yourself, enjoy yourself, and hold your head up high!

Thank you all. I kinda know all this but it helps to hear it as it’s so hard to think. Not knowing what is real or a lie. Thankfully no kids or reason to have to maintain contact. I have a million things to say but no intention to break no contact.

I think a lesson for me is definitely about watching how your boundaries can be eroded. He chipped away at my self worth for years. The other person in the affair is married. I won’t get involved (self protection) but I feel sick some poor guy is being treated like me too.