I want to look at his phone, but ask him if i can

[hopkit]

Dp is funny with his phone.

I have the passcode and if i need to use a calculator etc if mines not nearby i can, but i would never just go through it. Especially if he doesnt know.

His view on phones is very black & white, you either trust me or you dont.

The thing is its not that i think hes cheating. I wonder if its something else like only fans or similar. Only because if i ever am on his phone he is jittery and makes an excuse to get it back straight away.

We are not married so sometimes i put it down to maybe he's planning to propose and doesn't want me to find a clue about it?

I just have this niggling feeling and want to be sure.

Has anyone else felt like this? If so, how do i ask, i dont want it to mess things up

Listen to your gut feeling

Why do you think he's cheating?

Reading all the threads on here assuming that they represent 100% of real life relationships, would definitely make one paranoid.

His view on phones is very black & white, you either trust me or you dont.

Well you don't. Now you have to decide what to do about it/

I think people feel differently about phones. I’m of the opinion it’s the most personal item I own, it has my passwords, banking details, personal diary type entries etc. I don’t feel like it has to be an open book.

Has his phone behaviour changed, or has he always been the same?

Sounds like you don't trust him
Why do you think you should have the right to go through his phone?

I would be exactly like him if anyone wanted my phone, and the most exciting thing I do about from normal boring internet use is candy crush

Occasionally we have used each other's phone, maybe twice a year (roughly) I have no interest in his phone or him with mine

I certainly wouldn't want anyone going through my phone. If a partner wanted to do it because they didn't trust me, they might as well pack their stuff and leave. There's no point in a relationship that's only successful because the other person is keeping tabs on you and going through all your private data.

I have absolutely nothing to hide. I wouldn't let DH look through my phone, it's none of his business. I would be angry if he asked (he wouldn't).

@hopkit Your post makes absolutely no sense. "The thing is its not that i think hes cheating. I wonder if its something else like only fans or similar" "We are not married so sometimes i put it down to maybe he's planning to propose" "I just have this niggling feeling and want to be sure."

So what is it? You think he's on onlyfans? Or going to propose?

Your excuse of using his phone for a "calculator" is poor. You're using his phone to try and find something or see if something pops up.

I don’t subscribe to the old ‘if you don’t trust them then the relationship is already over’ idea.

Trust is more complex than that and shady behaviour can be in the mind of the beholder. In a healthy, loving relationship a sit down conversation regarding concerns over phone use can successfully do away with a specific trust issue. This depends on their reaction and your own issues surrounding trust – as I say, it’s complex. But in a healthy relationship, a question of trust should, I think, first be treated as there is no ill will intended, only anxiety, so there is no need for defensiveness or anger.

As a previous poster highlighted, reading the MN boards on any given week are certainly depressing and can set your mind wandering if you aren’t in a good place.

It’s difficult to know, OP, without some wider context about his behaviour in general. A request to see his phone can drive their infidelity further underground and simply get better at hiding it. On the other hand, in an ideal situation you would be able to approach your partner first.

Your relationship is already in big trouble if you feel the need to go through his phone.

Agree with Didimum - there's a lot of nuance here. So many responses on here are black and white! Life and relationships aren't like that. Something is niggling so you need to address it, but how you do that and how he responds will say a lot about your relationship

My husband has a thumb print on his so I couldn't check he did this recently, he deletes history etc daily. Could he be cheating, nope he's just dreaming if he thinks he could be.

You could go mad worrying about this

I know dps passcode, mine isn't a secret (dd knows it in case of emergency) and he knows what it is (a birthday) so could look it up, i have never looked at his phone, nor him mine because we trust each other

I agree. The day I feel the need to pick up his phone is the day we end.

People often feel insecure. Sometimes because of their DP’s behaviour, but also often because of their own issues. Maybe they have attachment problems stemming from childhood trauma, or they’ve been in a previous dv relationship. Yes it’s unhealthy, but often understandable. Do people really believe that if someone is suddenly hit by a wave of insecurity that means they should pack up and end their relationship “because they obviously don’t trust their partner”?

Just be open with him. Tell him that you’re feeling insecure and you’re struggling. He might offer to put your mind at ease by offering you his phone. He might double down and get angry and defensive. That will give you the answers you’re looking for without even needing to look at his phone.

Not necessarily, I wouldn't hand over my phone to deal with someone else's issues. They are their issues to deal with, I would support them in getting help but I wouldn't tolerate the answer being to keep tabs on me because where does that end. I'll happily reassure but not hand my phone over.

I sometimes use DH's phone and he uses mine. For example, I'll use DH's to make a call or look something up when we are out if my battery is running low.

I wouldn't start looking through his phone, I have no interest in reading his messages, although I'm pretty sure he doesn't have anything to hide, he knows I know his passcode and leaves his phone laying around the house so I would have plenty of opportunity.

I have nothing to hide, there certainly isn't anything I wouldn't want DH looking at, but I would still find it is bit weird if he suddenly asked to look through my phone.

I would just ask. Trust isn't nearly as black and white as he - or people on here -would have you believe. I'd say 'I'm feeling really insecure because every time I see you with your phone lately you seem really jittery. Will you show me so I can feel better, you're welcome to take a look at mine as well'.

A good way to hide that you're up to no good on your phone is by saying 'you either trust me or you don't' - implying that if you don't trust them there must be something wrong with you and the relationship is over.

I wouldn't look through dh phone, I have embarrassing notes and affirmations on my phone, perfectly innocent but I'd be mortified if anyone read any of it.