Social Services & Accusations from abusers

[lennonchloe]

Hi,
So I'm looking some advice..
I left a 9 year abusive relationship over a year ago. For the last year my ex has made my life a living hell by harassing me and constantly accusing me of sleeping about or texting new people etc. Last week when in my home collecting the children he assaulted me in front of both my children and I had to report this to police.

Obviously social services have now been involved and his contact with the children has been temporarily stopped until an appropriate adult can be found to supervise his contact with both children.

My fear is that he is now going to start making false accusations against me in regards to drugs (I smoke a small amount of marijuana when my children are not here)

He has already been to my family and told them that I abuse both my children which I absolutely do not do. And I am now afraid he will start to make these same accusations to the social services.

I am terrified of losing my children because of false accusations he may now make up and I was wondering if anyone has been a situation like this before and knows whether or not social services will take such accusations seriously?

Thanks

OP
its all about evidence
he has absolutely none… correct?
and no one will corroborate what he says?

@lennonchloe be honest with SS, demonstrate how you manage things without the children being affected (eg by only smoking weed if the children aren't there)
They will be more confident in your ability to care for the children if you show that you are aware of potential impact and careful about it. If you flat out deny and pretend you're perfect, they'll be more likely to worry about whether you're being truthful and whether you're lying about anything else. Social workers aren't minds readers but they are trained to spot liers and ask questions to see if people will slip up, so better just to be honest and show you're willing to listen to any concerns/advice they have.

how old are your children op? attend school?

If your children are old enough to be interviewed they will vouch for you, as will school, gp, dentist everyone that you come into contact with as a family

Completely stop - it can stay in your system for a month or more, an ex colleague of DD's got discharged from the forces because he had taken drugs on holiday 5 weeks earlier (not sure what but I heard cannabis was particularly long lasting)

Just seen your update! No wonder you are so upset and stressed out. Please be kind to yourself here. You are aware he might make a malicious complaint about you and you are aware he is only doing this to distress you not because he has any legitimate reason or actual concern for your children. IF he contacts SS you tell them everything about his behaviour and abuse, work with them and let them support you. He has assaulted you in front of your children, the police have been involved and SS will see the kind of parent he is. Continue to be a good mum and make sure you’re getting support from your GP if you need it. I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty situation but things will get better for you.

My oldest son is 5 and he is Autistic. He has serious issues with his sleep, and I had to fight for 3 years to get him put on Melatonin to help him go to sleep as some nights it was 4am before he was going to sleep. Throughout nursery school he missed lots of days due to his sleep affecting his behaviour, while I waited on his melatonin, I liased with the nursery school about his sleep and was constantly reassured that it was fine and pretty common with autistic children.

Fast forward to starting P1 this year, apart from the odd missed day due to sickness he was mostly in school all term because he'd finally received his melatonin and got into a great sleep routine. However, during December, because his routine changed and he's non verbal and couldn't express his excitement about Christmas, his sleep routine went out the window, and he wasn't sleeping till the early hours again therefore, missing days at school, I liased with the school and it was agreed to bring him in at a later time as long as I was getting him in, rather than him missing school days. Now that Christmas has been and gone hes calmed back down again and is finally back into a great sleep routine and hasn't missed a day since starting back to school in the new year.

His Dad has said things about his days off and how he's going to report me to the social services for not bringing him to school because id rather smoke weed, which just isnt true.

It's all documented about his trouble with sleep and has been for the past 3 years. And before all of this happened and I reported him to the police. I was waiting for social services intervention in regards to my son anyway, because his Autism is quite severe and his behaviour can be really dangerous to himself and his younger brother because he has absolutely no awareness of danger. He has injured himself twice from falling after trying to climb where he shouldn't be climbing, which has resulted in hospital trips. And he pushed his brother down the stairs non intentionally once which also resulted in a hospital trip.

But again, my child's paediatrician is aware of all of this, and had made a referral to SS months ago and ive been waiting for someone to come out to see how they can help me manage my behaviour.

Everytime I have threatened to go to the police in the past he has held these things against me, twisting it that he will tell SS that when all those accidents happened it was because I was smoking weed which just isn't true.

It's taken me so long to report him for his abuse, last week when he attacked me it was the 10th time. He's managed to manipulate me and find a reason to stop me everytime I've threatened to report it and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I guess I'm just looking for some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing and the social services will see that I'm doing my absolute best to deal with the situation and that weed does not impact my parenting at all.

So the school will 100% support that you are a parent that they have no concerns about nor ever in the past? No beefs with neighbours?
I wouldn’t worry op about false allegation

OP
You said he was making false accusations by saying you took drugs then in the next breath admitted taking drugs .
Your memory seems to vary to suit the audience & you are no stranger to making making accusations about others yourself.

Pumpkinpie 1

Stop being a massive twat. OP said he accused her of using Coke. She said she doesn't but does use weed occasionally.

It's perfectly clear to anyone who doesn't fancy themselves as a Keyboard Warrior.

Honestly, I think you're assuming the worst and I can understand why so please don't think I'm getting at you.
Be honest about the weed. They can't force you to do a drug test without an order, volunteer it. In fact have one there ready, the ones my friend used were the kind you take a sample of saliva for. So when the ex does accuse you, as they so often do, you've already proved him wrong.
I put up with an emotional, financial and physical abuser because I was scared of the social services and him trying to convince me that I was a useless. I was signed off after one visit.
Stop worrying about what he may say or do and concentrate on yourself. Let him expose himself ad what he is. So far, the evidence suggests it is HE who is violent in front of the kids. And it's evidence they use. He's got nothing on you, so keep your head up.

It makes me sick that he has used your childhood as a tool to abuse you with. He is the one who is in trouble with the police for assaulting you in front of the children, you have done nothing wrong and social services are involved because of his abusive behaviour and the risk he presents to you and the DCs. There’s zero evidence to support any malicious accusations he might make.

What accusations have I made? I said I'm worried he's going to make false allegations in regards to cocaine not weed. Grow up. Don't use such a sensitive topic just to get your kicks. Pathetic..

I am a SW and honestly, a bit of weed when the kids aren't home really won't make a SW think you cannot care for your children. Like somebody else said, we can't condone something illegal, but our focus is on safeguarding and not to police the every move of parents.

Our assessments are evidence based, so he can make all the allegations he likes about you neglecting the children but if school and health information raises no worries, and home visits don't raise worries, then they really won't be taken in by him. It's textbook abuser to start throwing accusations when they've been reported for DV, and something the SWs will have seen 100 times before.

Easier said than done I know, but please try not to worry

It sounds to me OP that you are doing all you can and offering care and getting advice when needed which is what a good parent does. Ss will think the same. Please believe in yourself and not let that nasty bully control the narrative.

My abusive arsehole ex did very similar to me. After assaulting in front of my 3 kids (my then 12 year old called the police on him) he was arrested and put on bail until the trial. In the meantime he contacted social services claiming I was an unfit mother, that the house was covered in cat poo, that I had a string of men constantly visiting and just that he was worried sick about the kids not been cared for. All made up bullshit, obviously, but I was horrendously worried. Social services had to investigate, they came to the house, saw the kids were cared for and happy, saw the house was clean and tidy, and had a chat with me about everything that had happened. I honestly think that it was either later that day or the next day that they called to say they could clearly see his accusations were both unfounded and malicious, and they wouldn't be taking anything further. They couldn't have been kinder to me at a very vulnerable and scary time. That prick wasted everybody's time for his own twisted agenda.

Please try not to worry. The social workers aren't stupid and will see your situation for what it is. Stay strong!

OP - as others have said, this is pretty standard for emotionally abusive and perpetrators of coercive control. It's how they control you - by taking a tiny grain of truth and distorting it and using it to threaten you.

I would say that no, you should not proactively disclose to SS that you use weed occasionally. If and when he makes these accusations (and bear in mind that 1. he is doing this now after he physically assaulted you in front of the children and 2. that in th unlikely event anything he said was proven, he would need to take the DC on 24/7 which I will bet is not something he wants to do), and SS approaches you THEN you should be open and honest and tell them under what conditions you have/do use weed, including how often and when last. But you certainly shouldn't be pre-empting this.

As for the rest... let me ask you a few questions:

Who does school runs? I bet it's mostly you? Similarly, who engages with the school regarding any issues with the DC? Yup, you I guess?
Prior to him being told no contact with the children, how many nights were they with you vis with him? I'm going to put money on you being the one who has consistently been there.
Is your home a safe, secure environment for your children? is his (I bet it's not).
Has anyone ever arrested you for physical violence?
Has the school ever raised concerns about your children?
Are you and your DC known to medical and other services in the area as a result of the autism, and have concerns ever been raised?

I think you can see by the way you answer these questions that it's pretty unlikely SS would have any concerns about you as the primary parent....

I had a very similar situation and I echo that ss were kind and saw through it all. They saw him for exactly what he is. You'll be ok. Work with them, it actually took a lot of pressure off me once they were involved and it was a great help.