relationship next steps

[kannaug]

I'm looking for some rounded perspectives on this please.

My partner and I have been together 16 years. He's recently said he's unhappy with life, and needs things to change. However he wasn't very specific about what it is he wants to do.

Since we've had the conversation he's just done his own thing, spending hours at the gym and on the computer playing games. He barely says a word to me and just seems so detached but when he's on the computer playing with his friends he's so engaged and having fun. When I text him I rarely now get a reply or even an emoji response.

It just seems now that he's not even interested in considering spending any time together, or suggesting that we do something together. The result is that I feel he's disinterested in anything I might be feeling or thinking. I'm a very low and lonely. I can't carry on like this but I don't know what to do.

It sounds like he's already checked out but not got the courage to say so.
Most men go down the route of acting like this in the hope the woman will call it a day.
I would go full out on developing an independent way of life for yourself, don't beg, don't get upset, go out with friends, start new hobbies, look to starting afresh on your own. You were absolutely fine before he came into your life, and after a bit of adjustment you'll ok be absolutely fine again.
His behaviour is telling you everything you need to know. Time to draw a line.

I'm sorry you're having to experience this. It's very common because men are shits. When men have gone off their partner they just disengage but don't end relationships unless they have somewhere else to go. I hope I am wrong but if I am right he will get increasingly unpleasant to you no matter how much effort you make and eventually you will be damaged by the rejection and being taken for granted. Better for you to end it now and have a clean break, but unfortunately we generally all stay in relationships until it becomes completely unbearable by which time it's too late to get out unscathed.

16 years is a long time to be with someone and life can get a bit dull when you've been together that long. You need to reignite a spark in your relationship. This might be about the bedroom, but as he's said he's unhappy with life, you should have more conversations about what you both want for your future together. Are you happy with your jobs, house, friends and family? If not, start planning some changes. It should be exciting! If you're struggling to talk, consider having some relationship counselling to get to the bottom of the issues. 16 years is a long time to just give up on so it's worth making the effort to save this relationship.

Ok, there's your rounded advice. Which one of my replies feels least jarring to you? Thats what you should do.

However he wasn't very specific about what it is he wants to do

Can't you ask him?

Thank you all for your responses, just having some perspectives on this has really helped.

Superlambaanana - I think the in terms of your responses the first is potentially right and is my worry. However your second response was less jarring and personally I'd like to see if we can make this work.

We aren't happy with our friends, house and family and I hate my job. We moved to my home town 3 years ago to be with family and then I lost most of my family through bereavement or them getting jobs in another country. Neither of us has any friends here (I was away for 25yrs) and our house is not working for us. We are struggling to talk to each other so I think we'll have to pursue the therapist. It should be exciting as you say but I think we are both just stuck in our ruts. I'm just worried that he just wants to start again but doesn't know how to say it, but then I'm worried about him just staying and it getting worse than it is now.

Sounds like planning and make some changes to your life is necessary. Do it together, but also begin to build an exit strategy for yourself just in case. And take no shit from him!

Thank you Superlambaanana :-)