Don't really know who will read this gloomy monologue, but I could do with some perspective. I'm very unhappy. Can't actually remember the last time I laughed, or looked forward to something....yet from the outside I'm guessing I look like I live a great life and I'm sure even my closest friends have no idea how I really am...And whilst I know this will post a negative picture of my DH, he's not a bad guy. Just not a great team player or what I want as a husband and dad.
Married 22 years. Have known for a very long time that we are heading down a slippery slope towards divorce. I have been unfulfilled for years. Definitely worse since DS with all his challenges came along 10 years ago. I guess I've felt very alone with all of that. I have tried everything within my own power to change what I can in case it was a 'me' issue-hobbies/changed job/left work/studied/got new friends/met up with old friends/avoided people/family who may have been bringing me down. Everything except medication for depression-because I don't think I'm depressed. I think I'm in a unsatisfactory relationship.
I have communicated this-I'm very resentful of what I've seen as my DH shirking family life in our 18 years of parenting, using work as an excuse to do what he wanted, when he wanted including things I didn't want him to do. His hobby and work are closely interlinked and I do feel he has always exploited this. I feel very lonely and and feel like he speaks to me and treats me like a child. We don't talk or connect with any depth of feeling. Which of course, is telling in my relationship with my husband both physical and emotional. Recently I've hit a wall having an intimate relationship with someone I'm not sure I even like anymore.
There was an incident this morning where I had dropped £60 in my car and he found it; in telling me the tone and words implied I had been stupid and in future I needed to put my £ in a purse as this was the second time it had happened. When something like this happens, his demeanour changes. His face hardens, his stance becomes aggressive and his tone is cold. I hate it. My son has told name that how his dad stands or moves when he's telling him off makes him feel like he's going to hit him. I don't feel like he's going to hit me, but I understand this and I have discussed this with DH who completely refuses to acknowledge any of it. It's always the other person's problem. As it happens- my mum had stuffed the £ in my pocket-I had no purse with me at the time and I didn't know how much she had put in my pocket. I thanked him and asked if he could possibly have used a nicer tone as it sounded like he was telling me off like a child, rather than being helpful. Cue anger, hostility and defensiveness. In my head I feel that 'normal' couples would not talk to one another like this. His response was 'Well you're not very nice to me'. Getting us nowhere.
We have a big family event coming up involving travel, and weeks of time with both sets of family. It needs a lot of planning and discussion and I am starting to feel like I won't be able to go as DH and I can't even have a civil conversation ATM. I feel like I could honestly run away, disappearing would be easier than having to deal with this trip. Writing this down I appear calm, and it is helping me I think, but honestly I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a big crisis.
Dicussion/bringing it up and asking if we can sort it out gets me nowhere. We go round in circles covering the same ground. Was promised counselling months ago; he said he's sort. (An aside-I'm not convinced we. need counselling. We just need better communication-which I feel I'm better at. So essentially-i've told him the issues as I see Tham, he just needs to put in the work. Why will someone else telling him this make any difference???). No point in worrying about wasted money, though. He's done nothing about it. He's always 'too busy', when it comes to sorting anything out if he'd rather not do it. I'd prefer if he saw it like it is; he dosen't prioritise things the way I do. Me and the kids are just not his priority. He's actually done next to no work over Christmas whilst I worked as much as I could on my course/actual work. Including tidying up after him in a shared space he repeatedly messes up. So-he's had more hours to work on this than I've had and I'm pretty sure I've given it way more headspace.
He is so unreliable -things like he forgets to lock the house before bed. Never feeds the dog. Has forgotten to pick DS up from school. Is late for things with the kids on a regular basis. Doesn't pay Nursery fees. Thinks it's ok to feed kids lunch at 3.30 pm, or start cooking dinner at 7pm and cook something only one child will eat. If he's 'had' to pick someone up from somewhere/take them somewhere we'll all hear about how disrupted his day has been. Even if they have gone somewhere 'extra' like the shops through his own choice!
He travels a lot for work, never really catches up. His life is a crazy, messy whirlwind; physically and mentally. He makes plans, I work around them sort out kids by asking ppl for favours/school drops and his plans then change. Often at the last minute-he could plan to be away and not go. He could be away and not come home. I do see that his work lends itself to this-it's often weather and team dependant. He is messy/refuses to sort/organise/throw out and gets very tetchy when challenged about this-or anything TBH. His 'office' is so stuffed to the gills with things he can't actually move in it, or work in it. It's a fire hazard-I often lie awake at night worrying about all the plugs/leads/books/lamps left on.
Looking back, I have walked on eggshells all our married life, putting up with things I shouldn't have, letting things that annoyed me go and only really challenging him over the past few months. The atmosphere is awful now most of the time due to this. I feel like now I've opened Pandora's box, I can't close it again. I can't keep pretending anymore-I'm just juggling too much. He hates being criticised and is always defensive: will NEVER admit he's wrong/messy or might have an issue with something -(eg his timekeeping is awful but the kids and I all know not to bring it up despite them hating being late for events/school. He just CANNOT deal with being criticised). Yet he is super critical of them being untidy/late-especially our eldest daughter who I really feel he 'picks on'. His tone when speaking to her is just not pleasant.
Every discussion we try to have about making plans/tidying/sorting/ornasising-eg meals/holidays like I imagine other couples do, turns into an argument as he accuses me of being a nag/controlling/critical of him or expecting too much or going into too much detail.
He is a recent high earner. He 'manages' our finances. Which he states are a mess; too messy for me to understand or be able to help with. He doesn't want to worry me apparently. We have no mortgage, I have no idea about things like life insurance despite asking. He pays the bills, I have no idea how much our electricity costs, eg; but when I ask details, he won't properly answer me.If I want to see documents relating to our lives, he claims he can't find them in his office (probably true). I've offered to help with his office. No way. I've organised skips in the past to try to get rid of clutter which know he finds difficult. Didn't happen-he didn't have time while the skip was here. He puts money into my account rather than having a shared bank account for household expenses/kids clothes/hobbies which I feel is more transparent/clearcut. I'd love an organised household budget, a shared activity of meal plans and shopping. Always fantasised about this. An orabbised life where we can actually plan ahead. He just won't ever meet me there.
He's a very generous person on paper, but actually I feel like he's controlling over our finances and we could be on very shaky ground in reality, which scares me. I feel that he then uses the excuse that we have lots of debt (to his family-which I didn't want at the time) to have to work way more than everyone else and dodges any discussion on the topic when I say that I'm trying/working/can contribute-for what it's worth I'm a high NHS banded clinician. Not a rubbish salary by any means. It's all very vague and he won't be pinned down. Something I've just thought of-he is SUPER protective of his phone/passwords. I have NEVER been 'allowed' to handle or use his phone. He guards the Netflix PW with his life-our daughters have brought this up to me as being rather strange. In contrast-my kids all use my phone all the tme, use my PW now as theirs-so we can all access things for each other easily. We use this PW whilst using swimming lockers etc. So it's like a 'safe' number for them.
I do 99.9% everything for our 4 kids; school/exams/hobbbies/friends and they all rely on me emotionally for everything. He says that's normal for mums and kids-not unusual in general and I guess he's right there to an extent, but I wanted to bring our kids up as a team with shared values/hopes/efforts. Never had that, so they all gravitate to me for everything they need help with.
1 child has SN-DH has barely acknowledged this whilst I've had years of assessments/forms/communications with school and beyond. Years of tears/heartbreak trying to cope with the demands. It's pointless trying to talk to him about it. It's like he's made of stone, emotionless. I'm trying to make him understand and see our child as I do. He refuses to change his communication with this child or try to understand the difference in how our son sees the world and why he creates rows when he doesn't mean to. I actually feel like I need to protect our son from his dad; I feel like he's damaging him creating emotional trauma and I feel the urge to remove DS or that I should be around all the time in case there's an issue.
In general, I feel like I'm dragging DH through our life together, trying to make him see things the way they could be and how we could navigate all of this together. I'd describe his input as 'passive'. I get to crisis cyclically, I ask for help/support/tell him what needs done. He does it mechanically and that's it until we come full circle again and we're stuck at the same part of the cycle.
Historically, I have helped care for his parents while they were elderly/sick/dying/provided support and accommodation for his siblings when they visited. He is in touch with them-jokes/family group chats. But when there are actually plans being made/answers to specifics, they contact me. So he has no 'responsibility' for anyone day to day except for himself and work.
In contrast, I have a very large family with it's own current illness/support issues and lots of these family members lean on me a lot. I'm studying & working ATM. I have know where all the kids are and where they need to be and when-he needs reminded of every little thing regarding this even when he dose help. I have to remember it all and remind him. I have no regular downtime (he says he doesn't either-doesn't count watching the news/tv/snoozing on the sofa daily). I don't even have a regular lunch break at work. I have all the school/childcare/all of kids jobs/hobbies/friend issues/studying issues/multiple pets I walk/feed/clean up after. Wider family responsibilities. Things like school open nights when they happen. And the tremendous guilt when I don't manage to walk the dog or drop a ball or two. I'm overwhelmed and barely coping. I feel like I have so much on my plate and it should be our shared plate. I don't think I have the energy to deal with trying to make things better; I've taken time out from studying to write all this and am clock-watching.
I am SO resentful; it's eating me up and I just cannot go on like this. I know it's a classic case of 'First World Problems'. I know my life could be way worse. I know no-one has an answer, but I guess I feel like I need people to say 'yes-we would hate this life too'. I juts feel so guilty thinking that the only way I'll be happy is to live a separate life to my husband because that means disruption for 6 people...some of whom are oblivious to my unhappiness and will never necessarily understand. But I really can't go on. Can anyone relate to this and give me a hand-hold or an idea of where to start unpicking the mess?