Conflicted about where to settle after wedding

[charlotterosea]

I am 35 and am engaged to a 32 year old man. I am from the UK and he is from a European country. We met while travelling in a country not native to both of us and started a relationship. We are planning to marry this year but I am conflicted about where to settle.

The original plan has always been for him to move to the UK with me after the wedding. I have a disabled sibling that I want to be around to help and I also help my mum with things to do with their care (financial things, disability paperwork etc). DP isn’t that close with his family and they don’t always get on so he is happy to move away.

He speaks English fluently while I am still learning the language of his country and am not confident yet. We also want to start a family soon and I would like to be close to my parents for support. I also don’t want to have children abroad, as I know there can be custody issues if the relationship ends.

However, I am conflicted about the financial implications of moving to the UK. The recent family visa increases will affect us and my DP will have to start all over again with his career and credit history. In his home country he works in a skilled job and has a good financial track record. I am self employed in a mainly remote role (educational) so theoretically I can work from anywhere. DP’s work contract ends just after the wedding so it makes sense to find a new job in the UK then.

Recently I have been worrying that DP is unsure about the plan now it’s getting closer. He has been talking about having to start again with his job and not being able to get a mortgage. I know that if he hadn’t met me, he wouldn’t have chosen to live in the UK. He feels the visa costs are too high especially with the NHS surcharge.

I am concerned he would become resentful or unhappy if he moved here and that’s what I want to avoid. He has mentioned the possibility of moving to Switzerland, where we could earn a lot of money in our careers. He has also never lived abroad. I lived in France in my early 20s and enjoyed it but I had a lot of homesickness and was glad to return home.

I suppose I’m just very anxious about the future. DP’s attitude is just ‘don’t worry, we’ll try to move to the UK’ because he knows that’s what I want. I really feel that he loves me and would move anywhere for me but I don’t want him to financially ruin himself in the process. I could move to Europe but I think I would find it very difficult. I am close to my family and they have supported me a lot in the past when I went through a bad time mentally. We also want to bring any children up here because the schools are better than his country and I know the system well.

It would all have been easier before Brexit as he could have tried living here first and returned to Europe if he didn’t get on with it. But now he has to make huge financial commitments to come here and it makes me nervous. I do like his country. It’s beautiful and the majority of people there are friendly and patient. But I struggle when I’m there for long periods because I work from home and don’t mix with others to learn the language.

Does anyone have any experiences of this? Has anyone moved abroad and enjoyed the lifestyle more than the UK? Or moved a partner to the UK post Brexit and can share your experience? I would also appreciate any general advice. Thanks.

Would waiting to get married help you both decide what you want to do? . You both sound very conflicted 😐

The potential child custody issues would be my priority. You need a place that you can live where you both can be financially secure and happy living there for the rest of your lives, regardless of changing family dynamics. If that country doesn’t exist, I would honestly not get married.

People think love is enough, but marriages do fail. Especially marriages where people have external stress working against them, like immigration issues, financial strain, or cultural issues. Your country plan needs to be not just for how you would live married, but how you would live in that country divorced.

If he can make good money in Switzerland l would consider moving there. Its an expensive country but the facilities are great especially the schools and nurseries. I have friends whose dd moved there and they absolutely love it with a lovely outdoor life and short flights home.
I can't really comment on the UK bt wat about lreland if your dp is European?

I wouldn’t get married yet.

Of your plans, Switzerland sounds the best.

I would find somewhere to settle and get jobs first before getting married.

At the moment we can’t live together for long periods which is really hard. We are limited to the 3 month Brexit rule so getting married would allow us to live together instead of being in this long distance limbo. We are planning the wedding nearer the end of the year to try and sort things out. Around October/ November.

I’ve heard many people say the lifestyle in Switzerland is very good but the cost of living worries me. We are concerned about the cost of things in the UK so Switzerland would be even worse from this perspective. But if DP can find a good job it could work. I’ve heard it’s very difficult to get residency there so it’s very much a casual thought at the moment.

@junebirthdaygirl DP is reluctant to move to Ireland and apparently there is also a housing shortage there but I will keep it as an option.

Sort the living out before getting married.

Don't marry him. Seriously.

For me, being close to my family would trump everything else.

I agree with pp - live together first and draw up a plan before marriage. Moving countries for a partner is a huge commitment.
I’ve done it myself (moved to the UK from Europe 20 yrs ago) and although I’m very happy with my decisions, this was before brexit, and without the pressure off financial commitments.

Switzerland is traditionally unfriendly towards working mothers so that would be a hard no.

You've already said that you don't want to be away from your family so why pretend you'd consider Ireland? It sounds like he has to move to the UK as there's no real compromising on your side? It's understandable that he's feeling apprehensive.

I would never want to live somewhere where I wasn’t completely fluent in the language - I have lived abroad for a foreign boyfriend and it was awful, even though I was taking language lessons I was always in a lonely bubble of not getting jokes and no one getting my jokes. Everyone was super lovely and spoke English to me but the barrier was still extreme.

It sounds to me like you should just get married and he comes to UK and wait a year or two years before trying for kids to make sure he’s happy in the UK. If he can’t handle it then you get divorced before kids. Don’t move somewhere random to be with him if you want to be near your family. Don’t have kids somewhere random in Europe and never be able to leave.

You’re both anxious and nervous but haven’t actually tried your plan A yet, which is UK. So try it! :)

Get married and just enjoy living together. Travel. Maybe do a year or two in another country together.

If you’re both unsure, I don’t think you have to make ‘the decision’ right now. I moved to the UK to marry Dh. I did do the whole visa thing. It’s a pain and expensive but doable. But I very much wanted to. I was sure it was where I was meant to be. I wasn’t worried about not being able to return to my home country when we had dc (had no intention of moving back anyway). But we did do a few years of back and forth visits and lots of traveling to be certain we were making the right move.

Get married and just see where life takes you. I don’t think it needs to be set in stone right away.

Is there any way he can find a job in the UK and come here on a sponsored visa without you getting married? That way he would be here (and hopefully have a foot in the door socially via work colleagues) but wouldn't immediately be fully dependent on you.

I'm British and my fiancé is from a European country, but we met here in the UK. We regularly talk about whether we will move to his home country one day - I'm lucky in that I speak the language to a fairly good level and have actually lived there for a while in the past. But, even with that I've told him that if we do move as a couple its essential that I'm able to work at a company based there and build my own life apart from his friends and family.

I think in your situation it makes sense for him to try out living and working in the UK (and living together as a couple!) before you commit long term to whether this is the right place for you both.

Is there no way you could do your WFH job for a company in his country? You say you don't speak the language perfectly, but in many European countries now English is used as a standard professional language, so depending on your industry you might find something that works.

Break up and find partners in the countries where you want to live. Seriously. Love ends. Marriages fail.
Something I wish someone had told me years ago is that you need to decide what life you want to live and find someone who fits in with that instead of other way round.

Absolutely don't get married without sorting this.

However it seems he's willing to move to the Uk and take the risk with his career- where's the problem?
Be warned if he cripples himself financially then
Divorces you you might have to pay up x