Lying DP

[Drudgeryofthissocalledlife]

I met my DP seven years ago. A couple of years into the relationship I discovered he was £20k in debt, which he had been secretive about. I stayed with him and he worked his way out of debt. I made it really clear I am debt averse. We were meant to be working towards our life goals i.e. getting married.

Fastfoward to now and we have child. I've just found out he is 10k in debt again. We have a house together and a child. I've been putting all my energy and money into supporting the family.

He claims he priced a job wrong.

I just feel heartbroken because he is a liar and the trust has gone. I think it's the end and I feel so bad for my daughter. I can't believe a word he says.

Any perspective on this would be appreciated.

So is he gambling?
I'd he priced a job wrong surely he'd have spoken about it or tried to reclaim the 10k?

I'd be asking to see his bank statements and a credit report. If he fails then it's curtains for your relationship

He denies gambling, drugs etc

I've ask for full disclosure of debts and how it's happened

He is downstairs looking sad and lost.

I'm furious. I've told him I wanted a husband and he isn't fit to marry. He isnt full shilling, the interest rate on the 10k is 30% 😡

He needs to show you bank account statements. Facts rather than emotions will help you make sensible decisions for your child and for yourself.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be an awful shock. My ex wouldn’t pay a penny into the “family” pot as he had debt to pay…though refused to sort out sensible repayment as that would have affected HIS credit. I dealt with everything and he sponged off me as I didn’t want to split the family up. But his actions did that, not me!

It is so peaceful living just me and the children, my finances are very healthy and I am grateful every day I had the strength to get rid. I never want to feel that financial panic again, not with dependents, it’s horrible. Sending hugs.

He needs to show you everything.absolutely everything.

He proved a job so wrong he had to get a 10k loan?

So was more than 10k out? Because a job should have profit on it. And he proved it so wrong he lost all the profit and it cost him an extra 10k. And when he looked at the figure before issuing it, didn’t notice that it was really cheap?

of course he is looking sad. Because that’s he is going to get out of it. Agree what a bad partner he is. How he let you down but didn’t mean to. Lots of ‘I am useless not even good at my job’. So that you feel bad and let it go.

I wouldn’t believe a word he said.

I've looked at the accounts. He shouldn't be running a business. He can't do maths. That's his problem.

Basically, I'm now in a situation where I have to be in sole charge of finances or we split and go our seperate ways.

I wanted a partner in life not somebody I have to financially care for.

But we have a beautiful child together and we do love each other. He is just a financial calamity.

Also. I think he has ADHD.

My ExDH was like this. Twice over the course of 16 yrs he ran up tens of thousands of debt. He wasn't a gambler etc, but he bought what he wanted when he wanted and it added up. Credit card after credit card. Some were interest only but the rest were not. We spent hundreds a month servicing debt. The last time he did this I borrowed money to pay off the debt. We split up three weeks later and he left me to pay off the money.

Good luck trying to fix this, but if he doesn't know what he's done wrong, he'll do it again. Take over the money and if he argues then chuck him. It's taken me years to get myself back in my feet.

He said I can have the house to compensate me for his recklessness.

@Drudgeryofthissocalledlife I'd be tempted to take the house tbh.

Op I have adhd.

I also have a very senior professional role. My exh got us in loads of debt. It never stopped. He never became a grown up.

I wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but I had to come up with ways to manage my money properly and do maths. So that my kids weren’t going without because of stupid debt or because I am not great at maths.

I have several bank accounts where money sits for certain things. A saving for Christmas, an account for food shopping and I love to my main account on shopping day. Move my savings first so I don’t impulse shop.

He is a grown up. He has been in massive debt before. He knows he is bad at maths. Didn’t try and find a way to mitigate his lack of knowledge and plowed on anyway.

Having to financially manage a partner is draining. It’s like having to be a parent to an adult who should be an equal all the time. And are you going to double check all his quotes? Check prices of materials and so on.

It drains the love away. And if he might have adhd, it’s his responsibility to find ways to manage it and stop it damaging the family. Like getting paid employment for start, if he can’t run a business properly.

and why didn’t he tell you when it happened? When he realised? Let me guess ‘I was embarrassed I messed up. I can’t help being bad at maths’. His pride was more important that being honest with you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It’s going to be a difficult road for you.

Ok. Get the paperwork sorted.

How does that help with the debt? Remortgage in your name only to pay off his debt?

I think I will sell the house, minus the mortgage and keep the money. I've been servicing his debt, which now appears in the region of £30k since 2021! He clearedthe debt first time round as I made it very clear I wasn't bringing a child into this world whilst in debt. So he has waited until we had a child and got a mortgage before doing it again! I'm livid.

So it wasn’t 10k? It’s 3 times that? How is someone self employed, who is shit at business getting so much debt?

Can you not manage the mortgage alone? Could you buy another house?

I honestly think if you split up, when the house comes to be sold he will change his mind about letting you walk away with all the money.

Stupidity driven by ego, that's what.

It is very rare to read a post where the OP is determined to sell up and take the partner at his word.

You obviously are furious, but are going to do something about it. Do not waver as he will not improve as long as you keep bailing him out. I appreciate he may have ADHD issues, but many people have that and others can be very disorganised, but manage not to get into debt like his. He didn't keep his side of the bargain.

Sorry it has come to this, but am proud of your determination.

He needs to be very honest. I have a friend in similar situation and her dh seems to be in denial! Won't admit to any wrong doing yet they are massively in debt. They are splitting up...
Christians Against Poverty (CAP) are good for help and advice.

Refinance the debt for one thing, you can get a much better rate I'm sure. If you want to stay with him I'm sure there's such a thing as financial counselling. Or have him get an accountant. If you're not happy though you should follow your gut.

I gave ADHD. When I was young I was terrible sorting money etc but I put practices in place to fix this so it is doable. He needs to take responsibility for how he's ended up here again

I doubt he will ever change. I would think seriously about the future.

Don't bank on him keeping his word re the house.
It is likely he doesn't mean it, he just thinks saying it will soften you up and you'll forgive him again.

When he realises you intend to take him up on his offer, don't be surprised if he has a personality transplant

I'm calling the solicitor in the morning to get the ball rolling. He aint right in the head wracking up so much debt on a 30% credit card.

This is enough to put me off relationships for life.